I'm having a Dixie Chicks day. I am not generally a country music fan, but I love the Dixie Chicks. I love them altogether, but I really love Natalie Maines voice. There is something about the way her voice sounds, it makes my soul soar. It might be the most beautiful voice I've ever heard.

Anyway, it got me thinking about all of the secular artists that I really love and am grateful for. I post a lot of Christian music, but I still have a huge heart for beautiful artistry and honest lyrics, and some of the best are found in the secular world. So here are my favorites...

#86 Ben Folds - maybe my favorite musician of all time. The whole package - incredible musical talent, matched with incredible lyrical ability. Here's links to some of my favorite songs: Magic, The Luckiest (David and my song), Mess, Annie Waits, Trusted

#87 Weezer - my favorite album is Pinkerton. Which is not going to win any family friendly awards, but is raw and honest. It was also the soundtrack to my trip to Brazil and my closest high school friendship (love you, Steffie Lou).

#88 REM - my favorite album is Up. Not their most popular album, but gripping in its gravity and somber timbre.Probably my favorite song from the album is At My Most Beautiful

#89 Sarah Mclachlan - everything. Well not everything - but that ethereal voice can make nearly everything sound beautiful. She also reminds me of my Jackie; especially, when she sings the Beatles Blackbird.

#90 Tori Amos - my favorite album is Little Earthquakes. And my favorite song is Precious Things. This song is incredibly raw and angry - and doesn't spell the most rosy picture of Christians either. But it is so, so honest and beautiful. It speaks directly to some of my deepest hurts in adolescence.

#91 Counting Crows - especially the album August and Everything After. Best song is Anna Begins.And it be wrong not to mention Rain King and Mr. Jones (which are single handedly responsible for delivering me from many a bad mood).

#92 James Taylor - again, everything. He's my male equivalent to Natalie Maines - His voice makes me melt. My favorite - Carolina in My Mind.

#93 Marc Broussard - This man is AMAZING! Here are a couple of my favorites: Home, Hope for Me Yet, Let the Music Get Down in Your Soul

#94 Mike Doughty - His Truth is Marching On, 27 Jennifers, Unsingable Name

WOW! I've been writing for an hour and I still haven't gotten to the Beatles, Tom Petty, Heart ..

Wow Lord. Do have an incredible list of things to be grateful for. Thank you for all of these talented people; many of whom are willing to be open, vulnerable and honest without the guarantee of your (our our) acceptance. It has been such an incredible encouragement and blessing to me. I love you.

Amen.

Happy Easter

Sigh - it's been a long weekend. A very long weekend.

But before I went to bed tonight - I just wanted to say Happy Easter.

For those of you who celebrate with me - He is Risen! The victory is ours. Good triumphs, Love wins. What a day to remember!

For those of you who don't - I love you. I hope you can be encouraged that today represents the pinnacle of the Christian faith - that we believe that God came down, suffered for our benefit and then defeated death. This is the "gospel", the "good news". If you hear anything different - that's not the gospel.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

Goodnight. I love you.

Vulnerability

Hey Family,

I am writing here - when I should actually be working - but I just had this thought that I must share.

This weekend at church, as with most services over the past few months, I was standing next to one of my very close friends Caitlin. For those of you who don't know Cait, she is this beautiful, petite, sweet force of nature. Let's just say she is certainly capable of juggling far more balls than I am on her worst day, all while managing to look impeccably well put together and carrying a tray of homemade brownies. (Ok - perhaps the brownies are an exaggeration but you catch my drift). She also happens to be married to an Air force man, Lane,  whose been deployed for the last few weeks.

So anyway, I am standing next to her in church and it was an incredibly moving service. And whenever it's a moving service I: (1) put my head on David's shoulder and (2) avoid eye contact with everyone I know.

Why? you might ask - well that is what I got on here to write about. The answer to that "Why?" lies in vulnerability. During those church services that really cut to the heart of the matter, or move me in some way, I feel vulnerable! Exposed! Yikes - someone might notice that I have tears standing in my eyes and ask me about it! Or worse yet, try to comfort me.Yuck, I want to be (or at least look) "strong like bull" - not blubbery and broken and VULNERABLE.

