Update - Family Pictures

Hello Beautiful and Loved Family.

I have so much personal information to catch you up on! First and foremost, Merry Christmas to all of you! It has the potential to be such a miraculous time of the year! Enjoy it as much as possible!

Also, the Francis Clan visited Muncie, IN (along with Marion and Belleville, IL) over the Thanksgiving holiday. Outside of having a restful and restorative time with some of those closest to us, I also was offered a job. Yes - you read correctly, David, Syd and I may be making our way to Indiana this summer. It's bitter sweet in that I love so very many people in Vegas (my parents in particular), but it is the realization of my professional and many of our personal dreams. So I am experiencing a combination of elation and depression. I imagine this is terribly confusing for anyone who tries to say congratulations or express some form of sympathy - sorry, if you've been the receiving end of either of those circumstances. I will keep you updated on the progress of this decision.

While we were there, we had some family pictures taken by my incredibly talented cousin. I am so incredibly blessed to be on the receiving end of her talent free of charge - I think we are on a sliding scale though, and will likely have to pay next year! Here are some pictures for you to take a look at:

This one is my FAVORITE and will be appearing in large form on my wall:



Another good one:



Yes, we are just that cute:



The next few are Sydney being incredibly beautiful and far older than she is allowed to be:







And David and I:



Finally, us at the end of the day - so truly Sydney!



(Don't miss me either! I must give her that look 100 times a day!)

Anyway - Love you all. Will get on to write something important soon.

Things Happen

Hello Beloved Ones,

I've been captivated recently by the impact of small actions. In my profession I talk to people a lot about the injuries that they carry around for a life time. Some of these injuries are big and bad - I mean they wouldn't go by without someone noticing. Like a lady who revealed in therapy recently that her mother tried to kill her when she was nine. Or another therapy client of mine whose mother repeatedly told her that she had "ruined her life." That sorta stuff you wouldn't miss.

But you wouldn't believe how much of our pain as people is subtle and honestly how much more insidious that kinda damage is. For example, I had a client who's mother and father were basically good people but they got it in their minds when she was about 15, that she was a "trouble maker". Now don't get me wrong, it's not like she didn't do anything to deserve the label (i.e., a little partying and lying, you know the teenage drill). However, that label has blinded her parents for the last 9 years. They've ignored her, discounted her desires, shamed her. This, maybe even accurate, label has created a wedge so deep that this girl was raped and the last people on earth she would tell are her parents. Why? Because she assumes (maybe rightly, I don't know) that they would blame her. That some how it would all boil down to her poor decision making.

Or another woman I know who struggles with body image. Family seems generally compassionate and solid. But do you know what the women do during family get togethers? They sit around and gossip about whose gained weight or lost weight. Or "You know John, he's having another affair. Everyone knows. But can you blame him, his wife barely tries to look good. I mean does she even shave..." And this gossip, not even about this woman, has wedged its way so deep in her psyche that she primps and weighs and worries, she just wants to feel valuable in a way that wont change if her beauty fades or she gains 50 lbs.

Its so ugly. And its when I see the damage done to these people that I start to get why sin (any sin at all) is such a big deal. You know. Cause sometimes I wonder, 'yo God? Is that time I lied such a big deal? Why? It saved that person's feelings or it saved me from unnecessary anxiety.' Or 'How on Earth, could God feel such anger at people? I mean do we really deserve "wrath"? That sounds so harsh.'

But what I am realizing more and more is that our sin, all of the ways we betray God and betray each other, always has a negative impact and its a whole lot bigger than we want to imagine it is. The very ugly truth is that we have all said and done something at some point (probably large amounts of somethings) that has damaged someone significantly, we've all bitten the apple.

I think I know when I bit the apple. I am sure I made some mistakes before this moment, but if in heaven we all get to watch our own personal "falls" I am pretty sure this is mine. It seems so small, you know normal preteen stuff but I know it was big. I knew it was big even then. I was 11 or 12. There was the boy named Kent in my class. Cute, smart, funny but not one of the 7th grade in-crowd. Not popular at all. One day, Kent sent me a note that asked me if I would be his girlfriend with the little check boxes (check yes or no). I didn't check either. Instead, because of my own wretched insecurity, I mocked him. I FREAKIN MOCKED HIM. I showed everyone that stupid note and talked about how disgusted I was at his asking.

