The Waiting is the Hardest Part

Hello my beautiful friends! Boy do I miss you. I am making this post from sunny Las Vegas, where I am visiting my folks for a week.

As part of the series at the gathering., we have been asked to consider how God goes about working redemption in our lives. These past few weeks, we have been specifically asked to consider how He works out redemption in our relationships. When I saw I was going to be writing on this topic, I thought “Oh no!” well…actually I thought something not appropriate to post to the blog but that’s beside the point… because, often, my initial reaction to thinking about redemption in my broken relationships is to think that they have not really been worked out.

Let me see… of the three men I have loved romantically in my lifetime I am divorcing one and not on speaking terms with the two others. Of the close girlfriends I have had… I have lost one to anorexia and drug abuse and another to a controlling spouse; neither of which appears to be truly interested in mending our relationships. So basically, what I have to say is that, so far, it often seems to me that God has not redeemed some of the most important and painful broken relationships in my life… In most cases I am still hurting and grieving their losses. I still have my ex’s favorite chili in my cupboard reminding me that I used to be married and now I am betrayed. I still have a great love’s T-shirt sitting in at the bottom of a drawer making my heart ache with longing. I still have a picture of a best friend hanging on the wall of my parents’ house, but she has not crossed its threshold in nearly 15 years. I truly love these people. But for various reasons these relationships are broken… dead…

So I guess I am waiting… Waiting to see God work together these deaths into good… I sure do hope He will. But right now what I often see is an end. A sad, sad end to relationships that felt so deeply important to me.

We don’t spend a lot of time talking about the waiting.  This is despite the fact that almost all of us are doing it! How many of you are mourning a dead relationship? A child that took a path you could not follow? A friend who betrayed you? A lover that rejected you? A person you could never face after you failed? One of my Bible Study teachers put it this way, “We are often somewhere between Friday and Sunday.” Meaning the cross suffered – the pain experienced – but before the resurrection. Redemption unseen.

I wanna stop and say something right now. Because I am about to talk about faith in the waiting… but I want to say before – IT IS OK TO GREIVE! Faith in the waiting does not preclude mourning. It is totally appropriate to cry when you happen upon that picture of your lost loved one. In the waiting there is loss and it is ok to feel it. Paul puts it this way in his letter to the Thessalonians:

My friends, we want you to understand how it will be for those followers who have already died. Then you won’t grieve over them and be like people who don’t have any hope. We believe that Jesus died and was raised to life. We also believe that when God brings Jesus back again, he will bring with him all who had faith in Jesus before they died.

You see Paul was talking to folks who had come up in a culture that believed death was the end. Finished. Done. No hope. Death has the final say. He calls them to grieve in a new way. A way that acknowledges loss, but looks to the horizon… a grief that hopes.

Let’s say that again: A grief that hopes.

 

So… in the midst of these dead relationships… what am I to do? Hope.

 

As one of my relationships was dying Mumford and Son’s song Thistle and Weeds really spoke to me clearly about this issue (my use of music to understand life is really showing isn’t it!). The song ebbs and swells; it feels in sound the way grief and loss emotionally toss us. “Alone in the wind and the rain you left me. It’s getting dark darling, too dark to see. And I’m on my knees and your faith in shreds it seems.” It grows and builds - articulating the pain - and then it peaks as he screams “But I will hold on, I will hold on hope.”

 

Now that is real. That is real, tuned in, waiting. And that is what it really feels like. Like you are screaming into the storm that you will not give up. And it hurts. No that is not right – that word needs another syllable. It HU – URTS.

 

So how do we endure it? Well Ladies… I honestly don’t feel like I have a full answer to this. But I will tell you some of the things that have helped me so far.

 

First, I remember who God is. I mean a huge temptation in the middle of my pain is to believe God has abandoned me, doesn’t care, doesn’t exist or is punishing me. But when I deliberately remember who God is, it is hard to retain this stance. I think about Ruth and Naomi’s story (listen to a great song about it here), Job’s story, David’s story – I think about the years they spent waiting and wondering. I think about their about their unanswered questions. But I see the beauty of God’s story weaved through their lives and I remember that I am one of them.

