Things Happen

Hello Beloved Ones,

I've been captivated recently by the impact of small actions. In my profession I talk to people a lot about the injuries that they carry around for a life time. Some of these injuries are big and bad - I mean they wouldn't go by without someone noticing. Like a lady who revealed in therapy recently that her mother tried to kill her when she was nine. Or another therapy client of mine whose mother repeatedly told her that she had "ruined her life." That sorta stuff you wouldn't miss.

But you wouldn't believe how much of our pain as people is subtle and honestly how much more insidious that kinda damage is. For example, I had a client who's mother and father were basically good people but they got it in their minds when she was about 15, that she was a "trouble maker". Now don't get me wrong, it's not like she didn't do anything to deserve the label (i.e., a little partying and lying, you know the teenage drill). However, that label has blinded her parents for the last 9 years. They've ignored her, discounted her desires, shamed her. This, maybe even accurate, label has created a wedge so deep that this girl was raped and the last people on earth she would tell are her parents. Why? Because she assumes (maybe rightly, I don't know) that they would blame her. That some how it would all boil down to her poor decision making.

Or another woman I know who struggles with body image. Family seems generally compassionate and solid. But do you know what the women do during family get togethers? They sit around and gossip about whose gained weight or lost weight. Or "You know John, he's having another affair. Everyone knows. But can you blame him, his wife barely tries to look good. I mean does she even shave..." And this gossip, not even about this woman, has wedged its way so deep in her psyche that she primps and weighs and worries, she just wants to feel valuable in a way that wont change if her beauty fades or she gains 50 lbs.

Its so ugly. And its when I see the damage done to these people that I start to get why sin (any sin at all) is such a big deal. You know. Cause sometimes I wonder, 'yo God? Is that time I lied such a big deal? Why? It saved that person's feelings or it saved me from unnecessary anxiety.' Or 'How on Earth, could God feel such anger at people? I mean do we really deserve "wrath"? That sounds so harsh.'

But what I am realizing more and more is that our sin, all of the ways we betray God and betray each other, always has a negative impact and its a whole lot bigger than we want to imagine it is. The very ugly truth is that we have all said and done something at some point (probably large amounts of somethings) that has damaged someone significantly, we've all bitten the apple.

I think I know when I bit the apple. I am sure I made some mistakes before this moment, but if in heaven we all get to watch our own personal "falls" I am pretty sure this is mine. It seems so small, you know normal preteen stuff but I know it was big. I knew it was big even then. I was 11 or 12. There was the boy named Kent in my class. Cute, smart, funny but not one of the 7th grade in-crowd. Not popular at all. One day, Kent sent me a note that asked me if I would be his girlfriend with the little check boxes (check yes or no). I didn't check either. Instead, because of my own wretched insecurity, I mocked him. I FREAKIN MOCKED HIM. I showed everyone that stupid note and talked about how disgusted I was at his asking.

And you know what's weird, I remember when I got that note and I was holding it in my hand. Before anyone knew and Kent was sitting there, probably so nervous and excited, I felt the choice. I knew what I should do and I chose not to. I fell, I definitely fell.

Kent was devastated of course. I socially murdered him. His older sister hated me for years, I sincerely think she contemplated beating the tar out of me. I remember we got caught in the hall behind the sanctuary together one day and she said "I know what you did." I wanted to crawl under the pew and vomit. She knew what I had done. She saw me.

As for Kent, I am sure if you asked him now he at least remembers it. My sincere prayer is that the damage was temporary, but my knowledge of people tells me that it may not have been. I may be the reason some grown man can't initiate a relationship without feeling like he is going to be disemboweled.

I don't think I ever made eye contact with him again. And we were in class together for almost two more years. I wonder what he made of that. I knew I was wrong, I knew I should apologize, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I am still so sorry about it. I wonder if he could've ever believed me. Or if my apology would have a prayer of healing the damage?

