Stuck in my craw

The post I made Thursday has really been stuck in my craw. I keep thinking about it and feeling very vulnerable. I've read it over and over again, trying to figure out if I meant everything I said, worried that one or more of you might question my salvation or feel insulted.

Clearly, something is not sitting well with me about that post.

I thought I might take it down, end the worry. But I decided this morning - that instead of taking it down, I would do a little exercise in self-examination and vulnerability. So here we go...

So Paula, what exactly is sticking in your craw?

Well I am afraid of being judged poorly by those who I love and respect.

And, why do you think that is?

Well, first off, the honest truth is that I question many things that many of my brothers and sisters in faith don't question, or at least don't question publicly. This makes me afraid that if I question those things - for example, the Sinner's Prayer - that I will be rejected and something of incredible significance to me will be judged - my relationship with God. I want to keep both myself and my relationship with God safe but I also want to be transparent about my faith walk. In this last post I took a risk to be transparent, but I also left myself open to judgment and that is going to leave me feeling vulnerable.

Is that it?

I think that's partly it. I also think that I showed another part of myself in that post that I didn't initially intend to expose. Specifically, if you look carefully you can see the really negative stereotypes I carry around about the Church. And if I am going to say it, I might as well say it, the large bulk of my impressions of the Church have been bad.

I realize that this is not Godly, that God loves the Church. I also realize that the Church isn't some group of people over there, that I am the Church. So this is going to cause me some trouble - because I am now a part of a group with whom I have historically held some significant negative feelings.

What sort of things have troubled you about the Church?

Well, from my perspective the Church has always represented self-righteousness, hypocrisy, legalism, and denial. I think the last post really exposes this impression of the Church (i.e., turning salvation into a series of hoops to jump through, internal back biting about who is right, pride, etc.). However, what is true is that, though I have run into those who confirm my fears, I have also run into a great number of those who do not.

So I think part of the reason that this last post is stuck in my craw, is because I know I presented an incomplete picture of the Church. Because I know the reaction I was having was to my own internal (and very negatively biased view) of what the Church is about. And I think I need to apologize for that. I am sorry sisters. I know that I would not want to be judged based on the worst behavior of my brothers and sisters and I will not judge you.

Lord,

Heal me of my broken spirit with regard to your Church. Help me see her as You see her, beloved and holy. I know that she is not as she will be - but You are not a God who calls us as we are, but a God who calls us as we were meant to be. I love you for that. Help me to extend the same grace to my fellow believers and all of your creation.

Amen.