So back to church and Cait. So recently at services, I've had this stray thought that it must really suck for Cait to have to sit next to David and I (all hand holdy and such) during the moving parts. How it must remind her that Lane is gone. And during this Sunday's service, this thought occurred to me along with the simultaneous thought that I should reach out and put my arm around her or hold her hand. This immediately resulted in internal warfare.

"No way! She'll be creeped out."

"Seriously Paula, do you think I would ask you to do something to freak her out?"

"No."

"No? No? Seriously Paula. You want to say no to this."

"No, I want to say yes.... but I can't. I just can't."

It went on this way for a good 3 minutes at least, before I broke down and did it. And it was fine. Nice, tender.

And for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what the heck I had been dragging my heals so mercilessly about.

Until today.

I was on the Living Proof blog watching a recap of a recent weekend gathering. Jackie and I are planning on possibly going to a similar event in Ohio this August. Well I realized, as I was watching the video that at the end of these series, Beth Moore always makes folks turn and look someone in the eye and say all sorts of affirming things to them. And worse yet - they say it back to you! She calls it "the commissioning." And I thought to myself, Jiminy Crickets!Me and Jackie, standing across from one another, looking into each others eyes, saying nice things directly - no card mediator, no sarcasm to protect. AH! VULNERABILITY!

I actually started thinking about not going. To keep from being vulnerable with my very best friend.

What is the deal? Why are we (or maybe it's just me) so freakin terrified of vulnerability? And why this kind of vulnerability? Do you get wigged out when you have to be directly loving??

I'm gonna chew on that for awhile.

#81 Naked Juice's Acai Machine

I found Naked Juice about a year ago at Costco. I wanted to drink something in the morning, in addition to coffee, that had some actual nutritional value. They had a three pack of juices Green Machine, Mango Madness and Berry Blast. Well the Green Machine became my juice of choice, because it was delicious and had a full serving of vegetables. Well, turns out that Naked puts out lots of other Machines - Blue Machine, Red Machine, Power-C Machine, Gold Machine and today I found Acai Machine! OMG - it is DELICIOUS. And so good for me, I don't think I need to eat any other form of nutritious food for the rest of week! Thank you Lord for the fact there is still (and always will be) something new and tasty to try.

#82 My husband's heart

He's really amazing - and He teaches me about forgiveness and humility and not being a hypocrite.

#83 Jesus Following Jesus Images

I occasionally read this other blog entitled "just following Jesus in my real life". I love the blog itself, but my absolute favorite part are the pictures - I can barely stop myself from snatching them all up and printing them to hang in my house. But alas, that is both illegal and immoral. Awe snap! But here are a few of my recent favorites.

#84 "Yes Mommy, I will."


Ah... the sweet sound of obedience.

#85 The smell of Pine Sol.

I love the smell of clean anything - but my absolute favorite is the tingly, aspeny smell of Pine Sol.

Overflowing

I've been having one of those moments when I am just so head over heals in love with Jesus that I honestly can't comprehend why everyone on Earth isn't Christian.

I sort of feel like the only apparent audience to a fireworks show. Like there are these beautiful spectacular lights, flashing and roaring in the night but there are these seas of people who are missing the show. Like I look around at folks and think, don't you see this? Don't you see Him? Don't you get what it means that God came to Earth and what he looked like, what he spoke like, what he lived like was Jesus!!! What is not to rejoice about??? What is to fear? God is Jesus -humble, beautiful, wise, sacrificial, challenging, honest, perfect, real loving Jesus. And this Jesus - this God - loves US! Wants US! Died for US! And if that wasn't enough - if that wasn't blazing, beautiful ENOUGH - He is Risen!!! The grave could not hold him - He (humble, beautiful, wise, sacrificial, challenging, honest, perfect, real, loving Jesus) will reign FOREVER. No more kings who subjugate minorities. No more lying politicians. No more BS - only true justice, perfect mercy, complete love. What is not to love about Jesus?

