Hello Beloved Ones,
I've been captivated recently by the impact of small actions. In my profession I talk to people a lot about the injuries that they carry around for a life time. Some of these injuries are big and bad - I mean they wouldn't go by without someone noticing. Like a lady who revealed in therapy recently that her mother tried to kill her when she was nine. Or another therapy client of mine whose mother repeatedly told her that she had "ruined her life." That sorta stuff you wouldn't miss.
But you wouldn't believe how much of our pain as people is subtle and honestly how much more insidious that kinda damage is. For example, I had a client who's mother and father were basically good people but they got it in their minds when she was about 15, that she was a "trouble maker". Now don't get me wrong, it's not like she didn't do anything to deserve the label (i.e., a little partying and lying, you know the teenage drill). However, that label has blinded her parents for the last 9 years. They've ignored her, discounted her desires, shamed her. This, maybe even accurate, label has created a wedge so deep that this girl was raped and the last people on earth she would tell are her parents. Why? Because she assumes (maybe rightly, I don't know) that they would blame her. That some how it would all boil down to her poor decision making.
Or another woman I know who struggles with body image. Family seems generally compassionate and solid. But do you know what the women do during family get togethers? They sit around and gossip about whose gained weight or lost weight. Or "You know John, he's having another affair. Everyone knows. But can you blame him, his wife barely tries to look good. I mean does she even shave..." And this gossip, not even about this woman, has wedged its way so deep in her psyche that she primps and weighs and worries, she just wants to feel valuable in a way that wont change if her beauty fades or she gains 50 lbs.
Its so ugly. And its when I see the damage done to these people that I start to get why sin (any sin at all) is such a big deal. You know. Cause sometimes I wonder, 'yo God? Is that time I lied such a big deal? Why? It saved that person's feelings or it saved me from unnecessary anxiety.' Or 'How on Earth, could God feel such anger at people? I mean do we really deserve "wrath"? That sounds so harsh.'
But what I am realizing more and more is that our sin, all of the ways we betray God and betray each other, always has a negative impact and its a whole lot bigger than we want to imagine it is. The very ugly truth is that we have all said and done something at some point (probably large amounts of somethings) that has damaged someone significantly, we've all bitten the apple.
I think I know when I bit the apple. I am sure I made some mistakes before this moment, but if in heaven we all get to watch our own personal "falls" I am pretty sure this is mine. It seems so small, you know normal preteen stuff but I know it was big. I knew it was big even then. I was 11 or 12. There was the boy named Kent in my class. Cute, smart, funny but not one of the 7th grade in-crowd. Not popular at all. One day, Kent sent me a note that asked me if I would be his girlfriend with the little check boxes (check yes or no). I didn't check either. Instead, because of my own wretched insecurity, I mocked him. I FREAKIN MOCKED HIM. I showed everyone that stupid note and talked about how disgusted I was at his asking.
And you know what's weird, I remember when I got that note and I was holding it in my hand. Before anyone knew and Kent was sitting there, probably so nervous and excited, I felt the choice. I knew what I should do and I chose not to. I fell, I definitely fell.
Kent was devastated of course. I socially murdered him. His older sister hated me for years, I sincerely think she contemplated beating the tar out of me. I remember we got caught in the hall behind the sanctuary together one day and she said "I know what you did." I wanted to crawl under the pew and vomit. She knew what I had done. She saw me.
As for Kent, I am sure if you asked him now he at least remembers it. My sincere prayer is that the damage was temporary, but my knowledge of people tells me that it may not have been. I may be the reason some grown man can't initiate a relationship without feeling like he is going to be disemboweled.
I don't think I ever made eye contact with him again. And we were in class together for almost two more years. I wonder what he made of that. I knew I was wrong, I knew I should apologize, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I am still so sorry about it. I wonder if he could've ever believed me. Or if my apology would have a prayer of healing the damage?
I gotta tell you folks, I think this is what Christianity is all about answering. Is there hope? Because 100% of us have both delivered and received wounds just like this. And with all of us wondering around wounded and wounding, who can save us? Is there any remedy? Is there healing?
And so when I say Jesus is my Savior, or Jesus is the Savior of the World, I am saying that something about His person and His story is the answer, the healing, the remedy. That there is hope for Kent because of Jesus. That there is hope for me and my clients and you. He offers the hope that we can all be healed.
