She's totally got my number

So now that I am almost through dissertating (my defense is scheduled for next Wednesday - Hallelujah!), I am taking Mondays and Fridays off from work to stay home with my munchkin. We've had a great time together.

Today we got up and watched "LarryBoy and the Bad Apple." For those of you who don't follow Christian Cartoons, LarryBoy is a superhero who takes on the common sins of childhood (i.e., lying, spreading rumors, etc.) In "LarryBoy and the Bad Apple," Larry confronts temptation - or more specifically a Bad Apple who goes around tempting people into over-indulgence in vanity, video games, t.v. and chocolate.

Later this afternoon, while we were driving to go swimming at my folks house, Syd and I were processing the show. We reviewed which characters were tempted by which things (e.g., LarryBoy was tempted by chocolate, his butler, Alfred, by t.v.). Then, I asked her a probing question, "So Syd, what do you think the Bad Apple would use to tempt you?"

"Oh all of dose tings," she replied in her cute 4 year-old accent.

"What do you think she would use to tempt Mommy?" I asked, thinking this is a good opportunity to point out that Mommies and Daddies struggle with temptations too.

At first Syd responded, "I don't know," as I thought she would. I was just about to tell her what I thought I would be tempted by when she confidently announced, "Work... definitely work." And she was right! She was totally, totally right.

Our kids get us folks - at 4 years and 6 months my daughter totally has my number. I am so lucky to have her.

Creator God,

I don't know how you saw fit to place such an amazing, fearless, brilliant young girl in my care. I don't deserve her. Please make me trustworthy with her beautiful spirit. I promise, with Your help, to teach her what she needs to know. I also promise to listen to what she has to teach me. I love you, Lord.

Amen.

The Shame Game

OK - for this one I need to start with prayer:

Father God,

I feel like I have something very important to say, something I want others to hear. But I also know that the temptation to be prideful in this area is incredibly strong for me. There is no way I am going to get through this post without being a complete hypocrite, without direct intervention on Your part. Please give me the words to express an area that feels so vital to me while simultaneously keeping me humble. Dissolve my condemnation and judgment; provide Your illumination and discernment.

It is in the Mighty and Merciful name of Your Son, Jesus Christ, I pray.

Amen.

I recently experienced the full force of shame. I haven't felt that way in a very, very long time. I want to relay the story, but I also want to stay out of gossip. So suffice it to say, that someone I love very, very deeply was disappointed in me and I knew it. I let them down and was crippled with fear, doubt, and anxiety. I couldn't sleep. I felt like crying and throwing up all at the same time. I wanted to reach out to this person, to make amends, but it was in the middle of the night and I was going to have to wait. So I waited, restless, sad, tired and woefully ashamed. It was one of the longest nights of my life.

I am writing this because it brought - right into the center of my vision - the full force of the emotion of shame. It is an incredibly powerful motivator. I would have made the night day to have appeased this person. I would have become their slave to escape it. It was a terrible, empty void full of fear and regret. Something that awful will get you moving.

Thus, I understand why the world uses it so often to motivate people. "Paula, I can't believe you would treat your mother that way... you should be ashamed of yourself." "Paula! Are you smoking a cigarette! You should know better!""Did you see Paula eating that chocolate chip cookie, she's already gained 5lbs [implicit - she should be ashamed of herself]." It gets otherwise stuck people, acting in a way that is more appealing to us on the outside and possibly even healthier for them.

I do wish to say, however, that the Gospel is anti-shame. In fact, (I am not a Bible Scholar so please feel free to correct me if I am wrong) I am pretty sure shame is the enemy's game. It is and remains his great 'victory' (I use that term loosely, as any of his victories are hallow and short lived). He introduced us to the feeling when Eve took a bite of that apple in the garden. Shame covered her - so much that she covered herself to hide it.

We do the same crud now. Now instead of leaves, we use make-up or accomplishments or Lexuses to cover ourselves. We use masks and degrees and uniforms to cover it up. We stick drugs in our mouths, silicon in our bodies and botox in our faces to shut it up. But leaves, masks, or drugs cant make it go away.

Shame... yuck, yuck yuck.

I am also pretty sure that Jesus was about ending all of that. That part of the reason Christ Crucified is so meaningful is because we are reminded that: (1) God knows us - He gets it, ain't no hiding, He knows it all; and (2) He loves us anyway - He is not ashamed of us, He is not going to reject or abandon us, He loves us even in our messed-upness. Jesus was crucified (at least in part) to heal our shame by demonstrating His unending, unfailing love.