And you know what's weird, I remember when I got that note and I was holding it in my hand. Before anyone knew and Kent was sitting there, probably so nervous and excited, I felt the choice. I knew what I should do and I chose not to. I fell, I definitely fell.

Kent was devastated of course. I socially murdered him. His older sister hated me for years, I sincerely think she contemplated beating the tar out of me. I remember we got caught in the hall behind the sanctuary together one day and she said "I know what you did." I wanted to crawl under the pew and vomit. She knew what I had done. She saw me.

As for Kent, I am sure if you asked him now he at least remembers it. My sincere prayer is that the damage was temporary, but my knowledge of people tells me that it may not have been. I may be the reason some grown man can't initiate a relationship without feeling like he is going to be disemboweled.

I don't think I ever made eye contact with him again. And we were in class together for almost two more years. I wonder what he made of that. I knew I was wrong, I knew I should apologize, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I am still so sorry about it. I wonder if he could've ever believed me. Or if my apology would have a prayer of healing the damage?

I gotta tell you folks, I think this is what Christianity is all about answering. Is there hope? Because 100% of us have both delivered and received wounds just like this. And with all of us wondering around wounded and wounding, who can save us? Is there any remedy? Is there healing?

And so when I say Jesus is my Savior, or Jesus is the Savior of the World, I am saying that something about His person and His story is the answer, the healing, the remedy. That there is hope for Kent because of Jesus. That there is hope for me and my clients and you. He offers the hope that we can all be healed.

Offended and hating it

Hello Beautiful Friends,

I've been having a bit of a rough patch spiritually speaking. I've generally felt far from God and a bit lost. This (of course) correlates to a falling back into old patterns of being. For example, it's been since August that I've been diligent about Bible study.

The weird thing about it is that I know exactly when it started. It started AT Bible study. I was talking to my group of Bible study women about part of study that I found a bit harsh - it was calling people prostitutes (or playing the harlot) if they were having sex outside of marriage. I was commenting on how we should elaborate on the term prostitute and what exactly was being articulated in the Scriptures - and then one of the ladies said that she would "take that into consideration" but she didn't think we should be "compromising" or "apologizing" about the Scripture.

In process, I felt very disregarded and disrespected. I also felt misunderstood and angry. In short - I was offended.

And that offense, I let the sun go down on it. I've continued and continued to let the sun go down on it. I have not forgiven. I have harbored this little sting of bitterness - nothing glaring mind you, but just a little bitty bit of spite. My, my, my can one drop of un-forgiveness go a long, long way.

I also am pretty sure God has a thing or two to say about letting offenses, particularly from our brothers and sisters, fester. What is it? Something like "if you are making and offering and you realize that there is an offense between you and your brother - drop the offering, go make things right and then come back to make your offering." I also think there is something about God's forgiveness being tied to our forgiveness of others.

Ah, ha - so perhaps I need to do some owning and forgiving.

Father God,
I am so sorry. I am sorry that I am holding a grudge against my sister. My pride can get so out of control sometimes, it wants so badly to be perceived as wise. I choose to humble myself before you now, I let go of this offense. I want to be near to you more than I want to be right. I love you.
Amen.

Songs you should check out

Your Love Brandon Heath

What Love Really Means JJ Heller

If You Want Me To Ginny Owens

Hold Us Together Matt Maher

My Own Little World Mathew West

Stuck in my craw

The post I made Thursday has really been stuck in my craw. I keep thinking about it and feeling very vulnerable. I've read it over and over again, trying to figure out if I meant everything I said, worried that one or more of you might question my salvation or feel insulted.

Clearly, something is not sitting well with me about that post.

I thought I might take it down, end the worry. But I decided this morning - that instead of taking it down, I would do a little exercise in self-examination and vulnerability. So here we go...

So Paula, what exactly is sticking in your craw?