 

Second, I remember that though I may not have seen redemption in these specific relationships I have seen redemption. I have seen it in my person. I am changed by knowing and loving Jesus in ways that are undeniable. I know how to give and receive love like I never would have. I have seen it in the stories and hearts of others – the living testimonies of Christ’s goodness all around me. Ask David and Christina Smith about their story if you are confused about redemption. Ask David Hasenmyer about Elizabeth if you are wondering if God has a plan. Within our little community are stories of God’s goodness and His redemptive purposes – let them give you hope.

 

Finally, I remember to be grateful. I was listening to one of my favorite psychological researchers Brene Brown talk about vulnerability last night (if you are interested check it out here). In it she talks about how to take steps to be fully alive and one is to “practice gratitude.” In it she says, “I’ve interviewed a lot of people who have been through many horrific things, from genocide to trauma. And when you ask them what they need, they will tell you ‘I don’t need your pity. I don’t need your sympathy. I need… when you look at your children I need to know you’re grateful. I need to know that you know what you have.’ ”You see, I know that I need that right now. When I look at happy couples or folks who have a spouse who loves them, I need to know that they get it. That they are grateful for what they have. But I have too. I have friendship. I have clothes. I have loving and alive parents. I have a great job. I have the privilege of intimacy. I have the love of the one true God and a relationship with Him that I have neither earned nor deserved. And I need to remember that because it helps me endure the waiting.

 

Dearest Abba,

 

I love You. You are the author of redemption. I know, I know, I KNOW You have a plan for this life, for my life. I believe You. Here it is. Work redemption out in Your time and Your way. Help me to endure the waiting. Help me grow in the waiting.

 

I love you too. Amen.

 

So Ladies here’s your assignment:

 

(1)   Own it. Think about the ways you are waiting in your relationships. Honestly acknowledge to yourself and to God what relationships seem unfinished to you. Make an appraisal of where your heart is about these relationships.

 

(2)   Wrestle it. Knowing that God allows waiting (which is painful) to happen at all can insight anger (ok flat out rage sometimes) in our flesh. Are you mad at God? Knowing that God allows waiting can make us feel abandoned (ok flat out hopeless sometimes) in our flesh? Is your heart hopeless? Bring your anger, bring your hopelessness, bring any grief in its fullness to Him. He can totally handle it.

 

(3)   Live it. Here is the challenge… GO GET YOU A REDEMPTION STORY. Get one from someone you love in your life. Listen to how God worked out their redemption. It’s as close as your Bible. Remember Naomi and her bitterness. Read Ruth like you are reading the life of a good friend. Think about the losses suffered and the waiting endured. He is there loves. He is there. Find Him.

 

Something New

He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write it down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” – Revelation 21: 5

Today I am sighing in my spirit – saying “Oh Lord, please let it be! I am so thirsty for something new.” This is ironic because right now my life is full of everything new. New home (we just moved – which explains the late post… sorry). New relationship status (from married to nearly divorced). New season (welcome summer, with it’s new daylight hours, temperatures and clothing). But somehow these new things are not what I am aching for… sometimes I am confused and think they are what I am aching for… a change of scenery or new outfit or a new bit of attention… but not really. They never satisfy for very long at all. And the wave comes up again – “Something new Lord. Something NEW!”

Sometimes in my life, often unexpectedly, I have happened upon the right kind of new. For example, when I was at one of the lowest points in my life I met a new kind of friend – my Jackie. Prior to knowing Jackie I was a very emotionally distant woman. My expectation in friendships was that folks were there to enjoy time or space with you but they would not stand the test of time, or be there when it really counted. Those things were just too hard for most. So I believed that in this life you are really in it on your own.

But Jackie was a new kind of friend… she challenged every idea I had about friendship; about how people lived life side by side. At first this was not very pleasant. Jackie can attest, we fought ALL OF THE TIME. One of our biggest rows involved Jackie and I driving together and Jackie actively challenging my idea that we live life alone. She said something like, “Well Paula, that is just bull; we don’t start this life, live this life or do anything on our own.” Oooo I was so mad! I was snappy and condescending. I think I even slammed the door when I got out of the car. I probably had an inner fight with Jackie carrying on this dialogue for weeks after that moment.

