God has been talking to me lately. It's nice, because for awhile I felt like I was deaf again. Or more accurately, I felt like I was on hold...paused, halted, stopped.
In psychology we talk about our response to danger as "fight, flight or freeze" - me... I was frozen. As if all of the crap going on in my world might just stop happening if I stop moving, breathing, thinking, speaking.
I prayed this prayer a week ago in church:
Dearest Father,
I feel like I have been holding my breath for years now. Only you know if that is real or a just a figment of my perception, but it certainly feels real to me... [I feel] bound up and anxious. ... I am tired, Lord. Holding my breath is exhausting. I think I have been holding my breath with You. It's like I am afraid to breath.
Please give me breath, Paula
That afternoon, while I changed out laundry, I suddenly sighed a breath of relief. My Jackie was outside happily dissertating under a tree in the shade. My Sydney singing gleefully in a cool bath. My David lounging, reading the new Ted Dekker book Forbidden. My Dad sounding lighter and less bound up then he has in years. My Seth appreciated by his employer, taking a full weekend off and My Duarte smitten and risking in romance.
[Breath in] Oh thank you Jesus,
[Breath out] they are all ok.
[Breath in] They are all going to be...
[Breath out] ok.
I was holding my breath for them. I was holding my breath for me.
You see, I can see now how much my own well-being is intimately and intricately tied to my love for other people. How my heart lurches up and down with their moods, their worries, their pains. And though to some degree this is defining for me (i.e., God made me this way and I like it), it is also unhealthy when I let it rule my life instead of God (i.e., letting whether or not you breath rest on the whims of other people's emotions or decisions is unwise and frankly a roller-coaster).
So what I think now, is if I would like to breath regularly (as opposed to once every few months), I am going to have to submit myself more to God's authority and rule in my life. No more "Things will only be ok if [insert important persons name here] is ok." Because the truth is, every important person in my life is not likely to always be ok.
And honestly, I am not sure that God has any desire for me and anyone I love to be "ok." He wants us to be victors, warriors, lights in a dark world. He wants us to be healed and whole, vessels of His power and glory. And that is going to involve more than a little "not ok." It's going to involve suffering and trials and drama.So if I am going to breath, it's going to have to be in faith an trust to a constant, loving, miraculous God.
[Breath in] "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord
[Breath out] "plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
[Breath in] plans to give you hope and a future."
