"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." - Anais Nin
"How do you see your life?"
My life is a thread in a tapestry, at once of central significance and insignificant. As part of the tapestry it joins and binds, brings additional color and beauty, adds to and completes. Apart from the tapestry, it disintegrates, loosens, subtracts, abandons and rejects. Yet in either circumstance, the tapestry goes on.
I experience my life as a story, often a great novel or film. Sometimes I imagine that I am the central character. After all, there I am in every scene. I even carry the vast majority of the dialogue. But I am not the main character, but more of an audience to a story written about God on the pages of my life.
Life on earth is a test.
"Character is both developed and revealed by tests..."
"Every day is an important day, and every second a growth opportunity to deepen your character, to demonstrate love, or to depend on God."
I am having a reaction to the overall tone of this section. It's written as if God learns something about us through our performance on little ascribed tests throughout our day. Did Paula pick up that litter? Oh no? Mark it down in the book. Oh, Paula held the door for that elderly woman, Excellent! Mark it down in the book. It is my understanding that God knows me fully. That He needs a test to understand me no more than He needs oxygen to breath. I do think life can be considered a test - but it is a test designed to expose me to myself. To show me who I really am, like a pregnancy test reveals if you are pregnant or not -it tells you the way things are. In that way, I don't really think God's tests are pass or fail. We may certainly be displeased with the result (i.e., crap! I still have a fear problem) but this is not a 'failure' so much an acknowledgement of the truth (i.e., I need to grown more).
Life on earth is a trust.
The world and all that is in it belong to the LORD; the earth and all who live on it are his.
- Psalm 24:1 (TEV)
"We never really own anything during our brief stay on earth. God just loans the earth to us while we are here. It was God's property before you arrived and God will loan it to someone else after you die."
Amen!
"The first job God gave humans was to manage and take care of God's "stuff" on earth. The role has never been rescinded It is a part of our purpose today. Everything we enjoy is to be treated as a trust God has placed in our hands."
Amen! AND more importantly EVERYONE! Our children, our friends, our parents, our in-laws, our spouse, our family - a TRUST. Treat with care
Life on earth is a temporary assignment.
I am also having a reaction to this section, albeit a mixed reaction. On the one hand I want to shout "Amen!" this world is not right! It is unjust and there is mercilessness and suffering! I don't belong here. Again to quote CS Lewis from the Weight of Glory:
"It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling around with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at sea. We are far to easily pleased."
Or as in one of my favorite Swtichfoot songs Beautiful Letdown put's it:
"It was a beautiful letdown, the day I knew that all the riches this world has to offer me will never do. In a world full of bitter pain and bitter doubt, I was trying so hard to fit in until I found out that I don't belong here."
But I think we need to hold this truth in tandem with a corresponding truth; specifically that heaven is not somewhere else, some time later, where we go after we die. Instead that the kingdom of heaven is at hand. It is now. Our citizenship to the kingdom of heaven, our operation in the kingdom of heaven begins instantaneously with our renouncing our citizenship to the world and giving our heart to Jesus Christ. Certainly, we will know the kingdom with more fullness and completeness as the old world ultimately dies away, but we can access the kingdom and are part of the kingdom right now. We carry out it's aims, Right Now! We pray for the kingdom to take up a larger and larger residence RIGHT NOW!
Mr. Warren makes this point, "We're not completely happy here because we are not supposed to be... You will never feel completely satisfied on earth, because you were made for more. You will have happy moments here, but nothing compared to what God has planned for you."
On the one hand, I think he is correct - This world, as it is, will never satisfy us. But the implication is that it is because we are aliens on a foreign planet and won't be happy until we go home to planet Zeta (or whatever). That is not my read on Biblical truth. We were made for this planet and this planet for us. This is our home. We are not headed off to some other planet (neither literally, figuratively or metaphorically); our planet sick, our world is dying from sin. We cannot be satisfied so long as it remains. As long as their is injustice, suffering, oppression, betrayal, murder, hatred, malice, deceit, death, decay, isolation, loneliness, heartbreak, insecurity, fear, selfishness, entitlement, pride, gossip, bitterness or self-loathing. As long as the kingdom of death marches along side the kingdom of life we shall not, we cannot be satisfied.
True. The only immediate escape from this reality is death. When we enter the full presence of God and leave the world behind. But this will not always be so. God promises that someday His kingdom will rule ON THE EARTH. Our home will be restored, redeemed. Sin will be cast out. A Holy Temple restored.
Our job, our mission, is to go about acting as if today were that day. That the fact of the future, is the the Truth now. Ephesians 4: 22-24 puts it this way:
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. - NIV
I realize that this understanding of heaven is not popular - in the sense that most folks talk about heaven as a far off, distant paradise in the sky. But I encourage to you examine Christ's teachings and dig into your Scripture and see if it is not so. Test it out.
For me it has meant changing citizenship now. It has meant acknowledging God and His kingdom as alive and active everyday, everywhere. It has meant participating as if it heaven were now, even when the kingdom of death would have me believe otherwise.
Love you.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Day 4
"This life is not all there is."
I recently had a conversation with my nephew, Alex (the 22 year old genius), about God. He said that he finds the most people struggle with the hell part of the Christian faith, but for him the most fearful part of the Christian belief system is the eternity of it all. He said that at 8 or 9 he just couldn't tolerate the idea of it "never ending."
What struck me is that 8 or 9 year-old Alex understood, in a profound way, the gravity of a belief in an eternal afterlife. That humans last forever. He understood this as only a budding mathematician (what does the numerical value of infinity really mean), scientist (how big is the universe) and genius (my brain hurts trying to think this big) could. He understood it then and understands it now in real terms (or realer terms at least) than I can. Likely than you can.
He understands that the magnitude of infinity should crush us, overwhelm us.
CS Lewis got it too. He wrote a whole essay on it entitled The Weight of Glory. I want to quote the whole thing here, but instead I'll give you my favorite part:
“It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree helping each other to one or the other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all of our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations - These are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.” [emphasis mine]
If the Christian belief system is the ultimate Truth, if we are destined for an eternal afterlife shaped by our choices in this finite-life - it is a very, very serious responsibility indeed.
"Every act of our lives strikes some chord that will vibrate for eternity."
Question to Ponder: Since I was made to last forever, what is the one thing I should stop doing and the one thing I should start doing today?
The first one is easy... I should stop worrying. Despite my direct knowledge of this fact, I still worry with more intensity, frequency and duration than I think is healthy. I still must buy into the lie that my worry is somehow beneficial. Or maybe it's just habit? Or old unhealed pain? I don't know. But I absolutely know that it needs to go. It eats up resources I could be using elsewhere.
