Hello Beautiful Friends,
I've been having a bit of a rough patch spiritually speaking. I've generally felt far from God and a bit lost. This (of course) correlates to a falling back into old patterns of being. For example, it's been since August that I've been diligent about Bible study.
The weird thing about it is that I know exactly when it started. It started AT Bible study. I was talking to my group of Bible study women about part of study that I found a bit harsh - it was calling people prostitutes (or playing the harlot) if they were having sex outside of marriage. I was commenting on how we should elaborate on the term prostitute and what exactly was being articulated in the Scriptures - and then one of the ladies said that she would "take that into consideration" but she didn't think we should be "compromising" or "apologizing" about the Scripture.
In process, I felt very disregarded and disrespected. I also felt misunderstood and angry. In short - I was offended.
And that offense, I let the sun go down on it. I've continued and continued to let the sun go down on it. I have not forgiven. I have harbored this little sting of bitterness - nothing glaring mind you, but just a little bitty bit of spite. My, my, my can one drop of un-forgiveness go a long, long way.
I also am pretty sure God has a thing or two to say about letting offenses, particularly from our brothers and sisters, fester. What is it? Something like "if you are making and offering and you realize that there is an offense between you and your brother - drop the offering, go make things right and then come back to make your offering." I also think there is something about God's forgiveness being tied to our forgiveness of others.
Ah, ha - so perhaps I need to do some owning and forgiving.
Father God,
I am so sorry. I am sorry that I am holding a grudge against my sister. My pride can get so out of control sometimes, it wants so badly to be perceived as wise. I choose to humble myself before you now, I let go of this offense. I want to be near to you more than I want to be right. I love you.
Amen.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
Songs you should check out
Your Love Brandon Heath
What Love Really Means JJ Heller
If You Want Me To Ginny Owens
Hold Us Together Matt Maher
My Own Little World Mathew West
What Love Really Means JJ Heller
If You Want Me To Ginny Owens
Hold Us Together Matt Maher
My Own Little World Mathew West
Stuck in my craw
The post I made Thursday has really been stuck in my craw. I keep thinking about it and feeling very vulnerable. I've read it over and over again, trying to figure out if I meant everything I said, worried that one or more of you might question my salvation or feel insulted.
Clearly, something is not sitting well with me about that post.
I thought I might take it down, end the worry. But I decided this morning - that instead of taking it down, I would do a little exercise in self-examination and vulnerability. So here we go...
So Paula, what exactly is sticking in your craw?
Well I am afraid of being judged poorly by those who I love and respect.
And, why do you think that is?
Well, first off, the honest truth is that I question many things that many of my brothers and sisters in faith don't question, or at least don't question publicly. This makes me afraid that if I question those things - for example, the Sinner's Prayer - that I will be rejected and something of incredible significance to me will be judged - my relationship with God. I want to keep both myself and my relationship with God safe but I also want to be transparent about my faith walk. In this last post I took a risk to be transparent, but I also left myself open to judgment and that is going to leave me feeling vulnerable.
Is that it?
I think that's partly it. I also think that I showed another part of myself in that post that I didn't initially intend to expose. Specifically, if you look carefully you can see the really negative stereotypes I carry around about the Church. And if I am going to say it, I might as well say it, the large bulk of my impressions of the Church have been bad.
I realize that this is not Godly, that God loves the Church. I also realize that the Church isn't some group of people over there, that I am the Church. So this is going to cause me some trouble - because I am now a part of a group with whom I have historically held some significant negative feelings.
What sort of things have troubled you about the Church?
Well, from my perspective the Church has always represented self-righteousness, hypocrisy, legalism, and denial. I think the last post really exposes this impression of the Church (i.e., turning salvation into a series of hoops to jump through, internal back biting about who is right, pride, etc.). However, what is true is that, though I have run into those who confirm my fears, I have also run into a great number of those who do not.
So I think part of the reason that this last post is stuck in my craw, is because I know I presented an incomplete picture of the Church. Because I know the reaction I was having was to my own internal (and very negatively biased view) of what the Church is about. And I think I need to apologize for that. I am sorry sisters. I know that I would not want to be judged based on the worst behavior of my brothers and sisters and I will not judge you.
Lord,
Heal me of my broken spirit with regard to your Church. Help me see her as You see her, beloved and holy. I know that she is not as she will be - but You are not a God who calls us as we are, but a God who calls us as we were meant to be. I love you for that. Help me to extend the same grace to my fellow believers and all of your creation.
Amen.
Clearly, something is not sitting well with me about that post.
I thought I might take it down, end the worry. But I decided this morning - that instead of taking it down, I would do a little exercise in self-examination and vulnerability. So here we go...
So Paula, what exactly is sticking in your craw?
Well I am afraid of being judged poorly by those who I love and respect.
And, why do you think that is?
Well, first off, the honest truth is that I question many things that many of my brothers and sisters in faith don't question, or at least don't question publicly. This makes me afraid that if I question those things - for example, the Sinner's Prayer - that I will be rejected and something of incredible significance to me will be judged - my relationship with God. I want to keep both myself and my relationship with God safe but I also want to be transparent about my faith walk. In this last post I took a risk to be transparent, but I also left myself open to judgment and that is going to leave me feeling vulnerable.
Is that it?
I think that's partly it. I also think that I showed another part of myself in that post that I didn't initially intend to expose. Specifically, if you look carefully you can see the really negative stereotypes I carry around about the Church. And if I am going to say it, I might as well say it, the large bulk of my impressions of the Church have been bad.
I realize that this is not Godly, that God loves the Church. I also realize that the Church isn't some group of people over there, that I am the Church. So this is going to cause me some trouble - because I am now a part of a group with whom I have historically held some significant negative feelings.
What sort of things have troubled you about the Church?
Well, from my perspective the Church has always represented self-righteousness, hypocrisy, legalism, and denial. I think the last post really exposes this impression of the Church (i.e., turning salvation into a series of hoops to jump through, internal back biting about who is right, pride, etc.). However, what is true is that, though I have run into those who confirm my fears, I have also run into a great number of those who do not.
So I think part of the reason that this last post is stuck in my craw, is because I know I presented an incomplete picture of the Church. Because I know the reaction I was having was to my own internal (and very negatively biased view) of what the Church is about. And I think I need to apologize for that. I am sorry sisters. I know that I would not want to be judged based on the worst behavior of my brothers and sisters and I will not judge you.
Lord,
Heal me of my broken spirit with regard to your Church. Help me see her as You see her, beloved and holy. I know that she is not as she will be - but You are not a God who calls us as we are, but a God who calls us as we were meant to be. I love you for that. Help me to extend the same grace to my fellow believers and all of your creation.
Amen.
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