The Shame Game

OK - for this one I need to start with prayer:

Father God,

I feel like I have something very important to say, something I want others to hear. But I also know that the temptation to be prideful in this area is incredibly strong for me. There is no way I am going to get through this post without being a complete hypocrite, without direct intervention on Your part. Please give me the words to express an area that feels so vital to me while simultaneously keeping me humble. Dissolve my condemnation and judgment; provide Your illumination and discernment.

It is in the Mighty and Merciful name of Your Son, Jesus Christ, I pray.

Amen.

I recently experienced the full force of shame. I haven't felt that way in a very, very long time. I want to relay the story, but I also want to stay out of gossip. So suffice it to say, that someone I love very, very deeply was disappointed in me and I knew it. I let them down and was crippled with fear, doubt, and anxiety. I couldn't sleep. I felt like crying and throwing up all at the same time. I wanted to reach out to this person, to make amends, but it was in the middle of the night and I was going to have to wait. So I waited, restless, sad, tired and woefully ashamed. It was one of the longest nights of my life.

I am writing this because it brought - right into the center of my vision - the full force of the emotion of shame. It is an incredibly powerful motivator. I would have made the night day to have appeased this person. I would have become their slave to escape it. It was a terrible, empty void full of fear and regret. Something that awful will get you moving.

Thus, I understand why the world uses it so often to motivate people. "Paula, I can't believe you would treat your mother that way... you should be ashamed of yourself." "Paula! Are you smoking a cigarette! You should know better!""Did you see Paula eating that chocolate chip cookie, she's already gained 5lbs [implicit - she should be ashamed of herself]." It gets otherwise stuck people, acting in a way that is more appealing to us on the outside and possibly even healthier for them.

I do wish to say, however, that the Gospel is anti-shame. In fact, (I am not a Bible Scholar so please feel free to correct me if I am wrong) I am pretty sure shame is the enemy's game. It is and remains his great 'victory' (I use that term loosely, as any of his victories are hallow and short lived). He introduced us to the feeling when Eve took a bite of that apple in the garden. Shame covered her - so much that she covered herself to hide it.

We do the same crud now. Now instead of leaves, we use make-up or accomplishments or Lexuses to cover ourselves. We use masks and degrees and uniforms to cover it up. We stick drugs in our mouths, silicon in our bodies and botox in our faces to shut it up. But leaves, masks, or drugs cant make it go away.

Shame... yuck, yuck yuck.

I am also pretty sure that Jesus was about ending all of that. That part of the reason Christ Crucified is so meaningful is because we are reminded that: (1) God knows us - He gets it, ain't no hiding, He knows it all; and (2) He loves us anyway - He is not ashamed of us, He is not going to reject or abandon us, He loves us even in our messed-upness. Jesus was crucified (at least in part) to heal our shame by demonstrating His unending, unfailing love.

But what do we do now! Without shame, what will motivate us to end bad behaviors??? God suggests a new motivator - LOVE. And love, is the very opposite of shame. Shame motivates us to "Stick Something In Here!" to fill up a void, end a pain. Love, on the other hand, flows out because the hole is filled by our Lord and healed by His Grace.

I wish I could say I was writing this post to remind myself (and you too) of the Shame Game played by the world. That all our implicit "you should be ashamed of yourself stuff" came from secular movies and radio shows. But I've gotta say, I run into the Shame Game just as often (if not more often) in religious (yes Christian) circles all the time. For example, "Do you realize what you are saying about God if you can't find time to read the Bible everyday? [you should be ashamed of yourself]."

And I realize, I run the risk of actually shaming folks about shaming (the hypocrisy piece I was worried about earlier) so let me remove a plank quickly. I shame people all the time. Heck, I think I was shaming my husband for not putting my daughter to bed the way he said he would 5 minutes before I started writing this post.

But I am praying that I will recognize that this temptation to shame - is a quick and effective motivator for all of the wrong reasons. And I am not playing on Christ's team so long as I am using it.

We have to buy in folks. We have to buy in that shame (though it works in the short run) destroys in the long run. And though Love may be risky it is the only way.