If you've talked to me much about my faith, you probably already know that there are a few topics that immediately excite me. They speak to something very deep and old within me. When I am open my mouth to speak of them, immediately a tear jumps to my eyes and my heart fills with passion.
One of these topics is redemption. The idea that no matter who or where you are, or how deep a pit of sin and filth you have made for yourself there is always, Always, ALWAYS hope. God is always interested and capable of restoring you. That there really is grace enough for the whole human race. But today's post is not about redemption - well I guess it is in some sense, I mean every story that involves broken people and God is going to involve some aspect of redemption. But it narrowly focuses on one aspect of God's redemptive work - the assignment of a new name.
You see there is a theme through out scripture of God re-naming people. For example, God re-names Abram to Abraham, Sarai to Sarah, Jacob to Isreal, Simon to Peter, Saul to Paul. These changes are not simply superficial they reflect something deeper - Abram (a fatherless old man married to a barren widow) renamed Abraham (the father of many nations), Jacob (a liar, thief and coward, with a name that means supplanter) renamed Isreal (God wrestler - nothing cowardly about it!).
And what is so profoundly moving about this theme to me, is that in most cases God calls us by our new name PRIOR to our change. He calls Abram, Abraham long before nations are born from his line. He calls Gideon "mighty man of valor" while he is still the scrawny runt of his family. He calls Simon, Peter (or Rock) while he is still an emotional, impulsive and unstable man.
Why? Why does He do this?
He does this, because He knows who we really are. He is not thrown off by our sins, hurts or mistakes. He is not confused about where we have been or what we were made for. He knows. HE KNOWS! And He speaks our name so that we will know. Because we don't know who we really are. We are totally thrown off by our sins, hurts and mistakes. We are confused about where we have been and what we are made for.
Revelation 2:17 says this:
He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with new name written on it, known only to him who receives it. "
This passage is speaking to us. God will give us a new name, a name that reflects who you really are. A name that tells you who you really are. It is not based on where you have been. It is not based on how you have failed. It is not based on a realistic assessment of where you are now. My name (your name) is who I was born to be and who, with God's grace, I will be again.
So the question is... do you know your name?
I believe I know what my name is. And I cannot wait, to hear him call it.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
God with us
I've spent a lot of time recently talking to people about loneliness and abandonment; about suffering and loss. Of course, this is a regular part of my profession. It is my comfort (or at least my occasional comfort) with such topics that has lead me to this role. I think most people really struggle to look at this stuff dead in the face. They don't want to see it.
Today alone, I have heard about or experienced examples of the ways we deal (or really don't deal) with these pains. We loose touch with reality (through lies and pretense and dissociation), we harden our hearts (through bitterness and unforgiveness), we delude ourselves (through the illusion of control), we run away. It's all such utter nonsense.
And when we are there, forced by circumstance or choice to look these things in the face, we often find ourselves very much alone because the rest of the world is totally not on board. I cannot tell you how many times in this very week I have heard the following phrase: "I just wanted someone to be with me." From the mouth of a divorcee, a longtime single, the victim of rape, someone coping with death, someone facing death - "I just want someone to be with me." Not someone to fix it, to minimize it, to run from it, to delude me about it, to encourage me to be bitter or entitled, not someone to know exactly how I feel or say exactly the right words but "someone to be with me."
And it strikes me that God chose two names for his son:
Matthew 1:21
And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name Jesus: for he shall save his people from their sins.
and Matthew 1:23 (as well as Isaiah 7:14)
Behold a virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall call his name Immanuel, God with us.
So the God's son shall be named "God saves" and "God with us". God saves.... God with us.
I don't know about you, but when I generally think of saving or rescuing I think of escaping. You know, a train barreling toward you and you are saved by the person who leaps into you, pushing you out of the way of the train. You've escaped.
When we think about Jesus, I think we can get stuck in this same kind of reasoning. Jesus saves by leaping onto the cross, just in the nick of time before our sins run us over. We've escaped. We've been rescued. Whew - now that's over.
But this is not my experience of Christianity. That's not to say it might not be an accurate reflection of some spiritual event I couldn't fully experience, I don't know. But what is certain, is that I have never felt the pressure of sin bearing down upon me and Christ narrowly carrying me out of danger. Nor was I immediately twinkled out of every desperate sin and ditch I had dug for myself when he came into my life. Something is very different about the way Jesus goes about saving.
In fact, it seems very clear to me that God does not save by sending a rope down from heaven with an evacuation plan. Cause look around dudes, we are all still here. And so was Peter and Paul and Mary and Martha and John.
So what's the deal God! Do you save? Yes - but the clue is in his other name. Because it is not just "God saves" but "God with us."
So Jesus doesn't push us out of the way of the train, He stands with us staring at the train and somehow this saves us.
Suffering.
God saves.
Someone to be with me.
God with us.
Today alone, I have heard about or experienced examples of the ways we deal (or really don't deal) with these pains. We loose touch with reality (through lies and pretense and dissociation), we harden our hearts (through bitterness and unforgiveness), we delude ourselves (through the illusion of control), we run away. It's all such utter nonsense.
And when we are there, forced by circumstance or choice to look these things in the face, we often find ourselves very much alone because the rest of the world is totally not on board. I cannot tell you how many times in this very week I have heard the following phrase: "I just wanted someone to be with me." From the mouth of a divorcee, a longtime single, the victim of rape, someone coping with death, someone facing death - "I just want someone to be with me." Not someone to fix it, to minimize it, to run from it, to delude me about it, to encourage me to be bitter or entitled, not someone to know exactly how I feel or say exactly the right words but "someone to be with me."
And it strikes me that God chose two names for his son:
Matthew 1:21
And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name Jesus: for he shall save his people from their sins.
and Matthew 1:23 (as well as Isaiah 7:14)
Behold a virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall call his name Immanuel, God with us.
So the God's son shall be named "God saves" and "God with us". God saves.... God with us.