I gotta tell you folks, I think this is what Christianity is all about answering. Is there hope? Because 100% of us have both delivered and received wounds just like this. And with all of us wondering around wounded and wounding, who can save us? Is there any remedy? Is there healing?

And so when I say Jesus is my Savior, or Jesus is the Savior of the World, I am saying that something about His person and His story is the answer, the healing, the remedy. That there is hope for Kent because of Jesus. That there is hope for me and my clients and you. He offers the hope that we can all be healed.

Offended and hating it

Hello Beautiful Friends,

I've been having a bit of a rough patch spiritually speaking. I've generally felt far from God and a bit lost. This (of course) correlates to a falling back into old patterns of being. For example, it's been since August that I've been diligent about Bible study.

The weird thing about it is that I know exactly when it started. It started AT Bible study. I was talking to my group of Bible study women about part of study that I found a bit harsh - it was calling people prostitutes (or playing the harlot) if they were having sex outside of marriage. I was commenting on how we should elaborate on the term prostitute and what exactly was being articulated in the Scriptures - and then one of the ladies said that she would "take that into consideration" but she didn't think we should be "compromising" or "apologizing" about the Scripture.

In process, I felt very disregarded and disrespected. I also felt misunderstood and angry. In short - I was offended.

And that offense, I let the sun go down on it. I've continued and continued to let the sun go down on it. I have not forgiven. I have harbored this little sting of bitterness - nothing glaring mind you, but just a little bitty bit of spite. My, my, my can one drop of un-forgiveness go a long, long way.

I also am pretty sure God has a thing or two to say about letting offenses, particularly from our brothers and sisters, fester. What is it? Something like "if you are making and offering and you realize that there is an offense between you and your brother - drop the offering, go make things right and then come back to make your offering." I also think there is something about God's forgiveness being tied to our forgiveness of others.

Ah, ha - so perhaps I need to do some owning and forgiving.

Father God,
I am so sorry. I am sorry that I am holding a grudge against my sister. My pride can get so out of control sometimes, it wants so badly to be perceived as wise. I choose to humble myself before you now, I let go of this offense. I want to be near to you more than I want to be right. I love you.
Amen.

Songs you should check out

Your Love Brandon Heath

What Love Really Means JJ Heller

If You Want Me To Ginny Owens

Hold Us Together Matt Maher

My Own Little World Mathew West

Stuck in my craw

The post I made Thursday has really been stuck in my craw. I keep thinking about it and feeling very vulnerable. I've read it over and over again, trying to figure out if I meant everything I said, worried that one or more of you might question my salvation or feel insulted.

Clearly, something is not sitting well with me about that post.

I thought I might take it down, end the worry. But I decided this morning - that instead of taking it down, I would do a little exercise in self-examination and vulnerability. So here we go...

So Paula, what exactly is sticking in your craw?

Well I am afraid of being judged poorly by those who I love and respect.

And, why do you think that is?

Well, first off, the honest truth is that I question many things that many of my brothers and sisters in faith don't question, or at least don't question publicly. This makes me afraid that if I question those things - for example, the Sinner's Prayer - that I will be rejected and something of incredible significance to me will be judged - my relationship with God. I want to keep both myself and my relationship with God safe but I also want to be transparent about my faith walk. In this last post I took a risk to be transparent, but I also left myself open to judgment and that is going to leave me feeling vulnerable.

Is that it?

I think that's partly it. I also think that I showed another part of myself in that post that I didn't initially intend to expose. Specifically, if you look carefully you can see the really negative stereotypes I carry around about the Church. And if I am going to say it, I might as well say it, the large bulk of my impressions of the Church have been bad.

I realize that this is not Godly, that God loves the Church. I also realize that the Church isn't some group of people over there, that I am the Church. So this is going to cause me some trouble - because I am now a part of a group with whom I have historically held some significant negative feelings.

What sort of things have troubled you about the Church?