The second one is harder... what should I be doing more of. I mean I could say loving more. I think that's the Christian thing to say. But I think I love pretty all in, I think I love big. Maybe forgive more? Again, I think I forgive pretty well. I don't know family... what do you think I should do more of? Sleep. Tee hee. Rest. Maybe rest. Thoughts?
Dearest Father God, May the gravity of eternal life awaken me.May I have eyes to see, ears to hear. This is serious business, this life, may I walk as if I know it. May I love, as if I get it. Amen.
I recently had a conversation with my nephew, Alex (the 22 year old genius), about God. He said that he finds the most people struggle with the hell part of the Christian faith, but for him the most fearful part of the Christian belief system is the eternity of it all. He said that at 8 or 9 he just couldn't tolerate the idea of it "never ending."
What struck me is that 8 or 9 year-old Alex understood, in a profound way, the gravity of a belief in an eternal afterlife. That humans last forever. He understood this as only a budding mathematician (what does the numerical value of infinity really mean), scientist (how big is the universe) and genius (my brain hurts trying to think this big) could. He understood it then and understands it now in real terms (or realer terms at least) than I can. Likely than you can.
He understands that the magnitude of infinity should crush us, overwhelm us.
CS Lewis got it too. He wrote a whole essay on it entitled The Weight of Glory. I want to quote the whole thing here, but instead I'll give you my favorite part:
“It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree helping each other to one or the other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all of our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations - These are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.” [emphasis mine]
If the Christian belief system is the ultimate Truth, if we are destined for an eternal afterlife shaped by our choices in this finite-life - it is a very, very serious responsibility indeed.
"Every act of our lives strikes some chord that will vibrate for eternity."
Question to Ponder: Since I was made to last forever, what is the one thing I should stop doing and the one thing I should start doing today?
The first one is easy... I should stop worrying. Despite my direct knowledge of this fact, I still worry with more intensity, frequency and duration than I think is healthy. I still must buy into the lie that my worry is somehow beneficial. Or maybe it's just habit? Or old unhealed pain? I don't know. But I absolutely know that it needs to go. It eats up resources I could be using elsewhere.
The second one is harder... what should I be doing more of. I mean I could say loving more. I think that's the Christian thing to say. But I think I love pretty all in, I think I love big. Maybe forgive more? Again, I think I forgive pretty well. I don't know family... what do you think I should do more of? Sleep. Tee hee. Rest. Maybe rest. Thoughts?
Dearest Father God, May the gravity of eternal life awaken me.May I have eyes to see, ears to hear. This is serious business, this life, may I walk as if I know it. May I love, as if I get it. Amen.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Day 2
Long before he laid down earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love.
- Ephesians 1:4a The Message
Hmmm... Humans as a unique focus of God's love.
It is popular in the Christian church to talk about our favored role in all creation (i.e., we are the crown jewel of all creation). This usually rubs me wrong, because I find so much of God in animals, in plants (especially trees) in the earth itself. I think - "So God doesn't love trees as much as me?" And technically speaking, I think the answer to this question implied in these verses would be "No."
But I don't know if that is exactly what those verses are saying. I keep rolling over the idea that there is something unique about humans and their relationship to God's love. We are special, different in our relationship to it. I want to say those verses tell us something about our fundamental purpose in the role of creation in it's entirety; specifically that love is at the core of our (people's) purpose. Basically that at our core we were created to be love and to love. Like the stars might be said to be the focus of God's majesty and power, or water is the focus of his immutability and transformation. Though loved (for He cannot help but love, but is love), their purpose is to reflect other attributes of the Divine nature.
Thus, humans are uniquely about love.
I think this fits well with everything I know (both as a person and professional about the human condition and make-up. As one of my new favorite speakers says "Everything that social sciences suggest is that we are made for connection (love)." This is supported by behavioral psychology which suggests that affection (love) is THE primary reinforcer. Or what social psychologists have explained about torture; specifically that social isolation is the worst form of torture (blocking love). It also fits with the sea of clients who I've seen that are deeply searching for unconditional love. Love not available in their marriage, their friends, their parents. They ache for it. Deeply ache for it. What are they looking for?
We were born to love and be loved. This fits for me.
"Why did Go do all this? Why did he bother to go to all the trouble of creating a universe for us? Because he is a God of love. This kind of love is difficult to fathom, but it's fundamentally reliable. You were created as a special object of God's love! God made you so he could love you. This is a truth to build your life on."
.
"Love is the essence of God's character."
Question to Consider: I know that God uniquely created me. What areas of my personality, background and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?
Well... my body. I think after a great number of years I have finally made peace with my butt. It is larger than I want it to be. Always has been. But I figured out that God knew I would be sitting a lot as a therapist and I needed something squishy to make it more comfortable. But I am still unhappy with my weight. Sometimes my face. I want to be a supermodel. I want to be ... I don't know ... everything beautiful, nothing ugly.
I also struggle with my anxiety. The pain of rejections I've felt throughout my life (i.e., Why couldn't you 'like me back' Mikey?; Why couldn't you quit blaming me Katie?). The idea that my thoughts, my actions, my needs do not dictate the motions of the earth (i.e., that perhaps the reason people I love hurt me, most often has nothing to do with me).
Dear Lord, Help me accept me, accept my life, accept that I am Your handiwork. Help me to accept that You can be found in my pain and my healing. Better yet, help me to love me. Help me to see me as You see me; not the master of the universe but a precious child. Not a pile of flawed make-up, extra weight and loneliness, but a warrior of honor called to fight for love, peace, faith, hope and justice. Help me tune in to the Truth that at once I am both small (a wisp, a vapor) and big (a mother, a legacy creator, a point of light); bad and good; broken and healed; lost and redeemed. May Your kingdom reign in my life more and more; where I am more righteous, more whole, more love - keep Your promise that I will move from Glory to Glory forever. Amen.
- Ephesians 1:4a The Message
Hmmm... Humans as a unique focus of God's love.
It is popular in the Christian church to talk about our favored role in all creation (i.e., we are the crown jewel of all creation). This usually rubs me wrong, because I find so much of God in animals, in plants (especially trees) in the earth itself. I think - "So God doesn't love trees as much as me?" And technically speaking, I think the answer to this question implied in these verses would be "No."
But I don't know if that is exactly what those verses are saying. I keep rolling over the idea that there is something unique about humans and their relationship to God's love. We are special, different in our relationship to it. I want to say those verses tell us something about our fundamental purpose in the role of creation in it's entirety; specifically that love is at the core of our (people's) purpose. Basically that at our core we were created to be love and to love. Like the stars might be said to be the focus of God's majesty and power, or water is the focus of his immutability and transformation. Though loved (for He cannot help but love, but is love), their purpose is to reflect other attributes of the Divine nature.
Thus, humans are uniquely about love.