I don't know about you, but when I generally think of saving or rescuing I think of escaping. You know, a train barreling toward you and you are saved by the person who leaps into you, pushing you out of the way of the train. You've escaped.
When we think about Jesus, I think we can get stuck in this same kind of reasoning. Jesus saves by leaping onto the cross, just in the nick of time before our sins run us over. We've escaped. We've been rescued. Whew - now that's over.
But this is not my experience of Christianity. That's not to say it might not be an accurate reflection of some spiritual event I couldn't fully experience, I don't know. But what is certain, is that I have never felt the pressure of sin bearing down upon me and Christ narrowly carrying me out of danger. Nor was I immediately twinkled out of every desperate sin and ditch I had dug for myself when he came into my life. Something is very different about the way Jesus goes about saving.
In fact, it seems very clear to me that God does not save by sending a rope down from heaven with an evacuation plan. Cause look around dudes, we are all still here. And so was Peter and Paul and Mary and Martha and John.
So what's the deal God! Do you save? Yes - but the clue is in his other name. Because it is not just "God saves" but "God with us."
So Jesus doesn't push us out of the way of the train, He stands with us staring at the train and somehow this saves us.
Suffering.
God saves.
Someone to be with me.
God with us.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Itchy Ears
I just finished a book a few weeks back by Rob Bell called Love Wins: A Book About Heaven, Hell, and the Fate of Every Person Who Ever Lived. Boy, oh, boy is this a controversial book.
As you may or may not be aware, folks in the evangelical community are all up in arms because the perception was that Bell was taking a universalist position on the afterlife. For those unaware, the church has been fighting back and forth for centuries about the nature of the after life (i.e., who goes to heaven, who goes to hell; what exactly is heaven, what exactly is hell). For at least the recent past, three positions have been articulated: exclusivism (i.e. only Christians get in), inclusivism (i.e., Christians and some other people get in) and universalism (i.e., everybody gets in). Now, I am totally uneducated about who has held the majority position over the course of church history, but I do know a two things: (1) the loudest group of Christians presently endorse an exclusivistic perspective (I was gonna say majority of Christians, but I am not sure if that is true) and (2) there have been people in all three camps throughout the course of church history.
Now before some of you get all angry about exclusivists being the loudest, and possibly majority, group, I want to say something. I am pretty sure that a good number (if not the majority) of exclusivist Christians are exclusivist not because they really like the idea that most of the people who have been born and will be born are going to burn in hell. I am pretty sure they are exclusivist because their read (or the read of people they deeply respect and trust) is that, that is what the Bible teaches. In their view inclusivism and universalism are attempts to compromise the gospel to make it more palatable to the world. They take very seriously the warnings across the new testament about false prophets and manipulation of gospel. Warnings like 2 Timothy 4:3
For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.
And I will tell you something true, Mr. Bell's book did scratch my itchy ear. You see for a very, very long time I could not stomach Christianity. I could not stomach it because it seemed very much like a country club with ridiculous entrance standards; specifically, like what we like, dress how we dress, think how we think or burn in hell for all eternity. Of course they wrapped their invitation in words about love and acceptance but I saw through that bull to the purple kool-aid. And let me tell you what, I was not about to drink it.
So Mr. Bell's writing, his invitation to draw near to the gospel without having to draw the same conclusions as the people I knew was unquestionably part of my path to God. Certainly the existence of universalism at all, provided me a path toward God. But the question then is: Am I actually drawing closer to the real God? The Creator of the Universe? Or am I drawing closer to a god that I am fashioning from concepts I already like? Can I "put up with sound doctrine" or am I "gathering teachers" to scratch my itchy ears?
And here is my take. At the center of the Bible is a tension - a tension between who God is and what He wants and the apparent outcome. On the one hand, you have an omnipotent, omnipresent, omnipowerful God, Creator of the Universe, who is love and wants every person who ever lived to return to Him. On the other hand, you have mention of hell, judgement, wheat and chaff, weeping and gnashing of teeth, and of a rebel army that fights with Satan in last war in Revelation. These two things are very, very difficult to reconcile. If you reconcile them by saying - "Oh well, God is all powerful, his love is unending, he will pursue people until he gets them even into the after life" you are over looking some very explicit warnings about how you live this life, the image of judgment and the clear picture that not all will come to the party. If you reconcile them by saying - "Clearly, I can tell you that "those people" who didn't do or say this or that thing, in this or that way are lost and going to burn" you are over looking who God is, and minimizing Him into a genie or mechanism that acts right in given circumstances. I think we ought to realize that if God says He wants something, there is a good chance He is going to get it.
So what I think is that the itch we all have is for reconciliation of that tension. We don't want to sit with dissonance - we want some preacher to resolve it for us. We want a prayer or book or philosophy or an approach to resolve it.
So be careful brothers and sisters. Be wary of people who tell you what you want to hear! Who have bumper sticker phrases which claim to resolve tensions that the Scriptures leave open. God is complicated! Or more accurately God is deep and rich and broad and wide and incomprehensible in His fullness. Yes, take seriously His warnings about this life and life to come. Take seriously His commands to obey and to reach out and tell others about Him. But also hold on to the knowledge and the hope and the truth that He is mysterious and all-powerful. That compassion and mercy are His to determine. As it says in Exodus 33:19
I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.
Doesn't leave much room for us to decide who is in and who is out, does it?
As you may or may not be aware, folks in the evangelical community are all up in arms because the perception was that Bell was taking a universalist position on the afterlife. For those unaware, the church has been fighting back and forth for centuries about the nature of the after life (i.e., who goes to heaven, who goes to hell; what exactly is heaven, what exactly is hell). For at least the recent past, three positions have been articulated: exclusivism (i.e. only Christians get in), inclusivism (i.e., Christians and some other people get in) and universalism (i.e., everybody gets in). Now, I am totally uneducated about who has held the majority position over the course of church history, but I do know a two things: (1) the loudest group of Christians presently endorse an exclusivistic perspective (I was gonna say majority of Christians, but I am not sure if that is true) and (2) there have been people in all three camps throughout the course of church history.