Well I am afraid of being judged poorly by those who I love and respect.

And, why do you think that is?

Well, first off, the honest truth is that I question many things that many of my brothers and sisters in faith don't question, or at least don't question publicly. This makes me afraid that if I question those things - for example, the Sinner's Prayer - that I will be rejected and something of incredible significance to me will be judged - my relationship with God. I want to keep both myself and my relationship with God safe but I also want to be transparent about my faith walk. In this last post I took a risk to be transparent, but I also left myself open to judgment and that is going to leave me feeling vulnerable.

Is that it?

I think that's partly it. I also think that I showed another part of myself in that post that I didn't initially intend to expose. Specifically, if you look carefully you can see the really negative stereotypes I carry around about the Church. And if I am going to say it, I might as well say it, the large bulk of my impressions of the Church have been bad.

I realize that this is not Godly, that God loves the Church. I also realize that the Church isn't some group of people over there, that I am the Church. So this is going to cause me some trouble - because I am now a part of a group with whom I have historically held some significant negative feelings.

What sort of things have troubled you about the Church?

Well, from my perspective the Church has always represented self-righteousness, hypocrisy, legalism, and denial. I think the last post really exposes this impression of the Church (i.e., turning salvation into a series of hoops to jump through, internal back biting about who is right, pride, etc.). However, what is true is that, though I have run into those who confirm my fears, I have also run into a great number of those who do not.

So I think part of the reason that this last post is stuck in my craw, is because I know I presented an incomplete picture of the Church. Because I know the reaction I was having was to my own internal (and very negatively biased view) of what the Church is about. And I think I need to apologize for that. I am sorry sisters. I know that I would not want to be judged based on the worst behavior of my brothers and sisters and I will not judge you.

Lord,

Heal me of my broken spirit with regard to your Church. Help me see her as You see her, beloved and holy. I know that she is not as she will be - but You are not a God who calls us as we are, but a God who calls us as we were meant to be. I love you for that. Help me to extend the same grace to my fellow believers and all of your creation.

Amen.

Salvation

I've been avoiding writing on this topic. Largely because I have a hard time understanding the way that Christianity generally preaches this message, specifically that being saved can be boiled down to a prayer you say that has specific elements (e.g., I am sinner, I am sorry, I believe Jesus is Your son, I believe he died for my sins and that you rose Him from the dead, please take my life, I want to be yours, etc.)

Actually, looking at this list itself - I don't have any issues with the list. They are all beautiful and essential pieces of salvation, of knowing God and our Savior in their fullest. I think what does bother me is an implicit message that we send when we make the prayer into a static list of things you must say. Specifically, it has always made me feel like we are trying to make God into a genie that responds only to a certain set of commands. Like a scene in Backyardigans Episode my daughter just watched where the genie would not grant your request UNLESS you said "I wish" in front of it. This does two really bad things to the message of salvation.

First, it minimizes God. Specifically, this is the God of the universe we are talking about here! He sees through all of our bull straight into our hearts and from what I can tell what the Bible and this prayer are trying to tell us, is that if we will call to Him in our brokenness and except His message, His plan, His way above our own message, our own plan, our own way - He is faithful to meet us and change us and be with us forever.

Second, it places our salvation into our hands. Let me give you some context to illustrate this point. You know all of the stuff in Christendom where we argue about what exactly is necessary to be saved. Some places you must say the sinners prayer, others say the sinners prayer and be baptized, some you have to say the sinners prayer and walk forward in church, some you have to receive the gift of tounges. You know what the problem is with all of this, it places the responsibility for our salvation in the things that we do or do not do. For example, I was in the car with a Christian friend of mine when I told her I never did the come forward thing at church... "uh, uh" I could see in her eyes - "That's the WRONG way to do salvaton." We can also get caught up in the prayer, authenticating one another's faith, "Well did you say this part? If you didn't say this part then your not in?" Or "Did you really understand this part? If you didn't really understand that part then your definitely not saved." Are we serious?? Is this how we really think the God of universe, Jesus Christ our Savior, intended us to approach salvation - in this endless cycle of doubt? Prodding each other with suspicous questions? I gotta tell you, it is one of THE MOST unattractive qualities of the Christian church today and it is not bringing one soul any closer to Christ.