I think this fits well with everything I know (both as a person and professional about the human condition and make-up. As one of my new favorite speakers says "Everything that social sciences suggest is that we are made for connection (love)." This is supported by behavioral psychology which suggests that affection (love) is THE primary reinforcer. Or what social psychologists have explained about torture; specifically that social isolation is the worst form of torture (blocking love). It also fits with the sea of clients who I've seen that are deeply searching for unconditional love. Love not available in their marriage, their friends, their parents. They ache for it. Deeply ache for it. What are they looking for?
We were born to love and be loved. This fits for me.
"Why did Go do all this? Why did he bother to go to all the trouble of creating a universe for us? Because he is a God of love. This kind of love is difficult to fathom, but it's fundamentally reliable. You were created as a special object of God's love! God made you so he could love you. This is a truth to build your life on."
.
"Love is the essence of God's character."
Question to Consider: I know that God uniquely created me. What areas of my personality, background and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?
Well... my body. I think after a great number of years I have finally made peace with my butt. It is larger than I want it to be. Always has been. But I figured out that God knew I would be sitting a lot as a therapist and I needed something squishy to make it more comfortable. But I am still unhappy with my weight. Sometimes my face. I want to be a supermodel. I want to be ... I don't know ... everything beautiful, nothing ugly.
I also struggle with my anxiety. The pain of rejections I've felt throughout my life (i.e., Why couldn't you 'like me back' Mikey?; Why couldn't you quit blaming me Katie?). The idea that my thoughts, my actions, my needs do not dictate the motions of the earth (i.e., that perhaps the reason people I love hurt me, most often has nothing to do with me).
Dear Lord, Help me accept me, accept my life, accept that I am Your handiwork. Help me to accept that You can be found in my pain and my healing. Better yet, help me to love me. Help me to see me as You see me; not the master of the universe but a precious child. Not a pile of flawed make-up, extra weight and loneliness, but a warrior of honor called to fight for love, peace, faith, hope and justice. Help me tune in to the Truth that at once I am both small (a wisp, a vapor) and big (a mother, a legacy creator, a point of light); bad and good; broken and healed; lost and redeemed. May Your kingdom reign in my life more and more; where I am more righteous, more whole, more love - keep Your promise that I will move from Glory to Glory forever. Amen.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Day 1
A life devoted to things is a dead life, a stump; a God-shaped life is a flourishing tree.
- Proverbs 11:28 The Message
"If I handed you an invention you had never seen before, you wouldn't know it's purpose, and the invention itself wouldn't be able to tell you either. Only the creator or the owner's manual could reveal its purpose."
Is this really true? Can I tell nothing of a person's purpose by looking at them? By knowing them? What sense is encouragement then? Or insight? Or reflection? Or community?
Perhaps it's larger than I am imagining. Perhaps we see gifts, talents, strengths, weaknesses, abilities - Clues, but not answers. Only God knows how they are to be woven together into a life. Into a whole, living, thriving person. Past that and into The Grand Story.
"But being successful and fulfilling your life's purpose are not at all the same issue!"
Amen, brother.
Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self.
- Matthew 16:25 The Message
Gulp. I knew God had something to say. I should have know it was this (see the blog post entitled Self-Centered).
Ok. Ok. It is not about me. I know it is not.... about.... me.
It's in Christ that we find what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.
- Ephesians 1:11 The Message
In everything... in everyone. His purpose does not consider me in isolation. It considers my life a thread in a tapestry. I tapestry that He is weaving and creating. A glorious and beautiful tapestry of redemption.
"Question to Consider: In spite of all of the advertising around me, how can I remind myself that life is really about living for God, not myself?"
Shit people, I can't even get out of bed and to the Bible without tripping over this nonsense. I am broken. I am self-centered. Let's talk about this morning. Syd woke up early. David was kind enough to let me sleep and handle her breakfast and TV. She wandered upstairs and hour later and I was bitterly complaining in my head about how inconsiderate it was for David to allow her to come upstairs while I was still sleeping. AN HOUR LATER. Exactly 10 minutes before I was supposed to get out of bed anyway. Selfish.
Then it's about my hair, my clothes, my work schedule, my duties, my responsibilities, my task list, my self-esteem. Oh and let's not forget my WEIGHT! Rambling on in my head like an endless swelling and subsiding of the ocean. I am so sick of worrying about myself! I am so tired of managing myself. I am so done with myself.
*Sigh*
Lord, Here I am. Here is my schedule. Here is my self-esteem. Here are my clients. Here is my marriage. Here are my friendships and the commune. Here is the EPPP. Here is my shame about not having taken it yet. Here is my sea of unfinished progress notes. Here is my broken record diatribe about working harder. You take it all. I am done with it. When I try to grab it back from you... oh, in like 15 minutes, please smack my hand away. I know that this life is about you. Please, please remind me.
I love you.
- Proverbs 11:28 The Message
"If I handed you an invention you had never seen before, you wouldn't know it's purpose, and the invention itself wouldn't be able to tell you either. Only the creator or the owner's manual could reveal its purpose."
Is this really true? Can I tell nothing of a person's purpose by looking at them? By knowing them? What sense is encouragement then? Or insight? Or reflection? Or community?
Perhaps it's larger than I am imagining. Perhaps we see gifts, talents, strengths, weaknesses, abilities - Clues, but not answers. Only God knows how they are to be woven together into a life. Into a whole, living, thriving person. Past that and into The Grand Story.
"But being successful and fulfilling your life's purpose are not at all the same issue!"
Amen, brother.
Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self.
- Matthew 16:25 The Message
Gulp. I knew God had something to say. I should have know it was this (see the blog post entitled Self-Centered).
Ok. Ok. It is not about me. I know it is not.... about.... me.
It's in Christ that we find what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.
- Ephesians 1:11 The Message
In everything... in everyone. His purpose does not consider me in isolation. It considers my life a thread in a tapestry. I tapestry that He is weaving and creating. A glorious and beautiful tapestry of redemption.
"Question to Consider: In spite of all of the advertising around me, how can I remind myself that life is really about living for God, not myself?"
Shit people, I can't even get out of bed and to the Bible without tripping over this nonsense. I am broken. I am self-centered. Let's talk about this morning. Syd woke up early. David was kind enough to let me sleep and handle her breakfast and TV. She wandered upstairs and hour later and I was bitterly complaining in my head about how inconsiderate it was for David to allow her to come upstairs while I was still sleeping. AN HOUR LATER. Exactly 10 minutes before I was supposed to get out of bed anyway. Selfish.
Then it's about my hair, my clothes, my work schedule, my duties, my responsibilities, my task list, my self-esteem. Oh and let's not forget my WEIGHT! Rambling on in my head like an endless swelling and subsiding of the ocean. I am so sick of worrying about myself! I am so tired of managing myself. I am so done with myself.