And you know Jackie was right… she often is (but no one tell her that!)… but she did NOT convince me in that car. Nor did she win any of the intellectual debates I had with her in my head (I am a very good debater – especially when I have complete control over what the other person says). She changed me by BEING a new kind of friend. By never leaving. By being there when things got hard. By not dodging difficult conversations. By not allowing me to be illusioned about how I was living alone because her beautiful self was ALWAYS THERE!

Now THAT is the kinda new I am talking about. THAT is the kinda new that can change your life. We long for that kinda new. I NEED THAT KIND OF NEW.

And you know what it is? That kind of new is the Kingdom. Jackie was and is what a friend in the Kingdom of God is all about.

“A friend loves at all times…” Proverbs 17:17a

See the “new” I am thirsty for is God’s new Kingdom. God’s economy. God’s friendship. God’s community. God’s grace. God’s righteousness. God’s plan. God’s way. It is the longing for His Kingdom to reign first in my life and then in the world. It is THAT new. Not just any new. His new.

I have some songs that I love that speak directly to this issue. Will you listen to them with me? I mean really listen… slow down… reflect… let them speak to your soul.

The first is C.S. Lewis Song by Brooke Fraser. In it she writes about the unsettled longing of waiting for the Kingdom; of the resistance, the groaning and the aching. In it she loosely quotes C.S. Lewis singing “If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy, I can only conclude that I was not made for here.” Our longing for the new is written into our very souls. It cannot be satisfied with the dead decaying world around us. It also speaks to our fear of the new. Fraser writes “But my comfort would prefer for me to be numb and avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become.” Wow ... sit with that for a second. Ever been afraid of the Kingdom? Ever known the new was going to demand a new you? Ever resisted? Boy have I. But “hope is coming for me!” – An aside, can I just say I so want that lyric printed on a t-shirt (i.e., “Hope is coming for you.”)?

The second is Beautiful Things by Gungor. You probably know this one from our services. This song is about despair, hopeless and redemption. About our looking around at the death and decay of our world and not seeing the new (boy have I been there more than once). “All this pain, I wonder if I’ll ever find my way; I wonder if my life could really change at all.”  Yet there is repeated reminder of who our God is and what His work is: “You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out the dust. You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of us.”

The third and final is a song called Your Misfortune by Mike Doughty.  This song is about ultimately finding the Kingdom in our relationship with God. The song is written from God’s perspective – begging us to seek Him when we are rejected, lonely and afraid. “When everybody says ‘No, no, no. Well it’s your misfortune and none of my own.” They’re wrong, wrong, wrong. Well it’s your misfortune that sweetens my song. I can be the friend you want. I can be your confidant. I can be the right reminder at the right time; throwing out the life line. Stand in the light.”

Dearest Abba,

I am feeling it today Lord, the deep ache for your Kingdom. I know my sisters are feeling it too. Pour out more of You. More of Your new Kingdom. Rain the newness that satisfies. I thank you for the ways your Kingdom has already infected my life. My friendships. My community. My church. But I only want more of You. Your Kingdom come. Your will be done.

I love you too. Amen.

So Ladies here’s your assignment:

(1)   Own it. Do you long for something new? What new things are you hoping for?

(2)   Wrestle it. Several things can get in our way when we are trying to find God’s new in our life. It can be fear of change or discomfort (as Brooke Fraser suggests). It can be unresolved grief or hopelessness (as Gungor talks about). It can be rejection or loneliness (as Mike Doughty discusses). What resonates the most deeply for you?

(3)   Live it. We need to find a way to expect and see the new things God is doing all around us all the time. I think the best way to do that is for us to devote some time to looking for the Kingdom actively and sharing with each other our encounters. SOOOO here is my challenge: (1) post at least 1 story where you have encountered “something new” from your past  and (2) make a public commitment to look for “something new” for the next two weeks and share what you find.

p.s. Have I mentioned that I am so, so privileged to serve you???

