The Down-side of Redemption

I have been in a really rocky place for the last few weeks. I think David has been too. This move is bringing up all of our insecurities and neither of us is feeling particularly equipped to help the other. We also look at each other with a little resentment in our eyes - thinking "This is MY time of need here. Aren't YOU supposed to be helping ME? Isn't that why I got married in the first place, so that I would have help when I needed it?"

In case you were wondering, what I have just written out there is sin. Not sin the behavior (i.e., murdering, lying, stealing, sleeping around, etc.), though that is the type of sin that gets the most press; but real sin, or the true nature of sin, the sin in our hearts. Pride. Selfishness. Entitlement.

When that part of our nature shows, we are pretty ugly and unloveable. I want to remind myself, that no where in my vows did it say anything about loving David so long as he helped me out, or did what I needed when I needed it. Nor does that even seem reasonable when you consider the fact that marriage is about two people becoming one. Hello! If your both the same person, your pains are going to be his pains; your time of need is going to be his time of need too. How is it possible for this tit-for-tat (or complimentary - as it is more euphemistically put) mentality supposed to work when you share joys, failures, brokenness, stress, and pain?? You both have the most to offer at the same time, and the least to offer at the same time - it's not going to work.


And it is at this moment, when I am working the irrationality and unfairness of my desires through, that I come face to face with my limitations. When I come face to face with my own sin. My own bankrupt state. My selfishness prohibits me from being there for David. My entitlement stops me from thinking I should. My pride emphasizes his short-comings and minimizes my own.

I need a goel, a redeemer, one whose love is far deeper than my own, to supply me with what I need right now. Because, quite frankly, I don't have much love to offer, much forgiveness to give out, much humility to spare. I think what I am, very much of the time right now, is one big gaping need. I need love, I need forgiveness, I need security, patience, mercy, softening. I need, need, need, need, need. NEED.

And I, frankly, I am pissed about this! And isn't it David's job to fix this?? And why, when I am them most desperate, is he the least available? And, and, and, and, and.

'Oh, honey,' I hear somewhere down in my spirit, 'he is never going to satisfy you, and you, you're never going to satisfy him. Those shoes are far too big for either of you to fill. Stop trying to get what you need from him and come to Me.'

And I wrestle with this, because it means growing my faith. Relying on Deity that I cannot see or prove or verify or sue if He lets me down. I also cannot offer anything in exchange, I can only humbly receive, a powerless, vulnerable position if ever there was one. But this is the option. The only option that will work.

This is the down-side to a goel, to redemption. We must admit that we can't do it and we don't have anything to offer. We must have faith and humility. Our pride and self-righteousness and entitlement can't come.