*Sigh*
Lord, Here I am. Here is my schedule. Here is my self-esteem. Here are my clients. Here is my marriage. Here are my friendships and the commune. Here is the EPPP. Here is my shame about not having taken it yet. Here is my sea of unfinished progress notes. Here is my broken record diatribe about working harder. You take it all. I am done with it. When I try to grab it back from you... oh, in like 15 minutes, please smack my hand away. I know that this life is about you. Please, please remind me.
I love you.
40 Days
I signed a covenant today.
I thought I should tell you, because this is supposed to be a place where I document my faith walk and covenants are a pretty big deal. Blood oaths. Forever promises. The language of God.
I am not sure if signing a covenant to read a book is right, but that it what I did. I signed a covenant to read (or more accurately re-read) Rick Warrens The Purpose Driven Life. I signed the covenant because I know I need something similar to what I needed then. I am different now, but I still need a paced, more seasoned look at the words.
I think, more than that, I need a slow, 40 day, focused walk with God. I need to return to the fundamentals. I need something easy (I think I can handle two pages a day) but challenging (these pages are no joke).
But mostly... I just need. And I have found water here before. I have found stuff to screw my head on straight here before. So I am going to this pool again to take a drink. My sincere prayer is that God will use this 40 days to shake me up again. That He will show up and put His foot down about my life again. The first 40 day journey through this text changed my life forever. I am looking for that kind of change again.
I am also going to check in with you all about this process. This is my open journal about the days ahead. I am intending to wrestle with each question here as authentically and openly as possible. Courage. I commit to you, to myself, and most importantly to God, that complete transparency about all of my crap (sin, doubt, fear) is the goal. Confession. I have those in my life who influence this - my words may be vague at times - but only in an effort to protect them. Honor. I am going to put my money right where my mouth is (or more accurately where my fingers type). Integrity.
Join me? Community.
I love you.
God, I trust you. Let's do this thing.
I thought I should tell you, because this is supposed to be a place where I document my faith walk and covenants are a pretty big deal. Blood oaths. Forever promises. The language of God.
I am not sure if signing a covenant to read a book is right, but that it what I did. I signed a covenant to read (or more accurately re-read) Rick Warrens The Purpose Driven Life. I signed the covenant because I know I need something similar to what I needed then. I am different now, but I still need a paced, more seasoned look at the words.
I think, more than that, I need a slow, 40 day, focused walk with God. I need to return to the fundamentals. I need something easy (I think I can handle two pages a day) but challenging (these pages are no joke).
But mostly... I just need. And I have found water here before. I have found stuff to screw my head on straight here before. So I am going to this pool again to take a drink. My sincere prayer is that God will use this 40 days to shake me up again. That He will show up and put His foot down about my life again. The first 40 day journey through this text changed my life forever. I am looking for that kind of change again.
I am also going to check in with you all about this process. This is my open journal about the days ahead. I am intending to wrestle with each question here as authentically and openly as possible. Courage. I commit to you, to myself, and most importantly to God, that complete transparency about all of my crap (sin, doubt, fear) is the goal. Confession. I have those in my life who influence this - my words may be vague at times - but only in an effort to protect them. Honor. I am going to put my money right where my mouth is (or more accurately where my fingers type). Integrity.
Join me? Community.
I love you.
God, I trust you. Let's do this thing.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Self-Centered
I've been reading/studying the book of Acts recently. For those unfamiliar, the book of Acts details the experiences of the early church including it's persecution and explosive expansion after the resurrection of Christ. Most recently, I've been in Chapter 8 which takes place as the early disciples fled Jerusalem due to persecution and the gospel spread to where ever they went.
In addition to reading the actual passages of Scripture, I also have been using my spiffy new Study Bible notes to get a deeper understanding of the text. And though I generally love my Study Bible, the note I read today really got stuck in my craw. Here it is:
Persecution forced the believers out their homes in Jerusalem, and along with them went the gospel. Sometimes we have to become uncomfortable before we'll move. We may not want to experience it, but discomfort may be best for us because God may be working through out hurts. When you are tempted to complain about uncomfortable or painful circumstances, stop and ask if God might be preparing you for a special task.
I don't know that I take issue with the whole note. Because parts of it are right, you know. Like I enjoy comfort, if I am comfortable I am not likely to uproot my life and move. Certainly the discomfort of facing persecution, literally forced these people from their homes. So in some sense, this note is true.
I don't know... I just get this bad feeling in my stomach when two things happen: (1) when we explicitly or implicitly place God as a author of suffering and (2) when we make suffering into a "teaching moment."
Specifically, it seems to me that God did work out the expansion of the church through the dispersion of the early disciples (i.e., persecutions ultimately facilitated godly aims). But I don't think it is a fair read to say, God inspired persecution to make these brandy new believers uncomfortable so they would get off their duff and move. Nor do I think God was trying to teach them a lesson. Or prepare them for a task. Ultimately, I don't think it was about THEM at all. It was about God. It was about bringing about God's kingdom to the Earth.
What I believe is that when we surrender our lives to God, we say "God, my life is Yours. Use it to bring about Your purposes. Use it at You see fit." Thus, God was using each of their lives (surrendered to Him of their own volition), as they dispersed from Jerusalem to bring His message with them.
Sometimes I think we (DEFINITELY MYSELF INCLUDED HERE) see suffering from such a self-centered lens. If I am suffering it must be because I am being punished or I need to learn a lesson or I am being developed. When I am pretty sure if God allows suffering, especially suffering of the magnitude of persecution, it is because of aims far bigger than any one of us. In the case of the early church, this is suffering for spreading of the message of hope and redemption, of God's unconditional love for the world and everyone in it. Not whether or not Sally Disciple was "ready" for some task or not.
I mean don't you want to know that the suffering you face/have faced has more meaning than just you?? Cause some of the sufferings that exist and are endured cannot be accounted for on selfish, self-centered terms (i.e., how does my suffering work out to benefit me). Instead, it can only be understood in the context Christ's kingdom coming. Specifically, if we will turn over our lives (sufferings an successes) to God, He will weave them into the story that spells Redemption for the world. That's right...THE WORLD.
Not just you.
Not just me.
The World.
His kingdom coming to The World.
If we could just remember that God has a plan for The World (all of creation) not just us. That He has a plan for us, but not ABOUT us. That we have a part to play, but not THE part to play.
In addition to reading the actual passages of Scripture, I also have been using my spiffy new Study Bible notes to get a deeper understanding of the text. And though I generally love my Study Bible, the note I read today really got stuck in my craw. Here it is:
Persecution forced the believers out their homes in Jerusalem, and along with them went the gospel. Sometimes we have to become uncomfortable before we'll move. We may not want to experience it, but discomfort may be best for us because God may be working through out hurts. When you are tempted to complain about uncomfortable or painful circumstances, stop and ask if God might be preparing you for a special task.