Go

So my journey with God has been a long and rocky one, but it really picked up traction about 7 years ago. It was then that I read Rick Warren’s The Purpose Driven Life and decided I was going to give this “living for God” thing all that I had to give it.

I remember that when I read the book, he breaks down our life’s purpose into 5 sections: (1) Planned for God’s Pleasure, (2) Formed for God’s Family, (3) Created to Become Like Christ, (4) Shaped for Serving God and (5) Made for a Mission. The “Made for a Mission” part tackles what I would call our commissioning. Or Jesus simple message to “Go.”

Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age. – Matthew 28:16-20.

I remember when I read Warren’s book he offered me a perspective I had not had before. Specifically, that “going” didn’t always (or even mostly) mean standing on a street corner in downtown Vegas or Bangladesh and screaming about how angry God was at all of the sinners and how if they didn’t get in line they were going to burn in hell. Instead, he talked about being passionate about those who don’t know Christ, that our commissioning is a privilege, and that our participation is essential.

So if this is true… what is our problem? Or more specifically, what is my problem? After a little reflection I think I have discovered two main issues for me: (1) I haven’t always that thought that it was all that important for people know Christ (uh-oh), and (2) I haven’t always seen my commissioning as a privilege.

Ok… so let’s get real. My biggest initial issue with missions work was that I did not really believe that it was all that important for people to know Christ. I know, I know – Shock! Gasp! Horror! But I really thought as long as people were generally “good people” living with basic morals in place that they were “ok” and that God would take care of the rest. On the one hand, I think my position represented something good and healthy; specifically, my trust in God’s character. You know I just don’t buy into the idea that God is going to toss people into hell right and left over arbitrary nonsense.

On the other hand, what this belief structure fails to account for is REALITY. Specifically, the reality that everyone I know now or have ever known is suffering. Some of this suffering is obvious – they have been/are being abused or don’t have food or are grieving. Some of this suffering is less obvious – locked in their own head are unanswered questions spinning around, or merciless anxieties that keep them looking perfect on the outside, or loneliness that is so familiar it is an accepted fact of life. And the truth is the only adequate answer for any of this suffering is Jesus. Brooke Fraser puts it this way in her song Hosea’s Wife:

“I see the scars of searches everywhere I go, from hearts to wars, to literature, to radio. There’s a question, like a shame no one will show, ‘What do I live for?’ ”

God has totally opened my eyes and heart to this reality. I hear the question in song lyrics, TV shows, casual conversation – the unsettled hearts of people everywhere. And the only honest or helpful answer I have to offer any of these folks is Jesus. It’s who He was, what He said, how He lived, what He represents. He is the answer. Just being “good people” hasn’t stopped enough suffering or adequately answered one existential question for anyone. No grieving mother, wife or daughter cares about what a “good person” she is… she needs hope. No person who is depressed over the meaninglessness of life cares about what a “good person” he is … he needs something to believe in.

With that settled, I think the next obstacle for me was viewing commissioning as a privilege. This issue has predominantly taken two forms: (1) going is an obligation and/or (2) I am not worthy/ready/capable to go.

If there is anything I have learned in the last few years from God it is that the word ‘obligation’ is married to the word ‘entitlement’ and neither of them are good words. They are cousins to words like ‘should,’ ‘earn,’ and ‘deserve.’ And it is my present opinion that these are all dangerous words. They imply that God works on a ledger system tallying up good works in one column and bad in another and that our lives are either in the black (i.e., more good than bad) or in the red (i.e., more bad than good). It gives us access to feeling better than others (i.e., she should’ve done this, I would’ve never done that) and feeling worse (i.e., I should’ve done this, They would’ve never done that.) So when we think God plays that game, we can get very ugly, very (VERY) quickly. When we think that God has obliged us to ‘go’ we feel good about ourselves when we go or bad when we don’t. We get angry at God for making ‘unreasonable demands’ when going doesn’t fit into our lives in a comfortable way. We feel inadequate or believe God is ‘mad at me’ when we haven’t put in our fair time. When we are ‘going’ we start to feel entitled. God should be giving me this or that, because I’ve done this or that for Him.