Now before some of you get all angry about exclusivists being the loudest, and possibly majority, group, I want to say something. I am pretty sure that a good number (if not the majority) of exclusivist Christians are exclusivist not because they really like the idea that most of the people who have been born and will be born are going to burn in hell. I am pretty sure they are exclusivist because their read (or the read of people they deeply respect and trust) is that, that is what the Bible teaches. In their view inclusivism and universalism are attempts to compromise the gospel to make it more palatable to the world. They take very seriously the warnings across the new testament about false prophets and manipulation of gospel. Warnings like 2 Timothy 4:3
For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.
And I will tell you something true, Mr. Bell's book did scratch my itchy ear. You see for a very, very long time I could not stomach Christianity. I could not stomach it because it seemed very much like a country club with ridiculous entrance standards; specifically, like what we like, dress how we dress, think how we think or burn in hell for all eternity. Of course they wrapped their invitation in words about love and acceptance but I saw through that bull to the purple kool-aid. And let me tell you what, I was not about to drink it.
So Mr. Bell's writing, his invitation to draw near to the gospel without having to draw the same conclusions as the people I knew was unquestionably part of my path to God. Certainly the existence of universalism at all, provided me a path toward God. But the question then is: Am I actually drawing closer to the real God? The Creator of the Universe? Or am I drawing closer to a god that I am fashioning from concepts I already like? Can I "put up with sound doctrine" or am I "gathering teachers" to scratch my itchy ears?
And here is my take. At the center of the Bible is a tension - a tension between who God is and what He wants and the apparent outcome. On the one hand, you have an omnipotent, omnipresent, omnipowerful God, Creator of the Universe, who is love and wants every person who ever lived to return to Him. On the other hand, you have mention of hell, judgement, wheat and chaff, weeping and gnashing of teeth, and of a rebel army that fights with Satan in last war in Revelation. These two things are very, very difficult to reconcile. If you reconcile them by saying - "Oh well, God is all powerful, his love is unending, he will pursue people until he gets them even into the after life" you are over looking some very explicit warnings about how you live this life, the image of judgment and the clear picture that not all will come to the party. If you reconcile them by saying - "Clearly, I can tell you that "those people" who didn't do or say this or that thing, in this or that way are lost and going to burn" you are over looking who God is, and minimizing Him into a genie or mechanism that acts right in given circumstances. I think we ought to realize that if God says He wants something, there is a good chance He is going to get it.
So what I think is that the itch we all have is for reconciliation of that tension. We don't want to sit with dissonance - we want some preacher to resolve it for us. We want a prayer or book or philosophy or an approach to resolve it.
So be careful brothers and sisters. Be wary of people who tell you what you want to hear! Who have bumper sticker phrases which claim to resolve tensions that the Scriptures leave open. God is complicated! Or more accurately God is deep and rich and broad and wide and incomprehensible in His fullness. Yes, take seriously His warnings about this life and life to come. Take seriously His commands to obey and to reach out and tell others about Him. But also hold on to the knowledge and the hope and the truth that He is mysterious and all-powerful. That compassion and mercy are His to determine. As it says in Exodus 33:19
I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.
Doesn't leave much room for us to decide who is in and who is out, does it?
Monday, October 31, 2011
I'm Back and Where I went
Hello All,
Yes! I am back, after a nearly two month, unplanned and unannounced sabbatical from the blog. I write you today, knowing deeply that my desire to return is a clear indication to my spirit that I am finally hearing God and being healed.
So where did I go? Well, I think I veered off the road about the time I arrived Indiana - maybe a bit before. You see, I was trying to do a lot. I was saying good-bye to my friends, my church, my home, and my parents. I was saying hello to a new home, a new living situation, a new job, and new people. I also had somethings hanging on to me - two summer internet teaching assignments and a brand new course to develop for the fall, lingering entanglements with my previous job and a sack load of unresolved healing to do around seeking the approval of others. Oh - I was also totally caught up in the fact that a dream of mine was finally coming true and now what was I going to do with it.
None of this was particularly "bad" or "unusual" or even "too much" with the provision of grace. The problem really started when two things snuck in. We will call these two things: "guilt" and "trying to fix it."
SO - Guilt. Believe it or not, when you are trying to do way too much you tend to drop the ball. I've dropped the ball more times than I care to count over the last four months (which, by the way, is never - that is, I care to never drop the ball). For example, I have a two $15.00 checks I've needed to mail; one for approximately four months, the other for two months. I have so many unreturned emails to people I love I cringe when I think about opening my gmail account. I am developing my course at a pace that places me one day behind each week and have grading stacked to the point that it would take at least two full days to get completely caught up. There are unpacked boxes and little fixes that need to be made all over the house. Oh!!! Oh!! And the worst of all, I agreed to take on a client at work, realized I was overbooked and had to refer him out. He was irritated and told my bosses - CRINGE!!!! And that's just what I can think up off the top of my head.
Now, did I meet myself with grace? Or go to God and ask Him to set my task list? No way Jose. Instead, I've been living in a perpetual state of guilt, shame and fear. I am not kidding when I say that my heart would literally start to beat through my chest when I thought about getting on-line. It represented for me a million failures, unmet deadlines and disappointed people. The other day, when my boss asked me about the complaint that client called about I was fine in the moment (Lord knows, if I had acted how I felt she might have disapproved...wink), I literally FREAKED OUT. Near tears, ruminating for hours about it, stuck, stuck, stuck. Guilt - "Your failing everyone, Paula." "You are not enough, Paula."
Surprisingly, I felt even less like getting caught up with all of that nonsense going on. It was getting to the point, that I would have to build myself up for twenty-minutes just work up the energy to open my email. Holy, Moly!
Now - Trying to Fix It. Trying to Fix it, moved in shortly after guilt. As I am intimately familiar with at this point, guilt, shame, condemnation, fear - whatever you want to call it - feels really bad. It makes me feel physically ill, like I wanna vomit. It makes me break out into a sweat. It makes me irritable and sad. Needless to say, I did not want to continue feeling this emotion. It sucks.