Well, from my perspective the Church has always represented self-righteousness, hypocrisy, legalism, and denial. I think the last post really exposes this impression of the Church (i.e., turning salvation into a series of hoops to jump through, internal back biting about who is right, pride, etc.). However, what is true is that, though I have run into those who confirm my fears, I have also run into a great number of those who do not.

So I think part of the reason that this last post is stuck in my craw, is because I know I presented an incomplete picture of the Church. Because I know the reaction I was having was to my own internal (and very negatively biased view) of what the Church is about. And I think I need to apologize for that. I am sorry sisters. I know that I would not want to be judged based on the worst behavior of my brothers and sisters and I will not judge you.

Lord,

Heal me of my broken spirit with regard to your Church. Help me see her as You see her, beloved and holy. I know that she is not as she will be - but You are not a God who calls us as we are, but a God who calls us as we were meant to be. I love you for that. Help me to extend the same grace to my fellow believers and all of your creation.

Amen.

Salvation

I've been avoiding writing on this topic. Largely because I have a hard time understanding the way that Christianity generally preaches this message, specifically that being saved can be boiled down to a prayer you say that has specific elements (e.g., I am sinner, I am sorry, I believe Jesus is Your son, I believe he died for my sins and that you rose Him from the dead, please take my life, I want to be yours, etc.)

Actually, looking at this list itself - I don't have any issues with the list. They are all beautiful and essential pieces of salvation, of knowing God and our Savior in their fullest. I think what does bother me is an implicit message that we send when we make the prayer into a static list of things you must say. Specifically, it has always made me feel like we are trying to make God into a genie that responds only to a certain set of commands. Like a scene in Backyardigans Episode my daughter just watched where the genie would not grant your request UNLESS you said "I wish" in front of it. This does two really bad things to the message of salvation.

First, it minimizes God. Specifically, this is the God of the universe we are talking about here! He sees through all of our bull straight into our hearts and from what I can tell what the Bible and this prayer are trying to tell us, is that if we will call to Him in our brokenness and except His message, His plan, His way above our own message, our own plan, our own way - He is faithful to meet us and change us and be with us forever.

Second, it places our salvation into our hands. Let me give you some context to illustrate this point. You know all of the stuff in Christendom where we argue about what exactly is necessary to be saved. Some places you must say the sinners prayer, others say the sinners prayer and be baptized, some you have to say the sinners prayer and walk forward in church, some you have to receive the gift of tounges. You know what the problem is with all of this, it places the responsibility for our salvation in the things that we do or do not do. For example, I was in the car with a Christian friend of mine when I told her I never did the come forward thing at church... "uh, uh" I could see in her eyes - "That's the WRONG way to do salvaton." We can also get caught up in the prayer, authenticating one another's faith, "Well did you say this part? If you didn't say this part then your not in?" Or "Did you really understand this part? If you didn't really understand that part then your definitely not saved." Are we serious?? Is this how we really think the God of universe, Jesus Christ our Savior, intended us to approach salvation - in this endless cycle of doubt? Prodding each other with suspicous questions? I gotta tell you, it is one of THE MOST unattractive qualities of the Christian church today and it is not bringing one soul any closer to Christ.

I think this is why we are told to put on the helmet of salvation in the Bible. Not because we are confident in the way we said the sinners prayer or the way our denomination preaches salvation (all people, all broken) but because we are confident in our Savior's faithfulness. We are assured of His righteousness. Because at the moment of salvation we are not right. If salvation is about getting right or doing it right we are all doomed! The only way to describe us at any moment before God is at the center of our lives is wrong, lost, or broken. Salvation is about the end of denying that and resting securely in the knowledge that our Amazing and Faithful God loves us anyway and is faithful to wash us clean. We are meant to KNOW that he is faithful to save, not that we are faithful to have said the sinners prayer the right way.