I don't know that I take issue with the whole note. Because parts of it are right, you know. Like I enjoy comfort, if I am comfortable I am not likely to uproot my life and move. Certainly the discomfort of facing persecution, literally forced these people from their homes. So in some sense, this note is true.
I don't know... I just get this bad feeling in my stomach when two things happen: (1) when we explicitly or implicitly place God as a author of suffering and (2) when we make suffering into a "teaching moment."
Specifically, it seems to me that God did work out the expansion of the church through the dispersion of the early disciples (i.e., persecutions ultimately facilitated godly aims). But I don't think it is a fair read to say, God inspired persecution to make these brandy new believers uncomfortable so they would get off their duff and move. Nor do I think God was trying to teach them a lesson. Or prepare them for a task. Ultimately, I don't think it was about THEM at all. It was about God. It was about bringing about God's kingdom to the Earth.
What I believe is that when we surrender our lives to God, we say "God, my life is Yours. Use it to bring about Your purposes. Use it at You see fit." Thus, God was using each of their lives (surrendered to Him of their own volition), as they dispersed from Jerusalem to bring His message with them.
Sometimes I think we (DEFINITELY MYSELF INCLUDED HERE) see suffering from such a self-centered lens. If I am suffering it must be because I am being punished or I need to learn a lesson or I am being developed. When I am pretty sure if God allows suffering, especially suffering of the magnitude of persecution, it is because of aims far bigger than any one of us. In the case of the early church, this is suffering for spreading of the message of hope and redemption, of God's unconditional love for the world and everyone in it. Not whether or not Sally Disciple was "ready" for some task or not.
I mean don't you want to know that the suffering you face/have faced has more meaning than just you?? Cause some of the sufferings that exist and are endured cannot be accounted for on selfish, self-centered terms (i.e., how does my suffering work out to benefit me). Instead, it can only be understood in the context Christ's kingdom coming. Specifically, if we will turn over our lives (sufferings an successes) to God, He will weave them into the story that spells Redemption for the world. That's right...THE WORLD.
Not just you.
Not just me.
The World.
His kingdom coming to The World.
If we could just remember that God has a plan for The World (all of creation) not just us. That He has a plan for us, but not ABOUT us. That we have a part to play, but not THE part to play.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Forgiveness is the lynch pin
I recently went over my old, unposted posts here on the blog. Most of them were half written, incomplete meditations or things that ended up feeling too raw to share in this forum. But I also happened upon one about forgiveness. It was during a season when I had been thinking a lot about forgiveness. Examining it from a variety of angles (i.e., personal, psychological, historical, theological, etc.) - it seems like I understood something for a minute there. Something I was glad to be reminded about.
Below is the post (edited a bit). I hope it resonates for you.
I've been thinking about forgiveness a lot lately. I remember when this current meditation started. I was at the Christmas Tea at Calvary Chapel Spring Valley and the speaker was talking about the importance of slowing down and reflecting on the Christmas story rather than running around completely distracted. It was a good talk, but in my case at least, she was preaching to the choir. I want to have SLOW DOWN tattooed on my heart. So I was tuning in and tuning out - but then she said something that really stuck out for me. She was making the point that Jesus was the perfect gift and she said something like, "If our problem was a lack of knowledge, He would've sent an academic. If our problem was financial, He would've sent an economist. If our problem was political, He would've sent a politician. But our problem is sin, and so He sent forgiveness in the form of a savior."
This really got me thinking because my tendency is to see the world's problems as so multifaceted as to be nearly unsolvable. You know... I tend to think that war, starvation and injustice are the result of socioeconomic factors, historical pressures, unequal distribution of wealth, corrupt politicians, physical conditions, biological differences, etc - I do not typically see them as all tied to a singular root, much less the single root of sin and un-forgiveness. Yet this is what she was saying... and so I started spinning it around in my mind. Thinking about my life, thinking about my clients lives, my friends lives and trends between cultures and times.
And I gotta tell you - the more I think about it, the more I think forgiveness is the lynch pin in the whole redemption plan.
Think about it like this - sin and un-forgiveness are intricately tied such that to some degree every sin is tied to an unhealed (and most likely unforgiven) wound. Since the first sin, there has been a (generally) uninterrupted pattern of broken (sinned against) people hurting (sinning against) other people.
To make this personal, when you are sinned against - you are hurt. Without forgiveness, that hurt drives you to act on your own behalf to either (1) get revenge or (2) insure that "never happens to me again." Problem is revenge immediately hurts the other (sin as a reaction to sin - increasing rather than decreasing our overall problem) and trying to insure that it "never happens again" still eventually hurts others.
How exactly does that happen you might ask? How does protecting myself from being sinned against actually cause me to sin against others?
I think when ever we resolve to completely avoid taking one relational role we necessarily take it's complementary role. So for example, if we resolve to never be the victim again, we become the perpetrator.
The way this really resonated for me was through a conversation I had with a Jewish girlfriend of mine this past week. She was talking about how she and her husband had parted ways with Jewish tradition because they couldn't understand the unmasked hatred toward the Palestinian people. She also shared some of her experiences growing up Jewish where the motto was "never again" referring to the losses in the Holocaust and Russia due to genocide. Specifically, she described the Jewish people as determining to prevent their own oppression by building up physical (a huge and elite armed force), intellectual (a large number of highly educated people), and financial (accumulating wealth) power. Power they will now use to scare, manipulate or buy their safety. Sadly, this plan "to protect" looks eerily like the plan originally used to by their oppressors.
From my perspective, the cost of unforgiveness in this situation is incredibly high - without forgiveness the only choice was to become (or at least resemble closely) that which they hate.
And I don't think this plays out on only a political level either. I am pretty sure it boils down to the personal level as well. By seeking to avoid being abused, you become an abuser - to avoiding being controlled, controlling - to avoid being rejected, rejecting. And perhaps its not always so clean and parallel but it seems highly likely to me that all the wounding comes from wounds.
Thus, what did we need - an economist? an academic? a therapist?
No, we needed to start forgiving each other. A reason to start seeing each other as broken people in need of love, wounding us out of a place of brokenness.
We needed Jesus. We needed someone to model and live a life of radical love and forgiveness. We needed some one to say, "You have heard it said: 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." But more than that, we needed someone to LIVE IT! A man that would carry a cross for nothing. Who would be "pierced for our transgressions" and still say "Father forgive them, the know not what they are doing."
We still need Him. I need Him every single day. I need Him so that I can remember why I need to forgive. I need Him so that I have a prayer of remembering even when I am persecuted, even if when I am diminished, even if when I am aching that it is NEVER my job to make sure it doesn't happen again. It is my job to forgive.
Below is the post (edited a bit). I hope it resonates for you.