So, I went about trying to fix it. Rather than being entirely absent from this process, God does make an appearance in this part... at least in name. I tried to use God, like a tool, to fix the pain. I prayed. Of course, my prayers were mostly like "Oh God, this sucks. I hate this feeling. Let me tell you the five things I have planned to do to make it better." And then I would go about doing the 5 things I had planned to make it better. Meanwhile, for the first time in 3 years I was not doing my Bible Study homework with regularity, attending church with consistency or reading anything theological. I did not have one thing to write about on the blog. Don't get me wrong, I recognized these things were happening (see guilt above) and I was always trying very hard to fix it - adjusting the time of the day when I would complete Bible Study, planning a trip to a new church for the next weekend, promising myself for the 500th time I would get on the blog - but do you know what I actually did: I failed. Failed, failed, failed. The only thing that my grand plans succeeded at was adding more items to my overfull task list and more guilt for me to cope with.
I was in a state.
So what now? Well, God had been sending me little messages on the DL all the while. A card from my Bible Study girls back at Canyon. My Jackie beating her head into a wall trying to tell me to sit down and relax. David bending over backwards to try to take something off my plate, so I would just be happy for a minute. There were moments in the car, where a song would catch me and I would cry. But it didn't all come to a head until this week. Apparently, God has given me enough leash and is going to speak with a bull horn.
I have heard, in no less than four different places, that I need to SLOW DOWN and breath. An entire video devoted directly to the issue of working for victory instead of resting. You see, so long as I am working I am not trusting. God wants me to rest. Salvation = trust + rest. No work in there at all. I also learned about "the breath of God" or nooma (in Greek) from three different sources all in the same week - all saying, "Slow down, breath, let the breath of God fill you, let God fight your battles for you."
So I think I took my first big bite of rest. My first real acceptance that I don't have to dance around constantly trying to fix me in order for me and God to ok. Me and God ARE ok.
In fact, He says we are more than ok - I am his beloved child. Nothing I can do, no mistake I can ever make, will alter that. Sigh - Oh yeah... that's right isn't it?
Yes! I am back, after a nearly two month, unplanned and unannounced sabbatical from the blog. I write you today, knowing deeply that my desire to return is a clear indication to my spirit that I am finally hearing God and being healed.
So where did I go? Well, I think I veered off the road about the time I arrived Indiana - maybe a bit before. You see, I was trying to do a lot. I was saying good-bye to my friends, my church, my home, and my parents. I was saying hello to a new home, a new living situation, a new job, and new people. I also had somethings hanging on to me - two summer internet teaching assignments and a brand new course to develop for the fall, lingering entanglements with my previous job and a sack load of unresolved healing to do around seeking the approval of others. Oh - I was also totally caught up in the fact that a dream of mine was finally coming true and now what was I going to do with it.
None of this was particularly "bad" or "unusual" or even "too much" with the provision of grace. The problem really started when two things snuck in. We will call these two things: "guilt" and "trying to fix it."
SO - Guilt. Believe it or not, when you are trying to do way too much you tend to drop the ball. I've dropped the ball more times than I care to count over the last four months (which, by the way, is never - that is, I care to never drop the ball). For example, I have a two $15.00 checks I've needed to mail; one for approximately four months, the other for two months. I have so many unreturned emails to people I love I cringe when I think about opening my gmail account. I am developing my course at a pace that places me one day behind each week and have grading stacked to the point that it would take at least two full days to get completely caught up. There are unpacked boxes and little fixes that need to be made all over the house. Oh!!! Oh!! And the worst of all, I agreed to take on a client at work, realized I was overbooked and had to refer him out. He was irritated and told my bosses - CRINGE!!!! And that's just what I can think up off the top of my head.
Now, did I meet myself with grace? Or go to God and ask Him to set my task list? No way Jose. Instead, I've been living in a perpetual state of guilt, shame and fear. I am not kidding when I say that my heart would literally start to beat through my chest when I thought about getting on-line. It represented for me a million failures, unmet deadlines and disappointed people. The other day, when my boss asked me about the complaint that client called about I was fine in the moment (Lord knows, if I had acted how I felt she might have disapproved...wink), I literally FREAKED OUT. Near tears, ruminating for hours about it, stuck, stuck, stuck. Guilt - "Your failing everyone, Paula." "You are not enough, Paula."
Surprisingly, I felt even less like getting caught up with all of that nonsense going on. It was getting to the point, that I would have to build myself up for twenty-minutes just work up the energy to open my email. Holy, Moly!
Now - Trying to Fix It. Trying to Fix it, moved in shortly after guilt. As I am intimately familiar with at this point, guilt, shame, condemnation, fear - whatever you want to call it - feels really bad. It makes me feel physically ill, like I wanna vomit. It makes me break out into a sweat. It makes me irritable and sad. Needless to say, I did not want to continue feeling this emotion. It sucks.
So, I went about trying to fix it. Rather than being entirely absent from this process, God does make an appearance in this part... at least in name. I tried to use God, like a tool, to fix the pain. I prayed. Of course, my prayers were mostly like "Oh God, this sucks. I hate this feeling. Let me tell you the five things I have planned to do to make it better." And then I would go about doing the 5 things I had planned to make it better. Meanwhile, for the first time in 3 years I was not doing my Bible Study homework with regularity, attending church with consistency or reading anything theological. I did not have one thing to write about on the blog. Don't get me wrong, I recognized these things were happening (see guilt above) and I was always trying very hard to fix it - adjusting the time of the day when I would complete Bible Study, planning a trip to a new church for the next weekend, promising myself for the 500th time I would get on the blog - but do you know what I actually did: I failed. Failed, failed, failed. The only thing that my grand plans succeeded at was adding more items to my overfull task list and more guilt for me to cope with.
I was in a state.
