Stand Your Ground

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes you may be able to stand your ground, and when you have done everything, to stand. –Ephesians 6: 13

I often think that God has placed a simple call on my life… “Go first.” This simply means, being willing to say the first vulnerable thing, take the first leap, sometimes shed the first tear. And it’s really “Go second,” because we all know who really went first, right?   

This post – well this post is about when it gets really, really hard to do just that. And I know all about that because, you see, I know about spiritual warfare. I know how it looks. I know what it smells like, because I am in one of the most intense spiritual battles of my life. Let me tell you a bit about it…

In January of 2012 things fell apart.

Ok... let’s back up a step… In August of 2011 I had moved across the country with my husband and daughter to live with our best friends in a beautiful farm house out in Eaton. It was a the realization of a call on my life, a call on all of our lives (or so I thought), to live out the principles of community laid out in Acts and gradually start feeding, into our little corner of the world, lives steeped in the gospel. It was a magical time. Things falling in place. Dreams coming true.

It wasn’t long, though, until things soured. My husband was not happy. There was conflict. Darkness crept at the edges of our lives… it lingered and yanked…pulled and tugged… it seduced. And then things fell apart.

Things fell apart after a phone call on Dec 30, 2011 when the first betrayal was revealed and continued to unravel as I realized my marriage was not what I thought. In the last year, I have felt the icy sting of betrayal. The crippling fear of mistrust. The grief of shattered dreams. The loneliness of uncovering the truth. It has been a very long and dramatic year and I have needed Ephesians 6:10-18.

For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. – Ephesians 6: 12

Let me tell you some things I have learned from the trenches over the last year. It is very tempting in the middle of a spiritual war to start blaming people. In my case, it is very tempting to start blaming David (my husband). It is tempting to think that I am fighting him, because it is his face that lied to me and his body that betrayed me. And when I am not blaming him, it is very tempting to blame myself. It is tempting because it is my flesh and blood that opens me to feel betrayal and my own human limitations that made it so I was deceived. But this passage of Scripture calls that out. It says to me – “No Paula! Your battle is not against flesh and blood. Neither David’s nor your own.”

Instead it tells me to be concerned about the rulers, authorities, powers and spiritual forces of evil. For me these forces come seducing with my desire for approval and my pride. They are calling me to be busy, to fill my time with obligations and dates instead of conversations and connections. They whisper doubt to me, about my standing with the Lord and His character and my place. They fill me with fears for my life and my future. They undermine my trust in others, suggesting that I cope by using silence (if no one knows they won’t ask) and masks (sure, I had great week).

It is them, against whom I am asked to stand firm.

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled at your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

I am to stand firm in the waves of temptation to blame, to run, to hide and to fear by remembering the truth, by taking on Christ’s righteousness, by walking in peace, by defending with faith and by speaking the very Word of God over my life. And let me tell you what… this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Do you know how BADLY I want to lie? How much I wish the truth of my marriage wasn’t true? How terrifying it is, to let other people see what is real and vulnerable and raw?

Or how much I want to be unrighteous! When someone has smashed your heart to smithereens you want to key their car! To say the things you KNOW will hurt! Not mention there are lines of other people who deeply care about you, who want very much to help you along this path or see you as weak when you won’t.

Do you know how tempting it is to just give in to hopelessness? To quit fighting the good fight of faith? How vulnerable it feels to say, “I believe God will work this together into something beautiful for me” when what I have right now is suffering? Is pain?

But what I also know, from walking this thing out for an entire year, is that God is faithful. And this armor thing – it’s right and it’s good and it’s perfect and it’s holy.

It looks like sitting across from Lisa Horst and telling her the whole truth. Even when I was scared I would be rejected.

It looks like calling Joshua in tears to ask for his honest feedback, his strength and his courage.

It looks like singing out Mumford and Sons “I Will Wait” to God in the car so loud my chest aches.

It looks like swallowing my pride and repeatedly making space for my husband in my daughter’s life. And the fruit of watching Sydney (my daughter) spend her birthday with her father and be really happy. Never having to wonder if I want her to love him or not.

It looks like receiving grace and encouragement from the beautiful friends God has placed in my life.

It looks like God showing up to confirm that this is the very post that is supposed to start this season of my life.

You see - I also know that God was with me and in me and for this because of the timing of this very post. Because on February 4, 2012 I was crying out to him in despair and anger in my office. I remember I lay on the floor and dug my fingers into the pile of the rug and said to Him “I am not getting up without a word from you! I know there might be a client out there soon. I do not care. It’s You and me right now.” (FYI: Please do not read this as an endorsement to make demands on God. This worked out in this situation probably because: (1) I was just authentically broken and (2) God is incredibly gracious.) Fortunately, for me (and my clients), God did have something to say. He said “Ephesians 6.”

Now I am no Bible scholar, so the address didn’t mean anything to me. When I looked it up though, my heart started racing when I came to versus 10-18. So much so that I wrote in my prayer journal:

Answer: Ephesians 6:10-18.

I believed that answer so much I have written out those verses in every journal entry since that day.
That means that I have unintentionally been writing and meditating on the very Scriptures that would form the basis of this first blog post for 1 year. I did not pick this date. I did not pick this sermon. But God did. He did it for me – so that I would know He is here. He did it for you too.  

Dearest Abba,

I am humbling myself before you. May these women know that they find in me a battered and torn soldier; someone who does not perfectly or completely wear her armor either. May they know that any wisdom I have, is simply because You were gracious to give it. Give them space to really embrace Your Word.

I love you too. Amen.

So Ladies it’s your turn:

(1)   Own it. In what ways are you now or have you in the past struggled with spiritual warfare? Which flesh and blood are you battling? What rulers, authorities, powers and spiritual forces of evil are you overlooking? Many of you may not want to do this publicly… so please feel free to do it in a journal or with a friend.

(2)   Wrestle it. What does it really mean to buckle the belt of truth? What about adorn the breastplate of righteousness or take up the shield of faith? Which piece of armor is the easiest for you to identify with? Which is the most difficult?

(3)   Live it. In addition to understanding where we are and what Scripture has to say about handling it, we are going to need some tools for carrying it out. So let’s share ways we’ve been successful at donning our armor. What are your tools for taking up your shield of faith? What about putting on your boots of peace or securing the helmet of salvation?