I've been thinking about forgiveness a lot lately. I remember when this current meditation started. I was at the Christmas Tea at Calvary Chapel Spring Valley and the speaker was talking about the importance of slowing down and reflecting on the Christmas story rather than running around completely distracted. It was a good talk, but in my case at least, she was preaching to the choir. I want to have SLOW DOWN tattooed on my heart. So I was tuning in and tuning out - but then she said something that really stuck out for me. She was making the point that Jesus was the perfect gift and she said something like, "If our problem was a lack of knowledge, He would've sent an academic. If our problem was financial, He would've sent an economist. If our problem was political, He would've sent a politician. But our problem is sin, and so He sent forgiveness in the form of a savior."
This really got me thinking because my tendency is to see the world's problems as so multifaceted as to be nearly unsolvable. You know... I tend to think that war, starvation and injustice are the result of socioeconomic factors, historical pressures, unequal distribution of wealth, corrupt politicians, physical conditions, biological differences, etc - I do not typically see them as all tied to a singular root, much less the single root of sin and un-forgiveness. Yet this is what she was saying... and so I started spinning it around in my mind. Thinking about my life, thinking about my clients lives, my friends lives and trends between cultures and times.
And I gotta tell you - the more I think about it, the more I think forgiveness is the lynch pin in the whole redemption plan.
Think about it like this - sin and un-forgiveness are intricately tied such that to some degree every sin is tied to an unhealed (and most likely unforgiven) wound. Since the first sin, there has been a (generally) uninterrupted pattern of broken (sinned against) people hurting (sinning against) other people.
To make this personal, when you are sinned against - you are hurt. Without forgiveness, that hurt drives you to act on your own behalf to either (1) get revenge or (2) insure that "never happens to me again." Problem is revenge immediately hurts the other (sin as a reaction to sin - increasing rather than decreasing our overall problem) and trying to insure that it "never happens again" still eventually hurts others.
How exactly does that happen you might ask? How does protecting myself from being sinned against actually cause me to sin against others?
I think when ever we resolve to completely avoid taking one relational role we necessarily take it's complementary role. So for example, if we resolve to never be the victim again, we become the perpetrator.
The way this really resonated for me was through a conversation I had with a Jewish girlfriend of mine this past week. She was talking about how she and her husband had parted ways with Jewish tradition because they couldn't understand the unmasked hatred toward the Palestinian people. She also shared some of her experiences growing up Jewish where the motto was "never again" referring to the losses in the Holocaust and Russia due to genocide. Specifically, she described the Jewish people as determining to prevent their own oppression by building up physical (a huge and elite armed force), intellectual (a large number of highly educated people), and financial (accumulating wealth) power. Power they will now use to scare, manipulate or buy their safety. Sadly, this plan "to protect" looks eerily like the plan originally used to by their oppressors.
From my perspective, the cost of unforgiveness in this situation is incredibly high - without forgiveness the only choice was to become (or at least resemble closely) that which they hate.
And I don't think this plays out on only a political level either. I am pretty sure it boils down to the personal level as well. By seeking to avoid being abused, you become an abuser - to avoiding being controlled, controlling - to avoid being rejected, rejecting. And perhaps its not always so clean and parallel but it seems highly likely to me that all the wounding comes from wounds.
Thus, what did we need - an economist? an academic? a therapist?
No, we needed to start forgiving each other. A reason to start seeing each other as broken people in need of love, wounding us out of a place of brokenness.
We needed Jesus. We needed someone to model and live a life of radical love and forgiveness. We needed some one to say, "You have heard it said: 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." But more than that, we needed someone to LIVE IT! A man that would carry a cross for nothing. Who would be "pierced for our transgressions" and still say "Father forgive them, the know not what they are doing."
We still need Him. I need Him every single day. I need Him so that I can remember why I need to forgive. I need Him so that I have a prayer of remembering even when I am persecuted, even if when I am diminished, even if when I am aching that it is NEVER my job to make sure it doesn't happen again. It is my job to forgive.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Fear of God
David and I have been on the road a lot the past two weekends. We left Miss Syd with my brother in Marion for a week, which required us to make the trek ourselves four times in total. We talked about a lot of topics over the rides to and fro. We also listened to a lot of good music... and some not so good music. You see, David loves Rick Springfield.
Yes... I mean "You know I wish that I had Jesse's Girl" Rick Springfield. I am also perfectly aware that it is not 1985 or even 1993. Still, the man likes what the man likes. And as a supportive wife, I bear through 3-4 minutes of sound pollution (ok, I am exaggerating) to demonstrate my love.
One Rick Springfield song I found particularly offensive, was called Like Father, Like Son. And in the chorus was a line I found particularly unsettling "Fear of God and the feel of the rod will raise a good boy."
Yuck - bluck - spitting feeling in the mouth gross. I am picturing Tom Hanks wiping his tongue after he eats caviar in Big. "Nuh-uh!" I want to say, "Fear of God and the feel of the rod does not raise good children. It raises future therapy clients."
And that is how I have felt about fear of God in a nutshell for the vast majority of my life. Fear of God damages people, it interferes in their relationship with God. The phrase "fear God" in the Bible is better translated "stand in awe of God." Done. Settled.
Accept.... it's not.
Ironically, after I had my disgust reaction to Rick Springfield I found myself in a long conversation with my brother and nephew about the Church in America. About it's supposed political marriage with issues of intolerance, oppression and greed. About my rage, at the sheer hypocrisy of so many folks - that folks who publicly identify as my brothers and sisters refer to the poor as leeches or make racial or sexual slurs. Not to mention the endless supply of pastors who get caught cheating on their wives, using drugs or embezzling church funds.
I found myself saying things like - "You know... I am not talking about folks outside of the church. I am talking about people who claim to take the idea seriously that there is an Everlasting, Eternal, Holy, Righteous, Omniscient and Omnipotent God. How can you spit in His face?!? How can you so egregiously disregard His Word?!?" Which at the end is really... They ought to fear God.
We ought to fear God.
Not just in the "WOW isn't He big, like the ocean" kinda way. If we confess to be Christian, we ought to fear Him.
Now here's the problem - people fear God for all kinds of wrong reasons. For example, We ought not to fear him because He is mean - because He is kindness. We ought not to fear Him because He is punitive - because He is merciful. We ought not to fear Him because He is unloving - because He is love.
So what is to fear? Well God sealed my understanding on this issue by directing me to the story of Ananias and Sapphira in Acts 5: 1-11.
You see Ananias and Sapphira thought they could pull one over on God and everybody else. They sold a field and thought they would look super generous by giving "all the money" to the church. Accept it wasn't all the money. They lied. The Bible is unclear about why they lied; but we can guess that personal accolade was a huge motive. "Won't we look so big and bad to all of our friends at the church."
And do you know what happened. They were both struck down dead.