I think this is why we are told to put on the helmet of salvation in the Bible. Not because we are confident in the way we said the sinners prayer or the way our denomination preaches salvation (all people, all broken) but because we are confident in our Savior's faithfulness. We are assured of His righteousness. Because at the moment of salvation we are not right. If salvation is about getting right or doing it right we are all doomed! The only way to describe us at any moment before God is at the center of our lives is wrong, lost, or broken. Salvation is about the end of denying that and resting securely in the knowledge that our Amazing and Faithful God loves us anyway and is faithful to wash us clean. We are meant to KNOW that he is faithful to save, not that we are faithful to have said the sinners prayer the right way.

I get the sense that the sinners prayer was written as a means to simplify and assure worried souls that they were doing it right. And that is so, so noble. Hush child - you've said all you need to say, you are His now. But without understanding it is Christ alone who saves - it can easily become a lie, another trap the enemy uses to keep us believing in ourselves instead of Christ.

Jackie's Wedding Update

Jackie sent me this picture from her wedding a few weeks back. She entitled it "A Picture of Redemption." To give you some context, the is a picture of the moment when hail fell at Jackie's wedding and is described fully in my blog post entitled "Jackie's Wedding (Part II)". You can actually see the hail (it's the sparkly drops) and the joy - check out our faces.

What a great reminder of God's love! We are such lucky ladies.

The Great Romance

I went on a retreat last weekend with Calvary Chapel Spring Valley's women's ministry. We devoted the weekend to the study of the similarities between God's redemptive plan and the Jewish wedding ceremony. Specifically, if you know anything about the Jewish wedding ceremony (which I really didn't), it brings alive much of what Jesus talked about near the end of his life.

For example, the Gospel of the Apostle John, Chapter 14 begins with some words of comfort Jesus gave to his disciples before heading to the garden at Gethsemane. He said

Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God - trust also in me. My Father's house has plenty of room; if it were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.

By any contemporary Jew this would have been recognizable as the speech a bridegroom gave his betrothed after they'd agreed to marry. It signified that the agreement to marry had been sealed and a time of separation had begun. A separation that began when the bridegroom gave that speech and left to make a place for his new wife at his home and ended with their reunification and beginning of their united life together. It was a time of waiting and longing, of anticipation and romance.

This is one of many times in the Bible (either in the Gospels generally, by Jesus himself, or in the Epistles) that the romance of the Jewish wedding ceremony is used to described our place in the Redemptive plan or on world's time line generally. It places us, His church, in the role of the lovestruck, excited virgin bride anxious for the arrival of her new husband and the beginning of our new life together.

This would be fine, of course, if I didn't hate romance. I mean I really hate romance. OK maybe I don't hate romance in the technical sense - some part of me is remembering an advanced English class where my teacher redefined romance and it didn't mean sappy puppy love - but I really do hate that sappy, sickeningly sweet love of teenagers. Seriously, the only thing I appreciate less than the general self-absorbed melodrama of teenagers is the way they experience first love, so deluded and blind.

I honestly can't help but roll my eyes and gag a little bit when I think about Romeo and Juliet, Titanic, the Notebook, Twilight or any other in a long series of ridiculous stories were two young adults are "meant to be", "soulmates" or "complete each other". Yuck, yuck, yuck. Thus, envisioning that a part of my Christian life is to wait on baited breath for Christ's return, wooed by His advances and cooing over how I'll finally be complete when we are together makes me cringe inside.

Ugh! The vulnerability of it all. I remember loving like that, hoping that he would love me in return. Staring anxiously across the gymnasium floor at Michael Casey Jr. (God was he beautiful), hoping, that of all the other 8th grade girls he would think I was the prettiest. Praying desperately that he would ask me to dance. And he did a few times. And my heart melted.

I remember loving like that. The purity of it.