Oh, ladies, this is so, so, so wrong. So, so, so ugly.  Going IS NOT an obligation. God is not going to love you any more or any less based on whether or not you go. God is not tallying up anything when it comes to you. His calling you to go is an honor. A PRIVILEGE. The Creator of the Universe calling you to be a part of His story for the world. Imagine the President of the US called you up and asked for you to help out distributing food to the poor as part of his personal team. Would you be thinking ‘I can’t believe he wants that from me’? Or what if your favorite author called you up and said ‘Hey, I would love to have you be a part of my writing and editing team.’ Would it cross your mind that you’d better say yes or (s)he would be mad at you? No way, Jose! You’d be so floored by the privilege of being asked you would say “Yes! Yes! Yes!” … that is unless the second issue comes up.

Specifically, when we move through the obligation bit, we often get stuck in the “oh no… I am so not ______ enough to go” issue. Folks get crushed under the responsibility and fear of potentially disappointing God or failing. I see this so much. Folks talking about how they don’t know enough, aren’t strong enough, are too broken – you name it. But here’s the thing. If we were talking about the President or an author they could be wrong about what you can or cannot offer. You could disappoint them. However, we are not talking about the President or an author or any other limited human, we are talking about the Creator of the Universe, the Alpha and Omega. He knows you. He knows you better than you know yourself. And that means He knows EXACTLY what you are capable of. When He calls you to go – He is telling you about you (me about me!). He is telling us, who we are in Christ! He is demonstrating that He believes in us. For a moment, He is the Christopher Robin to our Pooh saying:

“Promise me you’ll always remember… You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.”

He honors us.

Oooo…. One last thing…

I just want to share my absolute favorite hymn. They used to play it all the time when I was growing up in Catholic church and I have sang it to God with my heart and my mouth so many times over the course of my life. Even when I was far from Him this song was ever on my lips. May it inspire you: Here I am Lord.

Dearest Abba,

Here I am Lord. Is it I, Lord? I have heard you calling in the night. I will go, Lord, where you lead me. I will hold your people in my heart.

I love you too. Amen.

So Ladies here’s your assignment:

(1)   Own it. Make an authentic appraisal of how you struggle to ‘go’.

(2)   Wrestle it. I have stated my opinion that ‘going’ is not an obligation. That I think words like ‘obligation,’ ‘should’, ‘deserve,’ and ‘duty’ are part of system God is not about. Instead he calls us to see going as a privilege. What do you think?

(3)   Live it. Let’s each take the risk to be honest about where we are at with going. If you are called to go somewhere – say it! Then let’s support our sister. If you are confused – say it! Then let’s pray for and encourage each other.

Is Jesus the Only Way?

This week we are thinking and talking about whether or not Jesus is the only way, or put another way: is there anyone better to follow?

The short answer to this question is “No.”

No, there is no one better to follow. No, there is no other way. Period. Done.

Now that crisp “No.” answer (especially followed by a period) caused me all sorts of problems in my walk. Ooo, ooo, ooo – did I want to buck that system! If you said something like that to me 10 years ago, an eruption of defensive reasoning would pour out. Along with the question “Why?” more times than you would care to count.

At that point in my life, I saw Jesus as a member of an elite group of pretty cool folks; all of whom basically said the same stuff about love, compassion, mercy and peace. I did not understand why I needed to mark Him out as somehow different.

I have also had the benefit of an up close look at many other faith systems. And let me tell you something, there are some beautiful, wise, right things going on in every other faith system I have ever encountered. For example, I have found in Buddhism a voice so clear and strong for compassion and peace that I deeply resonate with the value. A favorite Buddhist author of mine, Ticht Nacht Han, speaks with clarity about the link between peace and compassion:

“We often think of peace as the absence of war… But if we look deeply into the weapons, we see our own minds- our own prejudices, fears and ignorance….To work for peace is to uproot war from ourselves and from the hearts of men and women. ”

Isn’t that beautiful? Isn’t that true?

Or another example is the beautiful, wise Sufi poet, Rumi. Here he writes with such clarity about our longing for God:

“There is a candle in your heart, ready to be kindled.
There is a void in your soul, ready to be filled.
You feel it, don't you?”