Two things occur to me in these moments:

(1) That there are a whole lot of people who have no real idea who Jesus is or the Earth shattering, game changing consequences of His life. Some of these people are living in the far reaches of the world, but a great number of them are living on my block. Some of them have literally never heard the name of Jesus, others wear a cross around their necks and attend church every week. I am telling you - to know Jesus, to consider the full implications of what His life means, is to be filled with a passion unspeakable.

(2) Some people don't want to know Jesus. Some people don't want justice. Some people don't want mercy. Some people don't want sacrifice. Some people don't want forgiveness. Some people would trade the joy of knowing God for the chance of being God themselves. This second thought breaks my heart; if there were any thing I wish were not true it would be this. But I sadly see it, some times in my own twisted and broken heart.

Dear Lord Jesus,

I am your humble servant. Please banish any part of me that lusts for Your position. Please use whatever is left of me to reveal who and what You are to all who encounter me. Thank You that Your Word assures that all who diligently seek You will find You. Thank You that You have guaranteed justice but offered mercy. May all longing hearts see that their satisfaction is in You.


Amen.

#76 My baby showing God's love to other people.

Syd's teacher approached me after school to tell me that Sydney has a "uncanny way of knowing when one of the teachers is having a hard day." (Of course, my immediate thought was 'Oh crap! Is she picking on them when their down?) Then she continues, "She always knows just the right thing to say to lift their spirit. God is really using her to love on us." Knock me down! Is there a better gift than that? I mean for real?

#77 Breathing through both nostrils.

I've had an awful case of allergies this season - headaches, a rampant runny nose and the need to more tissues than I care to admit. However, for two nights in a row - I have been able to breath clearly through BOTH nostrils, AT THE SAME TIME. In my book - that represents a good reason for a Hallelujah.

#78 Movie nights (or mornings or afternoons) with my brother and his family.

My brother, Anthony, came to visit with his wife, Dyana, and two children, Alex and Madelyn a few weeks back. Our thing is to watch movies together. They not only will consent to watch, but actually enjoy watching all the indy stuff I like. Plus, Dyana is a horror film buff like myself (I love you sisters, but you'd better leave the conviction about horror movies and coffee to the Holy Spirit) so she and I can watch and talk about the merits of the thriller/horror movies for hours. 

#79 Unexpected company (in more ways than one)

My cousin Tony (I realize this might get confusing - as I have a brother Anthony and a cousin Tony, but they are different men indeed), dropped into town unexpectedly this week. It was lovely to see him - he's one of those big teddy bears of man and I've had a special place for him since I was a munchkin myself. But it turns out he lives about 20 minutes from where we will be living in Indiana. Looks like both of us will have happy unexpected company.

#80 Hopscotch cupcakes

There is this place called the Retro Bakery less than a mile from our house. It makes a cupcake called "the Hopscotch" - it is SO good. Moist vanilla cake, some kinda delicious frosting, dipped in butterscotch. YUMO!

More Nichole Nordeman

Brave

The gate is wide
The road is paved in moderation
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in
Welcome to the middle ground
You're safe and sound 

And until now it's where I've been

'Cause it's been fear that ties me down to everything
But it's been love, Your love, that cuts the strings

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
 

I am small
And I speak when I'm spoken to
But I am willing to risk it all
I say Your name
Just Your name and I'm ready to jump
Even ready to fall...

Why did I take this vow of compromise?
Why did I try to keep it all inside?

I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame
Every storm will start with just a drop of rain
But if you believe in me
That changes everything
So long, I'm gone

To Know You

It's well past midnight
And I'm awake with questions that won't
Wait for daylight
Separating fact from my imaginary fiction
On this shelf of my conviction
I need to find a place
Where You and I come face to face

Thomas needed
Proof that You had really risen
Undefeated
When he placed his fingers
Where the nails once broke Your skin
Did his faith finally begin?
I've lied if I've denied
The common ground I've shared with him

And I, I really want to know You
I want to make each day
A different way that I can show You how
I really want to love You
Be patient with my doubt
I'm just tryin' to figure out Your will
And I really want to know You still

Nicodemus
Could not understand how You could
Truly free us
He struggled with the image
Of a grown man born again
We might have been good friends
Cuz sometimes I still question, too
How easily we come to You

No more campin' on the porch of indecision
No more sleepin' under stars of apathy
And it might be easier to dream
But dreamin's not for me

Dr. King and Mr. Rock

This morning I've been drinking my coffee and watching The Sunday Morning Show. They featured two, quite different, but impactful African-American men (although, I think they would both refer to themselves as Black): Martin Luther King Jr. and Chris Rock.