Whoa... *deep breath*
Holy crap! God just struck people down dead! In the New Testament! Whoa!
Why?!
Well, hear is my take. God sees us. I mean it - there is no, No, NO b.s.-ing Him. He is also capable of revealing that true nature at any time.
This was true for Ananias and Sapphira... God saw them and what he saw was their true selves: spiritually corrupt and destitute - DEAD. Here they were trying to come off as super-spiritual, pillars of the Christian community and God saw what was going on in them. And, in this case, He exposed them both through knowledge (i.e., Peter saw and announced their deeds) and in their physical consequences (i.e., you are not alive but dead).
So... Fear God. Why? Because He sees you and He can (and eventually will) expose you. We ought to fear God because He is Truth and we - well - we are often liars.
Dearest Creator God,
You are Truth. This is a scary fact, when I have bought into deceit, when I have perpetrated deceit. You are Light. This is a scary fact, when I want to hide in the darkness. Push me forth. Compel me. I renounce my alliance with deception. Forgive me. I offer my heart to the Truth. Help me to lead a life of transparency and clarity, so that I have nothing to fear in You, Author of Life.
Amen.
Yes... I mean "You know I wish that I had Jesse's Girl" Rick Springfield. I am also perfectly aware that it is not 1985 or even 1993. Still, the man likes what the man likes. And as a supportive wife, I bear through 3-4 minutes of sound pollution (ok, I am exaggerating) to demonstrate my love.
One Rick Springfield song I found particularly offensive, was called Like Father, Like Son. And in the chorus was a line I found particularly unsettling "Fear of God and the feel of the rod will raise a good boy."
Yuck - bluck - spitting feeling in the mouth gross. I am picturing Tom Hanks wiping his tongue after he eats caviar in Big. "Nuh-uh!" I want to say, "Fear of God and the feel of the rod does not raise good children. It raises future therapy clients."
And that is how I have felt about fear of God in a nutshell for the vast majority of my life. Fear of God damages people, it interferes in their relationship with God. The phrase "fear God" in the Bible is better translated "stand in awe of God." Done. Settled.
Accept.... it's not.
Ironically, after I had my disgust reaction to Rick Springfield I found myself in a long conversation with my brother and nephew about the Church in America. About it's supposed political marriage with issues of intolerance, oppression and greed. About my rage, at the sheer hypocrisy of so many folks - that folks who publicly identify as my brothers and sisters refer to the poor as leeches or make racial or sexual slurs. Not to mention the endless supply of pastors who get caught cheating on their wives, using drugs or embezzling church funds.
I found myself saying things like - "You know... I am not talking about folks outside of the church. I am talking about people who claim to take the idea seriously that there is an Everlasting, Eternal, Holy, Righteous, Omniscient and Omnipotent God. How can you spit in His face?!? How can you so egregiously disregard His Word?!?" Which at the end is really... They ought to fear God.
We ought to fear God.
Not just in the "WOW isn't He big, like the ocean" kinda way. If we confess to be Christian, we ought to fear Him.
Now here's the problem - people fear God for all kinds of wrong reasons. For example, We ought not to fear him because He is mean - because He is kindness. We ought not to fear Him because He is punitive - because He is merciful. We ought not to fear Him because He is unloving - because He is love.
So what is to fear? Well God sealed my understanding on this issue by directing me to the story of Ananias and Sapphira in Acts 5: 1-11.
You see Ananias and Sapphira thought they could pull one over on God and everybody else. They sold a field and thought they would look super generous by giving "all the money" to the church. Accept it wasn't all the money. They lied. The Bible is unclear about why they lied; but we can guess that personal accolade was a huge motive. "Won't we look so big and bad to all of our friends at the church."
And do you know what happened. They were both struck down dead.
Whoa... *deep breath*
Holy crap! God just struck people down dead! In the New Testament! Whoa!
Why?!
Well, hear is my take. God sees us. I mean it - there is no, No, NO b.s.-ing Him. He is also capable of revealing that true nature at any time.
This was true for Ananias and Sapphira... God saw them and what he saw was their true selves: spiritually corrupt and destitute - DEAD. Here they were trying to come off as super-spiritual, pillars of the Christian community and God saw what was going on in them. And, in this case, He exposed them both through knowledge (i.e., Peter saw and announced their deeds) and in their physical consequences (i.e., you are not alive but dead).
So... Fear God. Why? Because He sees you and He can (and eventually will) expose you. We ought to fear God because He is Truth and we - well - we are often liars.
Dearest Creator God,
You are Truth. This is a scary fact, when I have bought into deceit, when I have perpetrated deceit. You are Light. This is a scary fact, when I want to hide in the darkness. Push me forth. Compel me. I renounce my alliance with deception. Forgive me. I offer my heart to the Truth. Help me to lead a life of transparency and clarity, so that I have nothing to fear in You, Author of Life.
Amen.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Breathing
God has been talking to me lately. It's nice, because for awhile I felt like I was deaf again. Or more accurately, I felt like I was on hold...paused, halted, stopped.
In psychology we talk about our response to danger as "fight, flight or freeze" - me... I was frozen. As if all of the crap going on in my world might just stop happening if I stop moving, breathing, thinking, speaking.
I prayed this prayer a week ago in church:
Dearest Father,
I feel like I have been holding my breath for years now. Only you know if that is real or a just a figment of my perception, but it certainly feels real to me... [I feel] bound up and anxious. ... I am tired, Lord. Holding my breath is exhausting. I think I have been holding my breath with You. It's like I am afraid to breath.
Please give me breath, Paula
That afternoon, while I changed out laundry, I suddenly sighed a breath of relief. My Jackie was outside happily dissertating under a tree in the shade. My Sydney singing gleefully in a cool bath. My David lounging, reading the new Ted Dekker book Forbidden. My Dad sounding lighter and less bound up then he has in years. My Seth appreciated by his employer, taking a full weekend off and My Duarte smitten and risking in romance.
[Breath in] Oh thank you Jesus,
[Breath out] they are all ok.
[Breath in] They are all going to be...
[Breath out] ok.
I was holding my breath for them. I was holding my breath for me.
You see, I can see now how much my own well-being is intimately and intricately tied to my love for other people. How my heart lurches up and down with their moods, their worries, their pains. And though to some degree this is defining for me (i.e., God made me this way and I like it), it is also unhealthy when I let it rule my life instead of God (i.e., letting whether or not you breath rest on the whims of other people's emotions or decisions is unwise and frankly a roller-coaster).
So what I think now, is if I would like to breath regularly (as opposed to once every few months), I am going to have to submit myself more to God's authority and rule in my life. No more "Things will only be ok if [insert important persons name here] is ok." Because the truth is, every important person in my life is not likely to always be ok.