So what now? Well, God had been sending me little messages on the DL all the while. A card from my Bible Study girls back at Canyon. My Jackie beating her head into a wall trying to tell me to sit down and relax. David bending over backwards to try to take something off my plate, so I would just be happy for a minute. There were moments in the car, where a song would catch me and I would cry. But it didn't all come to a head until this week. Apparently, God has given me enough leash and is going to speak with a bull horn.
I have heard, in no less than four different places, that I need to SLOW DOWN and breath. An entire video devoted directly to the issue of working for victory instead of resting. You see, so long as I am working I am not trusting. God wants me to rest. Salvation = trust + rest. No work in there at all. I also learned about "the breath of God" or nooma (in Greek) from three different sources all in the same week - all saying, "Slow down, breath, let the breath of God fill you, let God fight your battles for you."
So I think I took my first big bite of rest. My first real acceptance that I don't have to dance around constantly trying to fix me in order for me and God to ok. Me and God ARE ok.
In fact, He says we are more than ok - I am his beloved child. Nothing I can do, no mistake I can ever make, will alter that. Sigh - Oh yeah... that's right isn't it?
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Songs to Share
God has been ministering to me through music again. I use the word ministering (rather than talking or communicating) not to be ultra-spiritual, but to reflect what I feel like he is actually doing. He is healing and comforting me, soothing and reminding me - ministering to me.
It's funny, because I can't even tell you why some of these songs are so moving to me. They must speak to something I need to hear. So here they are -
The first is a Nichole Nordeman, Amy Grant collaboration based on the book of Ruth called "I'm with you." Ironically (given my recent depth study of Ruth), I didn't recognize it as a Ruth inspired song. What I recognized was a song about friendship and intimacy and commitment. The minute I heard the first chord and certainly by the end of the song I was tearful, grateful for my Jackie. In my mind, it's our song.
Next is a couple of Matt Maher songs. The first is "Christ is Risen", which has spoken really deeply to me since around Easter time. For some reason, the reality of what Christ's resurrection really means (i.e., Victory over sin and death!) and the beauty by which is was accomplished (i.e., through selflessness and sacrifice and compassion) was so salient and powerful to me. This song just claims this Truth so clearly. My absolute favorite part is the bridge: Oh death, where is your sting? Oh hell, where is your victory? Oh Church, come stand in the light! Our God is not dead, He's alive! He's alive!
The second I didn't even know was a Matt Maher song - it sounds super country - and part of me doesn't want to like it, but I love it! It's called "Turn Around" and it is about how God is in hot pursuit of us, always standing just behind us, longing and waiting for us.
Then there is Natalie Grant's "Your Great Name". My eyes just well up in tears: every fear has no place at the sound of Your great name... the enemy, He has to leave at the sound of Your great name.
Finally, there is Shawn McDonald's "Rise." For He, who is in me, is greater than I will ever be and I will rise. Yes, He, who is in me, is greater than I will ever be and I will rise.
It's funny, because I can't even tell you why some of these songs are so moving to me. They must speak to something I need to hear. So here they are -
The first is a Nichole Nordeman, Amy Grant collaboration based on the book of Ruth called "I'm with you." Ironically (given my recent depth study of Ruth), I didn't recognize it as a Ruth inspired song. What I recognized was a song about friendship and intimacy and commitment. The minute I heard the first chord and certainly by the end of the song I was tearful, grateful for my Jackie. In my mind, it's our song.
Next is a couple of Matt Maher songs. The first is "Christ is Risen", which has spoken really deeply to me since around Easter time. For some reason, the reality of what Christ's resurrection really means (i.e., Victory over sin and death!) and the beauty by which is was accomplished (i.e., through selflessness and sacrifice and compassion) was so salient and powerful to me. This song just claims this Truth so clearly. My absolute favorite part is the bridge: Oh death, where is your sting? Oh hell, where is your victory? Oh Church, come stand in the light! Our God is not dead, He's alive! He's alive!
The second I didn't even know was a Matt Maher song - it sounds super country - and part of me doesn't want to like it, but I love it! It's called "Turn Around" and it is about how God is in hot pursuit of us, always standing just behind us, longing and waiting for us.
Then there is Natalie Grant's "Your Great Name". My eyes just well up in tears: every fear has no place at the sound of Your great name... the enemy, He has to leave at the sound of Your great name.
Finally, there is Shawn McDonald's "Rise." For He, who is in me, is greater than I will ever be and I will rise. Yes, He, who is in me, is greater than I will ever be and I will rise.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Modesty
As you all know, I have been completing a Bible Study on sex and sexuality. For the past two weeks, I've been studying passages in Scripture (predominantly Proverbs) about "the strange woman." These passages are written as warnings to men, to stay away from women who use their sexuality, particularly risque dress, to entice them. And because the Bible study I am doing is geared to women, what we've really been talking about it modesty (i.e., Are you the strange woman?).
First, you should know that I immediately get salty when I even smell a hint in the air that women are going to get blamed for male sin. If a man is lusting in his heart, it is his issue. I want to say something like, I don't care if she is parading around in the nude, his thoughts and decisions are his responsibility. So you can imagine, two weeks devoted to telling me (or women generally) that they should dress modestly because otherwise we are going to tempt men into sin is going to have me prickly. And I am prickly about it. Women are not responsible for male sin. If a man lusts, it's his deal.
But I also want to say something else that is true. I recently had a very vulnerable conversation with two very close friends about some of my "stuff." And part of my "stuff" is the deep, entrenched longing to be the object of desire. I have a few recurrent dreams, one of which is directly related to this topic. Specifically, I have this dream where I am being chased by a man, sometimes many men. This is not a threatening dream, I am running and hiding but all the while enjoying because I want to be chased. It's one of those dreams when you wake up and you wish you could fall back asleep, because I feel so desirable. And in the conversation I had, I admitted that what I really want (deep down) is to be so beautiful, so captivating that every man in the room wants me - married, single, my husband or somebody-else's it doesn't matter. And I think that desire is really sick, it is the desire to be the strange woman.
