Learning to Trust

I have a confession to make - I am terrible at trusting. Terrible. I mean it - TER - I - BULL.

I do love... truly and deeply. But without trust, what starts out as love gradually develops into resentment. Why? Because I feel alone. I feel like I give and give and give and get little in return. And though I think in some sense that is true (I really don't receive too much), it's not because people aren't trying to give me anything.

Think about it like this: Love is like a wrapped gift, you have to unwrap it to fully receive it; but without trust, I am too scared that whatever is in there is not going to be something I like or worse yet is going to be something that hurts me. So I end up with piles of unwrapped gifts, many of which I am too suspicious of to even keep in the house (maybe there's a time bomb wrapped up to look like love) and others I admire from the outside, grateful to have received the gift but unwilling to really open it.

Can I be honest? This is a sucky way to live.

Now my Jackie would say something right about now, like "Paula, you are feeling this way right now, but you're actually doing much better at this." And she would be right. God has done some work, sent some people who I generally trust enough to open their packages. Not all of them of course - if they look too big or extravagant they sit around collecting dust or get the "too suspicious" label and get shipped out. But I have been doing much, much better.

This, of course, is a huge stumbling block in my relationship with God. Because, guess what, God sends bigger packages then anyone I've ever known. Let me give you some examples:

(1) Radical sacrificial love

Romans 5:6-8 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 

(2) Infinite love

Ephesians 3:14-19 For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

(3) Empowering love

Galatians 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Huge packages - HUGE. My nature is to slap the "too suspicious" label on those before they even get to my house. The minute they are suggested! Years ago, I had such a venomous response to those claims - "yeah, open that box and you'll find hand cuffs and all your dreams washed away" or "I know what comes in that wrapping paper, cruelty, judgement and condemnation." Basically alarms going off everywhere! My heart spinning in my chest - screaming "GET THAT OUT OF HERE! IT'S GOING TO BREAK ME!"

And it does break me when I let it in.

I can still see my generally controlled self standing in church next to my father and one of our worship leaders singing "Oh, How He Loves Us." My heart thumping so hard it felt like it my pop out, a lump so huge in my throat I could not sing and tears dripping off my chin. My flesh screaming - NO, NO, NO!

So this year, I've been focusing on learning to trust. I have a strong suspicion this going to take more than one year - but I am leaning in. Memorizing scripture related to trust.... and I just want to say (maybe to those of you who face similar struggles) it's hard. Definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But I believe... I trust ... that it will be worth it.

I love you.