But what do we do now! Without shame, what will motivate us to end bad behaviors??? God suggests a new motivator - LOVE. And love, is the very opposite of shame. Shame motivates us to "Stick Something In Here!" to fill up a void, end a pain. Love, on the other hand, flows out because the hole is filled by our Lord and healed by His Grace.

I wish I could say I was writing this post to remind myself (and you too) of the Shame Game played by the world. That all our implicit "you should be ashamed of yourself stuff" came from secular movies and radio shows. But I've gotta say, I run into the Shame Game just as often (if not more often) in religious (yes Christian) circles all the time. For example, "Do you realize what you are saying about God if you can't find time to read the Bible everyday? [you should be ashamed of yourself]."

And I realize, I run the risk of actually shaming folks about shaming (the hypocrisy piece I was worried about earlier) so let me remove a plank quickly. I shame people all the time. Heck, I think I was shaming my husband for not putting my daughter to bed the way he said he would 5 minutes before I started writing this post.

But I am praying that I will recognize that this temptation to shame - is a quick and effective motivator for all of the wrong reasons. And I am not playing on Christ's team so long as I am using it.

We have to buy in folks. We have to buy in that shame (though it works in the short run) destroys in the long run. And though Love may be risky it is the only way.

God of Motives, God of Covenants

I was driving in my car a couple of days ago thinking about a disagreement I have with a handful of Christian friends with regard to our interpretation of the Gospel message. Specifically, a few of my friends (and I am pretty sure a large portion of Christian's generally) believe that a person can be "saved" out of a place of fear. Thus, if you scare people into believing in hell and that they are going there, you can convince them to say the sinner's prayer (out of fear) and then they will be "saved". Hallelujah. Amen.

I've always had trouble with this kind of reasoning. Mostly because it is typically accompanied by a contract version of Christianity. Specifically, God is really all about contracts and whether or not you've signed the right one before death. In my mind, this takes God from a merciful and loving Creator and makes Him into a fine print reader, basing decisions off of meaningless and arbitrary lines in the sand.

So I was thinking about this argument - as I often do. In my head I was making this very articulate point about the fact the most repeated command in the Bible is 'Do not be afraid." And of course God was eavesdropping (as He always is) and decides to chime in.

First, He quietly whispers: You are right, Paula, I am a God of motives. This initially increases my steam. "Yes! Yes!" I think to myself, "How many times does Jesus confront the Pharisees about their cup being clean on the outside but dark and dirty on the inside! Of course! God of motives!"

Then He says (a little louder): But I am also a God of covenants. This stops me. "A God of covenants? What does that even mean, 'God of covenants'?" Then God - knowing what I am thinking - reminds me of the story of Jacob and Esau. He points out how Jacob stole the paternal blessing from Esau (bad, bad motive) but that He honored it anyway (keeping His covenant). He then shows me the Israelites bowing down to that gold-cow (bad, bad motives) but that He stayed with them and showed them the promise land (honoring His covenant.)

I've been processing this exchange for a couple of days. Frequently thinking about it and what God was trying to tell me. I'm not sure I've got it all nailed down, but essentially I think he was pointing out a dynamic tension that exists between two aspects of His character: (1) That he cares more for motives and the condition of the heart, than for behavior and (2) He keeps promises even to people with bad motives.

It occurred to me that different Christians emphasize different aspects of this character. For example, I have historically landed squarely on the side of God of Motives (duh) but some (many) of my brothers and sisters land squarely land on the side of God of Covenants. I've also been thinking that our tendency to choose sides, rather than acknowledging the True tension that exists, acknowledging that God is bigger than we can understand fully at any side, dramatically limits our understanding of God (and causes us to in-fight rather than learn from one another). Anyway... just something I am thinking about

BTW.... just for good measure. I found out that my Bible Study (the one I'm supposed to help lead in the Fall) is Kay Arthur's "Covenant". Don't you love God - such a good sense of humor.

The Face of Love

I was moved to tears yesterday while I was driving home (well, actually to a BBQ at my Uncle's house - but that's not really relevant).

I was listening to radio and the song "The Face of Love" by Sanctus Real (check it out: here) came on. I've heard the song probably a thousand times (and sang along most of those times if you know me!). But I don't know that I've ever really listened closely to the lyrics until yesterday.

It articulates so perfectly a process that is happening to my heart and has been for the past few years. I am becoming increasingly enamored of Jesus Christ. It began as a fascination, "Wow! You know this guy had some pretty cool things to say. But man was he weird! What's the deal with spitting in mud to heal some one's eyes?"

