Dr. King and Mr. Rock

This morning I've been drinking my coffee and watching The Sunday Morning Show. They featured two, quite different, but impactful African-American men (although, I think they would both refer to themselves as Black): Martin Luther King Jr. and Chris Rock.

Now I am guessing you probably would not expect to find these two names side by side. And I, by no means, intend to compare them to one another - but they did both teach me something this morning.

First featured, was a story on the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr. Because this happened so long before I was born, I've had embarrassingly little exposure to his life or the circumstances around his death. For example, I've heard and was moved by his famous I Have a Dream speech. I also knew he was a Christian reverend, spoke during he civil rights movement and was assassinated. What I was not really aware of, is how ugly White America looked at this time. AMERICAN people embracing the swastika! A presidential candidate saying things like "Segregation now, segregation forever." Seriously?! I mean SERIOUSLY the swastika! Didn't we remember fighting a war against the evil behind that symbol not even 25 years before???? What are we capable of?

I was also unaware of the "I am a Man" march, in which Dr. King took part. Just before his death, Dr. King was focused on ending poverty and his last march was alongside sanitation workers in Memphis who were working under deplorable conditions. They walked (non-violently) through the streets with signs simply saying "I am a Man". Beautiful.

But look at us - guns? Tanks? Because some men are marching with signs claiming to be human? Seriously??? Perhpas those tanks were there to protect those men, but even then - what does that say about who they needed to be protected from!

Tears dripped off my chin. Who are we? Lord, why would you bother with us?

And then, his assassination. And Lord, why? Why him? Your child? Speaking so dynamically on Your behalf?? If you were ever going to intervene, why not James Earl Ray's gun? Or have him picked up and sent back jail two days before (he was an escaped convict)? Oh Lord, what a loss. What a loss...

And then! And THEN! They referred (on the Sunday morning show) to Dr. King's values as "Gandhian." Now, I am not saying that Gandhi is a bad man to  be compared to, he was a beautiful man - but I am pretty sure that is a ridiculous (and from my perspective insulting) oversight. Dr. King was a Christian - a Baptist reverend, who frequently quoted the Bible. And I am nearly 100% sure that if you asked him whose values he represented, it would have been Jesus Christ.

I mean seriously? Seriously? If we have to bear up under the fact that misguided Christians send their children off to "Jesus Camp" to learn how to hate people, or show up at funerals with "God Hates Fags" signs, or attend segregation (or now anti-Hispanic) rallies, gold crosses dangling around their necks - Can we at least keep those of us who really walk the Christian life out???? Those of us who are willing to risk (and in some cases lay down) our lives for Christ's sake?

Again -Lord, why do you bother with us? I gotta tell you, when you see us - I mean really take a cold hard look at who we are, the wrath of God is not hard to understand. If I was so radically misrepresented and every good thing I was part of was stolen or distorted - I'd have some pretty justifiable rage. The whole "flood the Earth, she'd be better off without humans" - thing makes complete sense. I mean we as humans know it! (Check out the Terminator series, or The Matrix, 2001 a Space Odyssey, or Brave New World, or 1984, or Anthem or....) Lord, we make no sense! We are so cruel and blind and self-centered.

Then The Sunday Morning Show wrapped up that peice and went to comerical.
When they came back, I was staring at the face of Chris Rock. He has a beautiful smile - perfectly white, straight teeth. And it's a little bit crooked and his eyes twinkle like a mischievious 11 year old. And they showed a clip from one of his stand up acts (my favorite actually), when he says each bullet should cost $5000. "You pay $5000, they're aint no innocent bystanders". And he is so wise and so irreverent and so funny and so honest, all at the same time.

And they were interviewing Mr. Rock about his decision to take a chance on a acting gig on Broadway. And he was so sweet and humble and funny. And he said something really wise - that being rich isn't about having money, but about having options. And I thought, "he is so right".

After these couple of moments, I went upstairs to get ready for church and I was praying in the shower out of my sadness for this world. Crying out to God, a big "Why bother with us?" And then I saw that goofy Chris Rock smile and I felt God reply:

Just for the chance to be with him. Just for the chance for him to be everything that I made him to be.

And I realized (again) just how much God loves us. Just how much he is willing to take, to provide for us the mere opportunity for healing and wholeness. And my heart was filled with gratitude and forgiveness - God loves, it's more than what He does it's who He is. He puts up with all of our wretched brokenness and keeps pouring out love.

Exposing the Wizard

Hello Family - sorry I have been away.

There are a lot of reasons for my absence, mostly it has to do with the nature of my walk with God right now - in that I find it to be a generally private time, where I've been called to really struggle somethings out without making it public.Perhaps the insights gained will make their way into a future post.