Now I am guessing you probably would not expect to find these two names side by side. And I, by no means, intend to compare them to one another - but they did both teach me something this morning.

First featured, was a story on the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr. Because this happened so long before I was born, I've had embarrassingly little exposure to his life or the circumstances around his death. For example, I've heard and was moved by his famous I Have a Dream speech. I also knew he was a Christian reverend, spoke during he civil rights movement and was assassinated. What I was not really aware of, is how ugly White America looked at this time. AMERICAN people embracing the swastika! A presidential candidate saying things like "Segregation now, segregation forever." Seriously?! I mean SERIOUSLY the swastika! Didn't we remember fighting a war against the evil behind that symbol not even 25 years before???? What are we capable of?

I was also unaware of the "I am a Man" march, in which Dr. King took part. Just before his death, Dr. King was focused on ending poverty and his last march was alongside sanitation workers in Memphis who were working under deplorable conditions. They walked (non-violently) through the streets with signs simply saying "I am a Man". Beautiful.

But look at us - guns? Tanks? Because some men are marching with signs claiming to be human? Seriously??? Perhpas those tanks were there to protect those men, but even then - what does that say about who they needed to be protected from!

Tears dripped off my chin. Who are we? Lord, why would you bother with us?

And then, his assassination. And Lord, why? Why him? Your child? Speaking so dynamically on Your behalf?? If you were ever going to intervene, why not James Earl Ray's gun? Or have him picked up and sent back jail two days before (he was an escaped convict)? Oh Lord, what a loss. What a loss...

And then! And THEN! They referred (on the Sunday morning show) to Dr. King's values as "Gandhian." Now, I am not saying that Gandhi is a bad man to  be compared to, he was a beautiful man - but I am pretty sure that is a ridiculous (and from my perspective insulting) oversight. Dr. King was a Christian - a Baptist reverend, who frequently quoted the Bible. And I am nearly 100% sure that if you asked him whose values he represented, it would have been Jesus Christ.

I mean seriously? Seriously? If we have to bear up under the fact that misguided Christians send their children off to "Jesus Camp" to learn how to hate people, or show up at funerals with "God Hates Fags" signs, or attend segregation (or now anti-Hispanic) rallies, gold crosses dangling around their necks - Can we at least keep those of us who really walk the Christian life out???? Those of us who are willing to risk (and in some cases lay down) our lives for Christ's sake?

Again -Lord, why do you bother with us? I gotta tell you, when you see us - I mean really take a cold hard look at who we are, the wrath of God is not hard to understand. If I was so radically misrepresented and every good thing I was part of was stolen or distorted - I'd have some pretty justifiable rage. The whole "flood the Earth, she'd be better off without humans" - thing makes complete sense. I mean we as humans know it! (Check out the Terminator series, or The Matrix, 2001 a Space Odyssey, or Brave New World, or 1984, or Anthem or....) Lord, we make no sense! We are so cruel and blind and self-centered.

Then The Sunday Morning Show wrapped up that peice and went to comerical.
When they came back, I was staring at the face of Chris Rock. He has a beautiful smile - perfectly white, straight teeth. And it's a little bit crooked and his eyes twinkle like a mischievious 11 year old. And they showed a clip from one of his stand up acts (my favorite actually), when he says each bullet should cost $5000. "You pay $5000, they're aint no innocent bystanders". And he is so wise and so irreverent and so funny and so honest, all at the same time.

And they were interviewing Mr. Rock about his decision to take a chance on a acting gig on Broadway. And he was so sweet and humble and funny. And he said something really wise - that being rich isn't about having money, but about having options. And I thought, "he is so right".