And evolved into a deep respect, one that propelled me to dedicate my life to his purposes. "OK. This guy had some things very, very right about this world. He seemed to have his finger on the heartbeat of our brokenness and to be suggesting things that might actually heal it."

Next to awe. "There is no way this guy was just a great teacher. He never made a mistake. He never said one thing I can criticize or see through. He never once acted like a hypocrite. He was love 100% of the time. He is the Messiah, the Son of God."

Then to shear joy. This was the phase (for those of you closest to me) when I started saying things like - "Jesus is a radical!" And what I meant to express was my full joy and connection with his person. I would often think to myself "His teachings are full of challenge. There is no BS in Him. There is no placating in Him. He is ALL challenge and ALL LOVE. I've never seen anything like Him. I am blown away by Him."

Yet all of these things, were based on Scripture readings. Drawing near Him through the Bible and considering Him as He was then.

But yesterday, in the car, I realized something new. The growing love I have for Him is starting to loosen from stories about what He said or how He helped other people. Or even His vision and love for the World. It is starting to become about something much, much more personal.

There is a line in the song: "I may not know the shape of Your face, but I can feel Your heart changing mine. And Your loves still proves that Your alive." And when I heard that lyric I just felt every hair on my body stand up and tears sprang to my eyes: Jesus is here, He loves me and His love is changing me. And (here was the kicker) that proves something! If His love can change me nearly 2000 years after these stories were written, then He is alive. And not just in concept, in MY LIFE.

For a doubting Thomas like myself - this is HUGE. Something intangible is proof to me. And proof that is deeper and more substantial. I am changing.

The song ends with a prayer that I think is appropriate here.

Dearest Jesus,

You are the face that changed the whole world. No one too lost for You to love, no one to low for You to serve. So give us the grace to change the world. No one too lost for me to love, no one to low for me to serve. Oh let us see, let us be Your face.

I love you, Jesus. Amen.

Jackie's Wedding (Part II)

Now for a confession.

Jackie had been pretty bothered in the weeks preceding her wedding by the idea that it might rain on her wedding day. She predicted that it would and that she would be really upset about it. I kept telling her to quit prophesying gloom and doom but she was adamant.

So now, with overcast skies, I knew for sure what God's miracle was going to be. In fact, I had it perfectly scripted in my mind: It was going to drizzle all morning and then, just at the perfect moment, the clouds would part and Jackie and Seth would have their beautiful beach wedding. Yay God!

However, as the day drew on the skies grew darker and darker. And the rain, which began as a light drizzle, became heavier and heavier. I remember the first big droplets starting to fall as the bridesmaids posed for our first series of outside pictures. And in my head, I said to God "You better know what you are doing."

As the rain fell harder, the bridesmaids moved inside and the dark, gloomy atmosphere came in with us. A typically lively bunch of girls were quiet and melancholy. I was using my stern, mother voice with God, "What's wrong with You? You couldn't do this one thing for Jackie? You take both of her parents before her wedding day and you can't give her this one moment!"

And as the rain continued to fall, a deep sadness began to fill my spirit. I started to doubt, "Oh no, God is definitely not going to come through. It's going to pour and Jackie's going to have to get married in that stupid tent. What does this mean about you Lord?"

It was about this time that the bridesmaids were posing for pictures in a long hallway with windows looking outside. And with the bridesmaids busy in pictures, the set of three little flower girls lined up at the window and started singing "Rain, rain go away, come again another day." And slowly, like the beginning of wave in the ocean, each of the bridesmaids began to join in. And the mood began to shift. Looks were exchanged, hands squeezed. Something was happening, solidarity was forming. First it whispered "we will not accept this." And then it grew, louder and louder "We will Not accept This." And then it was shouting "WE WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS."

I remember the first bridesmaids to name it was this incredibly vivacious and fearless woman named Heather. "F$%& it!" she said, "Jackie, you love the rain. If you want to get married on that beach, I don't care if we have to stand in Lake Michigan's first tsunami, you're getting married on that beach!" And sea of "Yes"s erupted from the bridesmaids.

Then it hung there for a minute, like a question "Will she take it?"

And Jackie paused and said "You would do that for me? You're sure?"

And that was the end of it, we were one! All of us united. "We are getting married on that beach!"

Everything after that happened quickly. We were like a force of nature. Things just started happening. Some how one of the guests heard about the plan and went to buy out all of the umbrellas from Wallmart. The wedding planner made arrangements to play the music from protection of the tent. Suddenly, we were standing in a long hallway (hiding Jackie behind a wall) as a trail of guests made their way to their seats. It was on! We were doing this.