I also remember when Michael Casey Jr broke up with me and dated my best friend. And when, two years later, he told me he "could never see us as anything more than friends" and my heart breaking open with a sickening disappointment that screamed NEVER again. I will NEVER love like that again. I will NEVER buy into that BS again, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER AGAIN.

Why does God have to heal it all? Isn't it enough that I believe in Him? That I would die for Him? Isn't it enough that I would give my very life to Him? No it's not. He wants it all. I can't even keep this safe, He wants to break it open and heal it.

I gotta tell you, I've never been so reluctant to hand something over to Him. Those moments hurt so, so bad. But I must, mustn't I. That Punk.

My beloved bridegroom,

I give myself to you, broken hearted. It is so hard to love you with all of this history. Take it. Wash me, make me clean again. I trust you.

Amen.

The Cosby Show

I've been watching the Cosby Show a lot recently. In some ways it's made me a bit cynical about the age we live in. I mean seriously - name 1 weekly show you can actually watch with your children that isn't loaded with broken people making seriously bad decisions. And I am not saying that shows that provoke conversations about real life are to be avoided, but shouldn't there are also be some shows that give us an example of what it looks like when you are doing things well? A target to aim at, if impossible to achieve?

Because I can tell you something, my family may not look like the Cosby family but I sure want it to. I want to raise children that respect me and one another. I want a marriage that is full of laughter and forgiveness and grace. I want to lip sink and dance to jazz music in the living room. I want to show those around me that I am both serious and not serious. I want to be creative in showing my children the consequences of their choices (Hello! Theo and living in the real world!).

But the biggest truth about the Cosby family is that it felt so incredibly safe. You know, you see Dr. Huxtable rolling his eyes at another of Denise's impulsive decisions but you don't ever think he's going to reject her or tell to "get the H!@? out of his house." You know that he loves her but sees her faults and all. I want that. I want to be that for my daughter.

And yes, it is incredibly sad that very many of us (most in fact) were not born into the Huxtable family. And perhaps it feels a bit like pouring salt into an open wound to watch a family who has something that you don't. But I think this trend toward making shows more like "reality" is really a trend toward diminishing hope. The message is something like "Don't hope for safety, don't work for love and connection because those things are a fantasy." But my sincere belief as that these things are not fantasy. They are also not related to wealth. They are not accessible to only the privileged few. It is about a small number of people, making a choice to be a safe place for each other and everyone else. And when that happens God is in it and things will change.

As Margaret Mead put it:

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.

P.S. Here's a Cosby Show Treat to make your day.

Hero

I am in love with this song: Hero

It's just beautiful to listen to: acoustic, raw, somber and true. It's both provoking and soothing. Check it out.

How Christian Living Looks

I am reading this amazing book called Chasing the Dragon. It's about a Christian, English, woman, missionary who served (serves actually, I think) in Hong Kong. At the point the book was written she was specifically serving a non-governed (that's right anarchist) city near Hong Kong called the Walled City.

Now her story is miraculous and inspiring, so much so that I am sure there is all sorts of controversy (both within Christendom and without) if I were to dig it up. I mean she was a very young (20ish) woman, who was living alone in Hong Kong, during the 1960s in the middle of what was possibly the most drug infested and dangerous city in the world during that time. Yet she serves and survives and sees miraculous things. You should seriously pick up the book.

What I felt compelled to share with you this morning, is a section of the book where she discusses the transformed life of one of the women she served. It knocked me over and screamed "Now this is the redemptive plan in action." So here it is:

So the family in our house grew and was further augmented by constant appearances from Mrs. Chan who I had come to know months earlier through her son, Pin Kwong. He was vicious addict of nineteen who has no intention of changing his ways and collected money by holding up victims at knife point in the public toilet. I often asked him about his widowed mother, but he refused to allow me to visit her saying, "She is an old idol worshiper. She won't want to hear from a Christian."

When Pin Kwong was arrested and put in prison for the fifth time I sought his mother and found her lying on a little bed in her Walled City room. She had decided to die, because her son had been arrested once more. She had no husband or family and Pin Kwong was all her life. Chinese women are very proud of their sons, but he was rotten and took away any money she ever had so she had no more will to live. He had not wanted me to visit her for fear that I would discover he had been exploiting his mother for the little amount she could collect selling vegetables and herbs at the market. When we found her, she had already laid there for some days without eating and was very weak. The boys went out and bought chicken essence and bones to boil for soup, and we set about restoring the elderly lady. While we fed her we told her about the Father who had given her His most precious possession, His only son, because He loved her.