And you may be thinking to yourself, what is so wrong with that desire?? What harm does it cause if you don't actually act on it??
Well, I want you to ask yourself something - have you ever known a woman like that? A woman that you know is conjuring up desire in every man around? Have you ever watched that desire manifest in an actuality? I have. I have intimately known at least three women - two of whom I called very close (even best) friends at points in my life - whom had a large degree of success at attaining what I desire. And this is my lived experience of that truth:
(1) They were not trustworthy women - their longing to be desired over-road everything else. You could not trust them with any man you loved (brother, boyfriend, father, husband, potential love interest), given the right set of circumstances no one was off limits. And I don't mean that they necessarily slept with all of them - they just used their sexuality to get something from them, most often a sense of self-esteem from being desired by them. As you can imagine this dramatically decreased their ability to have close friendships - it eventually ended most of ours.
(2) They were predatory - seducing men was not an accident. They dressed, talked, and walked in a way specifically aimed at seduction. They were not innocent. This is not the story of some innocently beautiful woman, who accidentally makes those around her swoon just by her mere presence (p.s. I have yet to meet one of these women outside of fiction). They were using their eyes, lips, and words as deliberately as a frat boy might use alcohol to get what they wanted.
(3) Getting involved with them was never a good idea. I mean honestly, no man I ever knew that got involved with one of these women ever left better off then when he started. They often broke off relationships with or cheated on other women in their lives. Many became quite attached and experienced great pain when she would move on or cheat on him. Honestly, the best case scenario was for the worst type of man - the one that was capitalizing on her vulnerability and knew she was "easy." But even they left with a awful stereotype of women confirmed.
(4) Finally, they were not happy - even though this huge desire was being fulfilled mostly they felt empty, incomplete and unlovable. Most often the fuel driving the longing train was a deep seated felling of unworthiness, that they needed to mediate as quickly and often as possible with a warm body's "proof" that they were worthy of something.
So when Proverbs says something like "Hey men - stay the heck away from women like that, they are only gonna kill you." I see that as just good advice. Sorta like saying to women, "Hey ladies, don't go to frat party alone those boys are often up to no good" is just good advice.
I also think it tells me, "Hey Paula, is this who you really want to be? Do you really think that being desirable is what you really want? Take a careful look at the price tag for both you and those around you - because it is not cheap."
First, you should know that I immediately get salty when I even smell a hint in the air that women are going to get blamed for male sin. If a man is lusting in his heart, it is his issue. I want to say something like, I don't care if she is parading around in the nude, his thoughts and decisions are his responsibility. So you can imagine, two weeks devoted to telling me (or women generally) that they should dress modestly because otherwise we are going to tempt men into sin is going to have me prickly. And I am prickly about it. Women are not responsible for male sin. If a man lusts, it's his deal.
But I also want to say something else that is true. I recently had a very vulnerable conversation with two very close friends about some of my "stuff." And part of my "stuff" is the deep, entrenched longing to be the object of desire. I have a few recurrent dreams, one of which is directly related to this topic. Specifically, I have this dream where I am being chased by a man, sometimes many men. This is not a threatening dream, I am running and hiding but all the while enjoying because I want to be chased. It's one of those dreams when you wake up and you wish you could fall back asleep, because I feel so desirable. And in the conversation I had, I admitted that what I really want (deep down) is to be so beautiful, so captivating that every man in the room wants me - married, single, my husband or somebody-else's it doesn't matter. And I think that desire is really sick, it is the desire to be the strange woman.
And you may be thinking to yourself, what is so wrong with that desire?? What harm does it cause if you don't actually act on it??
Well, I want you to ask yourself something - have you ever known a woman like that? A woman that you know is conjuring up desire in every man around? Have you ever watched that desire manifest in an actuality? I have. I have intimately known at least three women - two of whom I called very close (even best) friends at points in my life - whom had a large degree of success at attaining what I desire. And this is my lived experience of that truth:
(1) They were not trustworthy women - their longing to be desired over-road everything else. You could not trust them with any man you loved (brother, boyfriend, father, husband, potential love interest), given the right set of circumstances no one was off limits. And I don't mean that they necessarily slept with all of them - they just used their sexuality to get something from them, most often a sense of self-esteem from being desired by them. As you can imagine this dramatically decreased their ability to have close friendships - it eventually ended most of ours.
(2) They were predatory - seducing men was not an accident. They dressed, talked, and walked in a way specifically aimed at seduction. They were not innocent. This is not the story of some innocently beautiful woman, who accidentally makes those around her swoon just by her mere presence (p.s. I have yet to meet one of these women outside of fiction). They were using their eyes, lips, and words as deliberately as a frat boy might use alcohol to get what they wanted.
(3) Getting involved with them was never a good idea. I mean honestly, no man I ever knew that got involved with one of these women ever left better off then when he started. They often broke off relationships with or cheated on other women in their lives. Many became quite attached and experienced great pain when she would move on or cheat on him. Honestly, the best case scenario was for the worst type of man - the one that was capitalizing on her vulnerability and knew she was "easy." But even they left with a awful stereotype of women confirmed.
(4) Finally, they were not happy - even though this huge desire was being fulfilled mostly they felt empty, incomplete and unlovable. Most often the fuel driving the longing train was a deep seated felling of unworthiness, that they needed to mediate as quickly and often as possible with a warm body's "proof" that they were worthy of something.
So when Proverbs says something like "Hey men - stay the heck away from women like that, they are only gonna kill you." I see that as just good advice. Sorta like saying to women, "Hey ladies, don't go to frat party alone those boys are often up to no good" is just good advice.
I also think it tells me, "Hey Paula, is this who you really want to be? Do you really think that being desirable is what you really want? Take a careful look at the price tag for both you and those around you - because it is not cheap."
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
First Church Experience in Indiana
I went to church for the first time since the move this last Sunday. It isn't that I haven't wanted to go - it's something about moving and boxes and being entirely out of a routine that's kept me away. Every week I would think "I really need to go to church" and every week it would be Sunday at 11:00 and I would realize that the window had closed.