And honestly, I am not sure that God has any desire for me and anyone I love to be "ok." He wants us to be victors, warriors, lights in a dark world. He wants us to be healed and whole, vessels of His power and glory. And that is going to involve more than a little "not ok." It's going to involve suffering and trials and drama.So if I am going to breath, it's going to have to be in faith an trust to a constant, loving, miraculous God.
[Breath in] "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord
[Breath out] "plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
[Breath in] plans to give you hope and a future."
In psychology we talk about our response to danger as "fight, flight or freeze" - me... I was frozen. As if all of the crap going on in my world might just stop happening if I stop moving, breathing, thinking, speaking.
I prayed this prayer a week ago in church:
Dearest Father,
I feel like I have been holding my breath for years now. Only you know if that is real or a just a figment of my perception, but it certainly feels real to me... [I feel] bound up and anxious. ... I am tired, Lord. Holding my breath is exhausting. I think I have been holding my breath with You. It's like I am afraid to breath.
Please give me breath, Paula
That afternoon, while I changed out laundry, I suddenly sighed a breath of relief. My Jackie was outside happily dissertating under a tree in the shade. My Sydney singing gleefully in a cool bath. My David lounging, reading the new Ted Dekker book Forbidden. My Dad sounding lighter and less bound up then he has in years. My Seth appreciated by his employer, taking a full weekend off and My Duarte smitten and risking in romance.
[Breath in] Oh thank you Jesus,
[Breath out] they are all ok.
[Breath in] They are all going to be...
[Breath out] ok.
I was holding my breath for them. I was holding my breath for me.
You see, I can see now how much my own well-being is intimately and intricately tied to my love for other people. How my heart lurches up and down with their moods, their worries, their pains. And though to some degree this is defining for me (i.e., God made me this way and I like it), it is also unhealthy when I let it rule my life instead of God (i.e., letting whether or not you breath rest on the whims of other people's emotions or decisions is unwise and frankly a roller-coaster).
So what I think now, is if I would like to breath regularly (as opposed to once every few months), I am going to have to submit myself more to God's authority and rule in my life. No more "Things will only be ok if [insert important persons name here] is ok." Because the truth is, every important person in my life is not likely to always be ok.
And honestly, I am not sure that God has any desire for me and anyone I love to be "ok." He wants us to be victors, warriors, lights in a dark world. He wants us to be healed and whole, vessels of His power and glory. And that is going to involve more than a little "not ok." It's going to involve suffering and trials and drama.So if I am going to breath, it's going to have to be in faith an trust to a constant, loving, miraculous God.
[Breath in] "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord
[Breath out] "plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
[Breath in] plans to give you hope and a future."
Friday, January 13, 2012
What God Calls Me
If you've talked to me much about my faith, you probably already know that there are a few topics that immediately excite me. They speak to something very deep and old within me. When I am open my mouth to speak of them, immediately a tear jumps to my eyes and my heart fills with passion.
One of these topics is redemption. The idea that no matter who or where you are, or how deep a pit of sin and filth you have made for yourself there is always, Always, ALWAYS hope. God is always interested and capable of restoring you. That there really is grace enough for the whole human race. But today's post is not about redemption - well I guess it is in some sense, I mean every story that involves broken people and God is going to involve some aspect of redemption. But it narrowly focuses on one aspect of God's redemptive work - the assignment of a new name.
You see there is a theme through out scripture of God re-naming people. For example, God re-names Abram to Abraham, Sarai to Sarah, Jacob to Isreal, Simon to Peter, Saul to Paul. These changes are not simply superficial they reflect something deeper - Abram (a fatherless old man married to a barren widow) renamed Abraham (the father of many nations), Jacob (a liar, thief and coward, with a name that means supplanter) renamed Isreal (God wrestler - nothing cowardly about it!).
And what is so profoundly moving about this theme to me, is that in most cases God calls us by our new name PRIOR to our change. He calls Abram, Abraham long before nations are born from his line. He calls Gideon "mighty man of valor" while he is still the scrawny runt of his family. He calls Simon, Peter (or Rock) while he is still an emotional, impulsive and unstable man.
Why? Why does He do this?
He does this, because He knows who we really are. He is not thrown off by our sins, hurts or mistakes. He is not confused about where we have been or what we were made for. He knows. HE KNOWS! And He speaks our name so that we will know. Because we don't know who we really are. We are totally thrown off by our sins, hurts and mistakes. We are confused about where we have been and what we are made for.
Revelation 2:17 says this:
He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with new name written on it, known only to him who receives it. "
This passage is speaking to us. God will give us a new name, a name that reflects who you really are. A name that tells you who you really are. It is not based on where you have been. It is not based on how you have failed. It is not based on a realistic assessment of where you are now. My name (your name) is who I was born to be and who, with God's grace, I will be again.
So the question is... do you know your name?
I believe I know what my name is. And I cannot wait, to hear him call it.
One of these topics is redemption. The idea that no matter who or where you are, or how deep a pit of sin and filth you have made for yourself there is always, Always, ALWAYS hope. God is always interested and capable of restoring you. That there really is grace enough for the whole human race. But today's post is not about redemption - well I guess it is in some sense, I mean every story that involves broken people and God is going to involve some aspect of redemption. But it narrowly focuses on one aspect of God's redemptive work - the assignment of a new name.
You see there is a theme through out scripture of God re-naming people. For example, God re-names Abram to Abraham, Sarai to Sarah, Jacob to Isreal, Simon to Peter, Saul to Paul. These changes are not simply superficial they reflect something deeper - Abram (a fatherless old man married to a barren widow) renamed Abraham (the father of many nations), Jacob (a liar, thief and coward, with a name that means supplanter) renamed Isreal (God wrestler - nothing cowardly about it!).
And what is so profoundly moving about this theme to me, is that in most cases God calls us by our new name PRIOR to our change. He calls Abram, Abraham long before nations are born from his line. He calls Gideon "mighty man of valor" while he is still the scrawny runt of his family. He calls Simon, Peter (or Rock) while he is still an emotional, impulsive and unstable man.
Why? Why does He do this?
He does this, because He knows who we really are. He is not thrown off by our sins, hurts or mistakes. He is not confused about where we have been or what we were made for. He knows. HE KNOWS! And He speaks our name so that we will know. Because we don't know who we really are. We are totally thrown off by our sins, hurts and mistakes. We are confused about where we have been and what we are made for.
Revelation 2:17 says this:
He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with new name written on it, known only to him who receives it. "
This passage is speaking to us. God will give us a new name, a name that reflects who you really are. A name that tells you who you really are. It is not based on where you have been. It is not based on how you have failed. It is not based on a realistic assessment of where you are now. My name (your name) is who I was born to be and who, with God's grace, I will be again.
So the question is... do you know your name?
I believe I know what my name is. And I cannot wait, to hear him call it.
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