But I did want to post about something that has really been pressing on my heart over the past few weeks. Actually, I guess it's been thematically present since my return to Vegas. It's this this pressure I feel between my professional and personal selves.Specifically, I've been reflecting on a trend in psychology where we normalize and validate to help folks feel better, instead of helping them actually be better. I think this conflict arises from the fact that in order to help someone be better - you imply that there is some objective standard for determining what is "good" (or if your really PC you say "healthy") for someone and what is "bad" ("unhealthy") for someone. In psychology, we are really touchy about this stuff because we've imposed a lot of our Caucasian, educated, affluent cultural standards as the bar for "good" or "healthy" behavior, when in fact it was just our cultural biases.

For example, living with your parents until you are 30 is not OK in Caucasian culture - you are supposed to grow up and get out - that is "healthy." However, this is not "healthy" in many other cultures where living with your extended family is quite "healthy" throughout the lifetime. So for decades, Caucasian psychologists would tell minority folks they need to grow up and get out in order to be healthy, when this actually quite atypical and costly in the persons culture.

I think these mistakes have pressed psychologists into a place of believing in relativism - which is "Who am I to say what is healthy or unhealthy? What is good or bad is relative to the person in a given context, isn't it? And my job is really to help them identify their own good/bad, right?" This sounds all fine and dandy, accept that: (1) it isn't true and (2) it isn't helpful.

"What do you mean?" you ask. I mean that I don't believe for one second that what is truly good or bad, healthy or unhealthy varies based on the context. For example, in no context is manipulating, lying and conniving other people in order to meet your needs "healthy" or "good." It may be understandable, it may be normal, it may very well be the best you could do that that given moment; but it is not, nor was it ever, "healthy" or "good."

The problem arises in therapy, when we confuse normal, understandable, and best effort with healthy, good and wise. Those things are not the same thing and convincing our clients that they are is not helpful to them.

So now we come back to the original problem, and that is choosing our standard of measure. If you are going to have an idea of what a "good," "healthy," "wise" choice looks like; or contrarily "bad," "unhealthy," "unwise" choice looks like, where are you getting that idea? Prevailing dominant cultural norms? Clearly a bad point of reference. So where then?

You must all know now what my answer is - it's in the person and message of Jesus Christ. It's in who He was and how He lived. It's in what He taught and what He did. This is quite a controversial admission, as a psychologist; because basically, I am saying that health is looking more like Jesus, that making wise choices is making choices like Jesus, that being good is acting like Jesus.

And I guess I am just trying to work this thing out; conflicted about the fact that a great number of my colleagues would attack this very idea - worried that I might shame a woman whose had an abortion, or ridicule a man for being gay (I realize this represents a very limited and inaccurate reflection of what it means to act like Christ - but that's a point for a later post).I am also angry, because what they offer as replacement to me is BS (i.e., that everything is relative). And I am disappointed. Because there is so much fear here. Fear of being honest about who we really are and what we really believe; all hidden behind the mask of relativism. I got news, relativism is a curtain... there is a Wizard of Oz back there whose just a little person, with values and morals and ideas about what is good and bad. Come on out! Let's really expose the Wizard.

#70 Aarti Party

You know God loves you when He orchestrates an entire season of the Food Network Star just to provide you with a Chicken Tikka Masala recipe. Okay, maybe it wasn't all about me - but it sure felt that way eating Aarti's recipe for dinner Sunday night at my folks house. I literally could have licked the plate. I was making all of my "isn't this the most delicious thing you've ever consumed" noises. Yumo. Thank you Aarti!

#71 My Mom's cooking

I realize that most people love their Mama's cooking, but I am not joking when I say my mom is an amazing cook. She will take on almost any cooking challenge, she is totally un-intimidated in the kitchen. The result of this approach, a sea of delicious (and new) food! Yay for me.

#72 Green Moutain's Wild Mountain Blueberry coffee

#73 Noosa Yoghurt - Raspberry flavor

If a person can have a yoghurt soul mate, I've found mine.

#74 Being called brave by a man (and dear friend) serving in Afghanistan.

Honestly, there is absolutely nothing like earning the respect of someone who really understands the meaning of bravery and service. I am entirely humbled.

#75 The "I am Second" website.

Seriously, check it out.

Feet washing

I had my feet washed on Thursday at WOW.

For weeks the leadership had been talking about serving the women in this way, a real enactment of the events that proceeded Easter. I had hoped to serve by washing feet, but because I was co-leading the large group it was suggested that other leaders volunteer for these positions. When thinking about others partaking, it seemed really beautiful - like a way to serve them. I envisioned those getting their feet washed feeling pampered and loved on.

This was in stark contrast to my own feelings about having my feet washed. Specifically, the minute this got announced, I began to worry my co-leader might try to wash my feet on the stage in front of everybody. My co-leader also happens to be the head of our section of WOW, Kim. The idea of Kim, someone I respect deeply, washing my feet made me want to crawl under a rock. No thank you.

But once the day arrived, there was no bucket on the stage - so I felt pretty confident I had dodged that bullet. And I was really sure when she didn't say anything about it as we were talking. Whew!