After these couple of moments, I went upstairs to get ready for church and I was praying in the shower out of my sadness for this world. Crying out to God, a big "Why bother with us?" And then I saw that goofy Chris Rock smile and I felt God reply:

Just for the chance to be with him. Just for the chance for him to be everything that I made him to be.

And I realized (again) just how much God loves us. Just how much he is willing to take, to provide for us the mere opportunity for healing and wholeness. And my heart was filled with gratitude and forgiveness - God loves, it's more than what He does it's who He is. He puts up with all of our wretched brokenness and keeps pouring out love.

Exposing the Wizard

Hello Family - sorry I have been away.

There are a lot of reasons for my absence, mostly it has to do with the nature of my walk with God right now - in that I find it to be a generally private time, where I've been called to really struggle somethings out without making it public.Perhaps the insights gained will make their way into a future post.

But I did want to post about something that has really been pressing on my heart over the past few weeks. Actually, I guess it's been thematically present since my return to Vegas. It's this this pressure I feel between my professional and personal selves.Specifically, I've been reflecting on a trend in psychology where we normalize and validate to help folks feel better, instead of helping them actually be better. I think this conflict arises from the fact that in order to help someone be better - you imply that there is some objective standard for determining what is "good" (or if your really PC you say "healthy") for someone and what is "bad" ("unhealthy") for someone. In psychology, we are really touchy about this stuff because we've imposed a lot of our Caucasian, educated, affluent cultural standards as the bar for "good" or "healthy" behavior, when in fact it was just our cultural biases.

For example, living with your parents until you are 30 is not OK in Caucasian culture - you are supposed to grow up and get out - that is "healthy." However, this is not "healthy" in many other cultures where living with your extended family is quite "healthy" throughout the lifetime. So for decades, Caucasian psychologists would tell minority folks they need to grow up and get out in order to be healthy, when this actually quite atypical and costly in the persons culture.

I think these mistakes have pressed psychologists into a place of believing in relativism - which is "Who am I to say what is healthy or unhealthy? What is good or bad is relative to the person in a given context, isn't it? And my job is really to help them identify their own good/bad, right?" This sounds all fine and dandy, accept that: (1) it isn't true and (2) it isn't helpful.

"What do you mean?" you ask. I mean that I don't believe for one second that what is truly good or bad, healthy or unhealthy varies based on the context. For example, in no context is manipulating, lying and conniving other people in order to meet your needs "healthy" or "good." It may be understandable, it may be normal, it may very well be the best you could do that that given moment; but it is not, nor was it ever, "healthy" or "good."

The problem arises in therapy, when we confuse normal, understandable, and best effort with healthy, good and wise. Those things are not the same thing and convincing our clients that they are is not helpful to them.

So now we come back to the original problem, and that is choosing our standard of measure. If you are going to have an idea of what a "good," "healthy," "wise" choice looks like; or contrarily "bad," "unhealthy," "unwise" choice looks like, where are you getting that idea? Prevailing dominant cultural norms? Clearly a bad point of reference. So where then?

You must all know now what my answer is - it's in the person and message of Jesus Christ. It's in who He was and how He lived. It's in what He taught and what He did. This is quite a controversial admission, as a psychologist; because basically, I am saying that health is looking more like Jesus, that making wise choices is making choices like Jesus, that being good is acting like Jesus.

And I guess I am just trying to work this thing out; conflicted about the fact that a great number of my colleagues would attack this very idea - worried that I might shame a woman whose had an abortion, or ridicule a man for being gay (I realize this represents a very limited and inaccurate reflection of what it means to act like Christ - but that's a point for a later post).I am also angry, because what they offer as replacement to me is BS (i.e., that everything is relative). And I am disappointed. Because there is so much fear here. Fear of being honest about who we really are and what we really believe; all hidden behind the mask of relativism. I got news, relativism is a curtain... there is a Wizard of Oz back there whose just a little person, with values and morals and ideas about what is good and bad. Come on out! Let's really expose the Wizard.