But what got me off my tuckus and to the church service, was the fact that one of my colleagues was speaking.
Ok - a quick side note - Can I just say how awesome it is to work at this practice?? We prayed together to open and close the staff meeting. Did you hear that??? At my JOB we prayed at a staff meeting! If that weren't enough, I met up with another of my colleagues to discuss transfer of cases and we spent probably half the meeting talking about how God is working in us and in the community. And at no time did either one of us feel the need to justify ourselves as still competent professionals or just generally non-judgmental people. Well, maybe I felt the need to (old habits die hard) but I didn't actually do any justifying and he didn't seem to care. Hallelujiah!
So back to the story...
One of my colleagues, David Smith, was speaking at the service. Now I knew through snippets that David had a interesting tale to tell; that he had walked with God through a time of being pastor for a church and had lost a child. I also knew that he was going to speak on suffering, despite (as his wife put it ) telling God he would not speak on suffering. You know its going to be good when God does something like that - He ain't foolin around. So I was NOT going to miss it.
So I was there - two Bibles in hand (my big study Bible and my little purse Bible; overkill I know - but I really didn't know what to expect). The venue was so strange - everything was different and yet familiar. I mean Canyon is huge; stadium seating, separate children's facility, 5 big screens, a full rock band, etc. This service was maybe 75 people with a projector in this room they typically used for faculty meetings. Yet we sang some familiar songs and prayed together. The church was in crisis a bit because a new baby among the church family, little Lily Frost, was sick (meningitis) and we prayed for her, her parents, the doctors, you name it. It was so warm and comfortable. I remember half-way through the service realizing that this was a little glimpse of a heaven - a room full of the faces I would see and the brothers and sisters with whom I would share eternity. You know this life is hard and being a Christian is not always easy, but moments like that - standing in a room full of basically strangers, in a new state, by myself still feeling a deep sense of connection and belonging - *sigh* there are some benefits, aren't there?
And then David begins speaking and he poses two questions: (1) Why does God allow suffering? and (2) Where is God in my suffering?.
Immediately two of my nearest and dearest come to mind. The first question brought my Leslie up. There was a pivotal moment in my relationship with Leslie where we were talking about my faith. Les often asked about my faith and listened intently. One day, she asked how I reconciled a loving God, who was active in the affairs of the world, with the suffering I see all around me - I gave some answer, I don't remember what, but I do remember her response. It was something like - "I've heard that before. And it works if we are talking about the small sufferings of my life, but it does nothing to explain the fact that God didn't stop those men in Africa from raiding homes, raping and killing families with small children over and over again." And though she didn't say it - hanging there was a question "Where was your God then?" And in a way I never saw before, I saw Leslie's heart, bleeding compassion and rage for those children and families. No shallow, American version of understanding suffering was going to work. She needed something she could bite into - something that didn't diminish the suffering of those people or paint something so atrocious using rosy, bright sided optimism.
So the Leslie from that moment lives with me. She will not let my soul settle for anything less. So listening to David speak - there she was, right next to me, listening. And though I cannot tell you whether or not the real Leslie would be satisfied with what David offered, I can tell you that I was satisfied. First, he said something like "all pain is the result of sin, sin that we all contribute to". For example, those men in Africa who did all that murdering and hating - they weren't born that angry, something made them angry. Maybe watching their parents struggle to feed their family or watching 3 of their siblings die of malaria or their fathers and uncles die in war.So it is really sin (personal sins against them, and more global sins like greed and selfishness) that causes those atrocities. Second, he said something like "and this fact means that we are living in a dead and dying world." Death and dying means = loss and tragedy = suffering. Thus, we end up with the truth that it is our poor choices that has created suffering. So why doesn't God remove our choice? The answer is that choice is what defines humanity. According to Biblical narrative, to remove our ability to choose - removes our ability to be human, to love, to anything. And God will not sacrifice our humanity no matter the cost, it was the purpose of our creation. Now perhaps you disagree with the price tag, but God does not.
What he did not say, but I will add - is what I call the good news of suffering. Specifically, that God DOES have a plan for this dead and dying world. He has not stood by inactive, allowing sin to swallow the world and pain to win. This plan honors our humanity and still allows for healing. His plan is REDEMPTION! To pay the price to be united to us; to heal the sin. The Biblical narrative does not diminish suffering, it states that God was was willing to pay any price to end it.
The second question brought my Jackie to mind. Walking along side her through the journey of grief has been challenging. It brings the reality of suffering from concept to lived experience. I have literally stood by as someone has felt abandoned by God to suffering - stood by as someone has cried out "WHERE ARE YOU?!?!" And I gotta tell you, my response has not always been good. I do not want to feel that way and as a result I do not want Jackie to feel that way. I want to make that moment about something she is doing wrong or something we can easily fix. But turns out, that is an incredibly shallow and selfish response.
And David - in the gentlest, realest way - helped me to see that. He pointed out that Christ himself felt abandoned by God and cried out to Him "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" He pointed out that God does not always show up with audible encouragement or a felt presence at the crisis moments for those who love him in the Bible. Many feel incredibly alone. So where is God in their suffering?
What you have to ask yourself is this, did God truly abandon these folks? Is the story that Joseph was abandoned in prison? Or that Job died in his misery? Was God not in Jesus sacrifice on the cross? Did he truly abandon him to suffering?
And what I figured out from those questions, is that the zenith of our suffering - though it may feel final - is only the middle of the story. Hope is coming. One more time - Hope IS coming.
Oh there was so much more my friends. Pages and pages more - where he spoke to the ways in which we as a church family can diminish each other in our pain - calling suffering "a lesson" or "a punishment" or a result of our "lack of faith". Or when he spoke to the ways that Jesus intimately knows and experienced suffering on this earth or bore the sin of the world in His body. But alas, I have gone on long enough for today and need to get back to work.