So I wander back to my seat and notice that absolutely no one is going to the feet washing stations. Ten beautiful women are sitting there, ready to wash and no one is going. This is certainly not going the way I had scripted in my head.

Then I started thinking about the Bible scene. We don't have a lot of detail about what most of the disciples were thinking. But my favorite disciple, Peter, spoke my feelings perfectly:

John 13: 4-10

so [Jesus] got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.

(I can imagine what I would be thinking at this moment... 'What is he doing! He looks like a servant! Oh, no! Oh, no! He's going to try to wash my feet. There is no way I can let him wash my feet!)

He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, "Lord are you going to wash my feet?"

(Translated: 'Jesus, this is bad plan. You are the leader here, and I am totally uncomfortable with you washing my feet.')

Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."

"No," said Peter,"you shall never wash my feet."

(Translated: 'I know exactly what you are doing, you are acting like my servant! That makes me uncomfortable and it is totally backward. I am not going to do this.')

Jesus answered, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me."

"Then, Lord," Simon Peter replied, "not just my feet but my hands and my head as well."

(Translated: (inside) Oh crap! He's serious. (spoken) If I have to do this, let's make this less like you are serving me and more like a baptism. )

Jesus answered, "Those who have had a bath need only to wash their feet; their whole body is clean."

(Translated: You've already had one baptism Peter, you don't need another. This is something different and you aren't getting out of it.)

After this all occurred to me, I realized that there is something really spiritually powerful - and initially unpleasant - about getting your feet washed. It was the disciples' (and possible our) first act of rejecting the order of this world. When Jesus washed the disciple's feet, he powerfully demonstrated the upside down nature of the gospel - the King is the Sacrifice, the Leader is the Servant, the 1st is the last. In this world, leaders don't wash servants feet, Kings don't die for their subjects - but in the Kingdom they do. That is the new way.

So... I got my feet washed. And it was initially really hard - I wanted to stop Jayme (my feet washer) and say "No, no, let me!" But I didn't. And she prayed over me and I cried. And I left a little more a citizen of the Kingdom of Heaven.

Affection

I was teaching yesterday on primary and secondary reinforcers. Briefly, a primary reinforcer is something that we (humans) find rewarding naturally (i.e., food, water, sex, etc.). A secondary reinforcer, on the other hand, is something that we only find rewarding due to it's association with a primary reinforcer. Money is a perfect example - people don't love money because we pop out of the womb having an affinity for little green slips of paper, we love money because of what we think it can get us.

Well for a very long time, it was thought that affection (hugging, cuddling, etc.) was a secondary reinforcer developed through it's association with food during nursing. But a very bright scientist, Dr. Harry Harlow, did an experiment that challenged all that (Check it out here). It's results were astounding, basically he found that not only is affection a primary reinforcer - it is THE primary reinforcer; it is exponentially more desirable than food! In short, our desire for it looks almost insatiable.

I was telling my students this calls everything we assume about "good enough" parenting into question. Basically, to be a good parent is a whole lot more than just "putting a roof over their head and filling mouths with food." Then, out of nowhere (I've never said this in another lecture and I've taught this material more times than I can count), I said "and this ought to make you really suspicious of anyone who says they 'don't need people' or 'don't like to be affectionate,' because they are basically saying they don't need something that looks foundational to life."

This really got me thinking about affection, security, and the fall. About all of the people I've known and the ways that I, myself, have tried to deny my need for affection or to live without affection. About this ache that I feel to be entirely loved, all of the time and how ridiculously unattainable that desire is in the world as we know it.

I was reading C.S. Lewis' The Weight of Glory last night. In it he discusses how our desires are rooted in possibilities (not necessarily actualities). Basically, he was saying that if you see someone who is hungry you can pretty much assume food exists - not necessarily that that particular man will be fed but that the possibility of being fed exists. Similarly, I wonder if this huge ache for all encompassing affection means that the possibility of it's satiation exists. And if so what that means?

I think the Christian faith provides a pretty compelling answer that (1) our ache is real (a reflection of the brokenness of the world and us), (2) our ache is meaningful (it reflects a possibility of satiation) and (3) our ache will be fulfilled (through ultimate reunification with God).

Nichole Nordeman

Here are two songs that are resonating for me today, both by artist Nichole Nordeman.

Legacy

I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much

I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthy list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy

Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one

Beautiful for Me

Every girl young and old has to face her own reflection
Twirl around, stare it down
What’s the mirror gonna say
With some luck, you’ll measure up
But you might not hold a candle to the rest
“Is that your best?” says the mirror to the mess
But there’s a whisper in the noise
Can you hear a little voice
and he says

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me

If it’s true beauty lies in the eye of the beholder
I want my life and what’s inside to give him something to behold
I want a heart that’s captivating
I wanna hear my Father say

Close your eyes
Look inside
Let me see the you that you’ve been trying to hide
Long ago, I made you so very beautiful
So I ought to know you’re beautiful

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