I get the sense that the sinners prayer was written as a means to simplify and assure worried souls that they were doing it right. And that is so, so noble. Hush child - you've said all you need to say, you are His now. But without understanding it is Christ alone who saves - it can easily become a lie, another trap the enemy uses to keep us believing in ourselves instead of Christ.

Jackie's Wedding Update

Jackie sent me this picture from her wedding a few weeks back. She entitled it "A Picture of Redemption." To give you some context, the is a picture of the moment when hail fell at Jackie's wedding and is described fully in my blog post entitled "Jackie's Wedding (Part II)". You can actually see the hail (it's the sparkly drops) and the joy - check out our faces.

What a great reminder of God's love! We are such lucky ladies.

The Great Romance

I went on a retreat last weekend with Calvary Chapel Spring Valley's women's ministry. We devoted the weekend to the study of the similarities between God's redemptive plan and the Jewish wedding ceremony. Specifically, if you know anything about the Jewish wedding ceremony (which I really didn't), it brings alive much of what Jesus talked about near the end of his life.

For example, the Gospel of the Apostle John, Chapter 14 begins with some words of comfort Jesus gave to his disciples before heading to the garden at Gethsemane. He said

Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God - trust also in me. My Father's house has plenty of room; if it were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.

By any contemporary Jew this would have been recognizable as the speech a bridegroom gave his betrothed after they'd agreed to marry. It signified that the agreement to marry had been sealed and a time of separation had begun. A separation that began when the bridegroom gave that speech and left to make a place for his new wife at his home and ended with their reunification and beginning of their united life together. It was a time of waiting and longing, of anticipation and romance.

This is one of many times in the Bible (either in the Gospels generally, by Jesus himself, or in the Epistles) that the romance of the Jewish wedding ceremony is used to described our place in the Redemptive plan or on world's time line generally. It places us, His church, in the role of the lovestruck, excited virgin bride anxious for the arrival of her new husband and the beginning of our new life together.

This would be fine, of course, if I didn't hate romance. I mean I really hate romance. OK maybe I don't hate romance in the technical sense - some part of me is remembering an advanced English class where my teacher redefined romance and it didn't mean sappy puppy love - but I really do hate that sappy, sickeningly sweet love of teenagers. Seriously, the only thing I appreciate less than the general self-absorbed melodrama of teenagers is the way they experience first love, so deluded and blind.

I honestly can't help but roll my eyes and gag a little bit when I think about Romeo and Juliet, Titanic, the Notebook, Twilight or any other in a long series of ridiculous stories were two young adults are "meant to be", "soulmates" or "complete each other". Yuck, yuck, yuck. Thus, envisioning that a part of my Christian life is to wait on baited breath for Christ's return, wooed by His advances and cooing over how I'll finally be complete when we are together makes me cringe inside.

Ugh! The vulnerability of it all. I remember loving like that, hoping that he would love me in return. Staring anxiously across the gymnasium floor at Michael Casey Jr. (God was he beautiful), hoping, that of all the other 8th grade girls he would think I was the prettiest. Praying desperately that he would ask me to dance. And he did a few times. And my heart melted.

I remember loving like that. The purity of it.

I also remember when Michael Casey Jr broke up with me and dated my best friend. And when, two years later, he told me he "could never see us as anything more than friends" and my heart breaking open with a sickening disappointment that screamed NEVER again. I will NEVER love like that again. I will NEVER buy into that BS again, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER AGAIN.

Why does God have to heal it all? Isn't it enough that I believe in Him? That I would die for Him? Isn't it enough that I would give my very life to Him? No it's not. He wants it all. I can't even keep this safe, He wants to break it open and heal it.

I gotta tell you, I've never been so reluctant to hand something over to Him. Those moments hurt so, so bad. But I must, mustn't I. That Punk.

My beloved bridegroom,

I give myself to you, broken hearted. It is so hard to love you with all of this history. Take it. Wash me, make me clean again. I trust you.

Amen.