You see… there are reasons that people wonder about the singularity of Jesus; or more specifically, of Christianity. They wonder because they see such beauty, such wisdom coming from these men of other faiths. Why? Why can I not follow the Buddha or Han or Rumi and find God? Aren’t they pointing to Him?

And here is what I think… you can find God in these men in the same way that you can find God in a mountain, in shared tears, in the expanse of the cosmos, in a sleeping infant or in the ocean. Because God created them, breathed into them wisdom and beauty, you can see Him in the glimmers of that beauty. But just as a mountain or shared tears or a sleeping infant cannot represent God fully, neither can they.  But just as a mountain or shared tears or a sleeping infant cannot undo the problem of sin, neither can they. And because they cannot do either of these things, following them will always lead you to a dead end. Knowing some things, but being wrong about others.

But Jesus… well Jesus can do both of those things. And Jesus… well Jesus gives us the whole package.

I know this with my head… You see, I know what sets Jesus apart from any other human prophet, teacher or moral leader. It is not that He contains beauty or said wise things or even that he died for the faith, it is His claims of being the son of God and the signs that backed Him up. C.S. Lewis has my favorite quote on this issue:

“I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: I’m ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don’t accept his claim to be God. That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic — on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg — or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse. You can shut him up for a fool, you can spit at him and kill him as a demon or you can fall at his feet and call him Lord and God, but let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about his being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.”

I also know this with my heart… You see, I know Jesus is different because He has been different to me. He has walked with me down a path that began with fascination (i.e.,"Wow! You know this guy had some pretty cool things to say. But man was he weird! What's the deal with spitting in mud to heal some one's eyes?"), evolved into a deep respect (i.e., "OK. This guy had some things very, very right about this world. He seemed to have his finger on the heartbeat of our brokenness and to be suggesting things that might actually heal it."), developed into awe (i.e., "There is no way this guy was just a great teacher. He never made a mistake. He never said one thing I can criticize or see through. He never once acted like a hypocrite. He was love 100% of the time. He is the Messiah, the Son of God.") and finally to sheer joy! This was the phase (for those of you closest to me) when I started saying things like - "Jesus is a radical !" And what I meant to express was my full joy and connection with his person. I would often think to myself "His teachings are full of challenge. There is no BS in Him. There is no placating in Him. He is ALL challenge and ALL LOVE. I've never seen anything like Him. I am blown away by Him."

And now, well now, we are onto new territory. Specifically, the growing love I have for Him is starting to loosen from stories about what He said or how He helped other people or even His vision and love for the World and is starting to become about something much, much more personal.

There is a line in a song entitled “The Face of Love” by Sanctus Real (listen to it here): "I may not know the shape of Your face but I can feel Your heart changing mine." And when I heard that lyric the other day on the radio, I just felt every hair on my body stand up and tears spring to my eyes: “Jesus is here, He loves me and His love is changing my heart”.

You see, for me the Buddha, Rumi, Han, Father Joe (my favorite Catholic priest), C.S. Lewis, even Joshua Brandt cannot change my heart. They may glimmer and glow. They may challenge and teach. They may even draw me in toward the Lord. But it is only through Jesus, (who He was, the life He lived, the death He endured, the resurrection He promised, the Spirit He sent) that my heart is actually healed. That makes Him the one and only; my one and only.

 Dearest Creator God,

Thank You for Your Son. Thank You for the fact that we do not have only the beauty and wisdom available in creation, but that You instead showed us Yourself. Continue to humble and grow us in the knowledge of Jesus. May we be ever deepening in our love toward Him and one another.

I love you too. Amen.

So Ladies here’s your assignment:

1. Own it. What has been your experience of getting to know Jesus? What attributes of Jesus are you most drawn to? 

2. Wrestle it. Where are you at about Jesus singularity? Do you believe that Jesus is the only way to God?

3. Live it. How does acknowledging Jesus as singular and unique influence your daily life? For me it has meant prioritizing His words, His ways and His love above all things. This has often been difficult, but it is REALLY practical. Let’s talk about how to practically put Jesus first.