BTW - I am going to church this Sunday. No more tuckus sitting for me.
I love you all.
But what got me off my tuckus and to the church service, was the fact that one of my colleagues was speaking.
Ok - a quick side note - Can I just say how awesome it is to work at this practice?? We prayed together to open and close the staff meeting. Did you hear that??? At my JOB we prayed at a staff meeting! If that weren't enough, I met up with another of my colleagues to discuss transfer of cases and we spent probably half the meeting talking about how God is working in us and in the community. And at no time did either one of us feel the need to justify ourselves as still competent professionals or just generally non-judgmental people. Well, maybe I felt the need to (old habits die hard) but I didn't actually do any justifying and he didn't seem to care. Hallelujiah!
So back to the story...
One of my colleagues, David Smith, was speaking at the service. Now I knew through snippets that David had a interesting tale to tell; that he had walked with God through a time of being pastor for a church and had lost a child. I also knew that he was going to speak on suffering, despite (as his wife put it ) telling God he would not speak on suffering. You know its going to be good when God does something like that - He ain't foolin around. So I was NOT going to miss it.
So I was there - two Bibles in hand (my big study Bible and my little purse Bible; overkill I know - but I really didn't know what to expect). The venue was so strange - everything was different and yet familiar. I mean Canyon is huge; stadium seating, separate children's facility, 5 big screens, a full rock band, etc. This service was maybe 75 people with a projector in this room they typically used for faculty meetings. Yet we sang some familiar songs and prayed together. The church was in crisis a bit because a new baby among the church family, little Lily Frost, was sick (meningitis) and we prayed for her, her parents, the doctors, you name it. It was so warm and comfortable. I remember half-way through the service realizing that this was a little glimpse of a heaven - a room full of the faces I would see and the brothers and sisters with whom I would share eternity. You know this life is hard and being a Christian is not always easy, but moments like that - standing in a room full of basically strangers, in a new state, by myself still feeling a deep sense of connection and belonging - *sigh* there are some benefits, aren't there?
And then David begins speaking and he poses two questions: (1) Why does God allow suffering? and (2) Where is God in my suffering?.
Immediately two of my nearest and dearest come to mind. The first question brought my Leslie up. There was a pivotal moment in my relationship with Leslie where we were talking about my faith. Les often asked about my faith and listened intently. One day, she asked how I reconciled a loving God, who was active in the affairs of the world, with the suffering I see all around me - I gave some answer, I don't remember what, but I do remember her response. It was something like - "I've heard that before. And it works if we are talking about the small sufferings of my life, but it does nothing to explain the fact that God didn't stop those men in Africa from raiding homes, raping and killing families with small children over and over again." And though she didn't say it - hanging there was a question "Where was your God then?" And in a way I never saw before, I saw Leslie's heart, bleeding compassion and rage for those children and families. No shallow, American version of understanding suffering was going to work. She needed something she could bite into - something that didn't diminish the suffering of those people or paint something so atrocious using rosy, bright sided optimism.
So the Leslie from that moment lives with me. She will not let my soul settle for anything less. So listening to David speak - there she was, right next to me, listening. And though I cannot tell you whether or not the real Leslie would be satisfied with what David offered, I can tell you that I was satisfied. First, he said something like "all pain is the result of sin, sin that we all contribute to". For example, those men in Africa who did all that murdering and hating - they weren't born that angry, something made them angry. Maybe watching their parents struggle to feed their family or watching 3 of their siblings die of malaria or their fathers and uncles die in war.So it is really sin (personal sins against them, and more global sins like greed and selfishness) that causes those atrocities. Second, he said something like "and this fact means that we are living in a dead and dying world." Death and dying means = loss and tragedy = suffering. Thus, we end up with the truth that it is our poor choices that has created suffering. So why doesn't God remove our choice? The answer is that choice is what defines humanity. According to Biblical narrative, to remove our ability to choose - removes our ability to be human, to love, to anything. And God will not sacrifice our humanity no matter the cost, it was the purpose of our creation. Now perhaps you disagree with the price tag, but God does not.
What he did not say, but I will add - is what I call the good news of suffering. Specifically, that God DOES have a plan for this dead and dying world. He has not stood by inactive, allowing sin to swallow the world and pain to win. This plan honors our humanity and still allows for healing. His plan is REDEMPTION! To pay the price to be united to us; to heal the sin. The Biblical narrative does not diminish suffering, it states that God was was willing to pay any price to end it.
The second question brought my Jackie to mind. Walking along side her through the journey of grief has been challenging. It brings the reality of suffering from concept to lived experience. I have literally stood by as someone has felt abandoned by God to suffering - stood by as someone has cried out "WHERE ARE YOU?!?!" And I gotta tell you, my response has not always been good. I do not want to feel that way and as a result I do not want Jackie to feel that way. I want to make that moment about something she is doing wrong or something we can easily fix. But turns out, that is an incredibly shallow and selfish response.
And David - in the gentlest, realest way - helped me to see that. He pointed out that Christ himself felt abandoned by God and cried out to Him "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" He pointed out that God does not always show up with audible encouragement or a felt presence at the crisis moments for those who love him in the Bible. Many feel incredibly alone. So where is God in their suffering?
What you have to ask yourself is this, did God truly abandon these folks? Is the story that Joseph was abandoned in prison? Or that Job died in his misery? Was God not in Jesus sacrifice on the cross? Did he truly abandon him to suffering?
And what I figured out from those questions, is that the zenith of our suffering - though it may feel final - is only the middle of the story. Hope is coming. One more time - Hope IS coming.
Oh there was so much more my friends. Pages and pages more - where he spoke to the ways in which we as a church family can diminish each other in our pain - calling suffering "a lesson" or "a punishment" or a result of our "lack of faith". Or when he spoke to the ways that Jesus intimately knows and experienced suffering on this earth or bore the sin of the world in His body. But alas, I have gone on long enough for today and need to get back to work.
BTW - I am going to church this Sunday. No more tuckus sitting for me.
I love you all.
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