And before we knew it, we walking in a light drizzle down the long grass and then beach isle to the Camp-Anderson wedding site. Honestly it was beautiful, there was a sea of multicolored umbrellas and the lake was covered with a beautiful mist. And the realness and joy of the moment kept growing and growing, building and building. And the rain kept falling, harder and harder.

I remember arriving at my position at the front of the crowd and feeling the drops of rain get weightier, but this time instead of doubt I was filled with joy. Here I am, in a $300 dress, wet sand all over my feet, purchased make-up possibly running all over my face, staring to heaven as rain begins to pour down feeling elated!

And here comes Jackie, looking vibrant and beautiful, and the rain is pouring and she is laughing and smiling.

And we reach the point in the ceremony where the officiant asks "Who gives this woman away in marriage?" And the storm is loud and the drops are heavy. And she adds, "Let's all turn our eyes heavenward to hear her father answer 'Her mother and I do.'" And the storm reaches it's zenith. And for a few seconds hail falls from the sky; hitting the top of the chuppah and making what sounds to me like applause. And we all stand there, all of us (even the atheists in the crowd) knowing that something miraculous is occurring.



And then, it all stops, no more hail clapping, no more rain, no more drizzle. Silence.

And that silence screamed "You see now. I am in all of this. I am in the rain, the hail, the silence, the love, the wedding. I am."

And my heart lept for joy. For not only were two of the most amazing people I've ever known marrying one another. But my God, OUR God was faithful. So perfectly faithful.

Hallelujah and Amen.

More Like Falling In Love

This song and its story are really calling to me today.

There's a link to the right for the radio version (What I'm listening to), but here's Mr. Gray explaining and performing his song at home.

My favorite lines are "All religion ever made of me was a sinner with a stone tied to my feet. It never set me free," and "It's gotta be more like loosing my heart, than giving my allegiance. Caught up, called out. Come take a look at me now."

Brilliance, really.

BTW Part II of Jackie's Wedding will be out tonight. Just working on the dissertation like a fiend today.

Jackie's Wedding (Part I)

My best friends, Jackie and Seth (see meet the CampAndersons), got married this weekend. It was a beautiful ceremony (will post pictures as soon as they are available) on a Glorious Day.

It started with an 8:30 am call from the bride to meet for coffee at the cafe in the hotel lobby where we were staying. We (Jackie, our friend Sarah, the mother mother of the groom, Pat, the wedding planner, Stefanie, and me) sat and talked about the day ahead and the rehearsal dinner the night before. Then Jackie mentioned having a "nervous knot in her stomach." I knew, from earlier conversations that this was code for "I'm really sad and missing my Mom and Dad."

For those of you who don't know this already, Jackie lost her mother about 3 years ago to a freak infection and her father died a month ago from pneumonia subsequent to a two year battle with lung cancer.

So anyway, earlier that morning I heard God tell me to take Jackie for a walk on the beach to talk to her parents. I knew then, that now was the time to act. So I announced to the table that I would like to take Jackie on a walk for 30 minutes and then the wedding chaos could commence. Then, we left for a walk.

Let me tell you, the first part of that conversation felt very forced. Like I was trying to rewrite the script from a hallmark movie to fit the day. Everything felt stilted and inauthentic. There were moments where I thought to myself, "You sound like an idiot and should stop talking." But I knew I was getting at something real for Jackie, because she began to weep and talk about how hard it was to experience the day without her folks. And I took some comfort in the idea that Jackie was at least letting out emotions she was bottling up inside.

I could've been satisfied with that. I was satisfied with that. But another, small and gentle voice spoke to my soul. It asked me to challenge some of the things Jackie was saying. To challenge her to acknowledge her unspoken faith. To challenge her to risk asking something of God.

Ok - "Woa, Woa, Woa." I say to the voice. "This is a huge challenge. This is her wedding day, she's nervous enough as it is and you want me to ask her to put that all on the line - to take down her shield and admit that she needs you to do something here. What if you don't do anything? What if you don't show up? She'll loose not just her faith but her wedding day will be remembered as the day you failed her."

Miraculously, this is not what came out of my mouth. What came out of my mouth was the this gentle and certain challenge. "Jackie, ask what you want. Take down your sheild. You can't do this on your own. Here I'll pray with you."

Who is this! I am thinking to myself. But I go on, and Jackie comes with me, and we pray.

We prayed together for an obvious, undeniable sign from God that Jackie was not alone today. That she she could confidently take down her sheild and let God in. We prayed that she could actually experience joy on her wedding day in the midst of her grief.

I think we walked off that beach both feeling a a little anxious, a little doubtful and a little hopeful.