Vulnerability

Hey Family,

I am writing here - when I should actually be working - but I just had this thought that I must share.

This weekend at church, as with most services over the past few months, I was standing next to one of my very close friends Caitlin. For those of you who don't know Cait, she is this beautiful, petite, sweet force of nature. Let's just say she is certainly capable of juggling far more balls than I am on her worst day, all while managing to look impeccably well put together and carrying a tray of homemade brownies. (Ok - perhaps the brownies are an exaggeration but you catch my drift). She also happens to be married to an Air force man, Lane,  whose been deployed for the last few weeks.

So anyway, I am standing next to her in church and it was an incredibly moving service. And whenever it's a moving service I: (1) put my head on David's shoulder and (2) avoid eye contact with everyone I know.

Why? you might ask - well that is what I got on here to write about. The answer to that "Why?" lies in vulnerability. During those church services that really cut to the heart of the matter, or move me in some way, I feel vulnerable! Exposed! Yikes - someone might notice that I have tears standing in my eyes and ask me about it! Or worse yet, try to comfort me.Yuck, I want to be (or at least look) "strong like bull" - not blubbery and broken and VULNERABLE.

So back to church and Cait. So recently at services, I've had this stray thought that it must really suck for Cait to have to sit next to David and I (all hand holdy and such) during the moving parts. How it must remind her that Lane is gone. And during this Sunday's service, this thought occurred to me along with the simultaneous thought that I should reach out and put my arm around her or hold her hand. This immediately resulted in internal warfare.

"No way! She'll be creeped out."

"Seriously Paula, do you think I would ask you to do something to freak her out?"

"No."

"No? No? Seriously Paula. You want to say no to this."

"No, I want to say yes.... but I can't. I just can't."

It went on this way for a good 3 minutes at least, before I broke down and did it. And it was fine. Nice, tender.

And for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what the heck I had been dragging my heals so mercilessly about.

Until today.

I was on the Living Proof blog watching a recap of a recent weekend gathering. Jackie and I are planning on possibly going to a similar event in Ohio this August. Well I realized, as I was watching the video that at the end of these series, Beth Moore always makes folks turn and look someone in the eye and say all sorts of affirming things to them. And worse yet - they say it back to you! She calls it "the commissioning." And I thought to myself, Jiminy Crickets!Me and Jackie, standing across from one another, looking into each others eyes, saying nice things directly - no card mediator, no sarcasm to protect. AH! VULNERABILITY!

I actually started thinking about not going. To keep from being vulnerable with my very best friend.

What is the deal? Why are we (or maybe it's just me) so freakin terrified of vulnerability? And why this kind of vulnerability? Do you get wigged out when you have to be directly loving??

I'm gonna chew on that for awhile.