Mrs. Chan was a simple woman who had never been to school. She had never heard of Christ before, and could not follow long sentences. We laid our hands upon her and prayed out loud, asking God to teach her in a way she could comprehend. After the prayer, she looked up, grinning from ear to ear, saying that when we prayed she had been cured of her "sickness of the lungs" and could breath clearly for the first time in years. It never returned.

That night she dreamed that a man in a long white robe came to her, and holding out His arms asked her to come to Him and be baptized. Since that time she was quite radiant, and when I moved to Lung Kong Road, she was delighted. We gave her a key to the new home and she pottered in and out happily cleaning everything in sight, cooking meals and introducing all her local market vendor friends, who would sell us provisions cheaply. Bestowing on me a signal of honor she became my kai ma and I her kai neui, meaning godmother and goddaughter. She adored her new family and bossily clucked around us all.

A women, lying in her bed, ashamed of her life, cut off from love, abused by an addicted son. Visited by a Christian and then by Christ, regains her sense of significance and meaning by becoming the mother hen of not one but many boys, who were formerly addicted but needing a mom. Only God could orchestrate a healing so complete for so many.

They're ready, We are not

This morning my Bible study focused on the end of days (e.g., the second coming of Christ, the Millennium, etc.). Part of what was covered were the descriptions in Isaiah about what the rule of Christ will be like. Specifically, there are several passages in Isaiah discussing radically different relationships between God, Earth, Animals and Humans. The fact that all the Earth will know the Lord, that all animals will live harmoniously (lions and lambs raising their young together), that humans will live harmoniously with one another and with animals. It is described as this wonderful and glorious time established because we will all know God.

During part of the study, the author made an exclamation, referring to Roman's where it is written that the very Earth aches for the return of Christ. And this got me thinking, the Earth (mountains, rivers, trees), animals (dogs, lions, eagles) - according to this scripture are presently aching for the return of Christ. They can't wait because they are ready live in harmony with God.

Yet they ache, long for, exist in this separated state... why? For us.

That's right, from a Christian perspective, God is holding off the second coming of Christ, the heavenly kingdom on Earth, because He patiently waits for more of us to get it together. To wake up to our selfishness, betrayals and greed and return to Him.

This provides a radically different perspective on Christians relationship with animals and the earth. Specifically, we should understand that the earth and all it's non-human inhabitants are doing us a HUGE favor. They exist in a broken world because of us and they await reunification with God to provide time for us.

This speaks to me about the way I should look at and treat the inhabitants of this planet and the planet itself. I am not suggesting no longer cutting down trees to make homes or giving up meat, but I am suggesting that we be good stewards of their lives. That we are not flip or superior about their existence. It seems clear to me that we aught to experience a sense of gratitude for our planet and to the non-humans with whom we share it.

I'm having a moment

Good morning my beautiful and precious family!

I am having a moment of just reveling in God's goodness and I wanted to share it with you all.

I just had this realization of the true honor and privilege of being a child of God. Specifically, that when God considered all of humanity and the enormous mess we are in, He determined a plan to engage us (me!) to be part of solving it. In fact, I was created with this specific time and its needs in mind. I am a servant created to serve in a particular place (most likely America), at a particular time (somewhere around the year 2000), toward a particular goal (reunification with God).

Look around, we are in a turmoil! Hatred, violence, oppression and brokenness around every turn. I have never encountered a single person who has not suffered some significant and longstanding wound in this world. And do you know what! God designed me with a particular set of talents; He made me to see those wounds, and gave me the skills to play a role in healing them.

Why is this so amazing and honoring to me? He could have just said a word and healed every single person I've ever encountered, but that's not the way He operates (most of the time anyway). Instead, He chooses to work through me - because He esteems me - and He wants me to be part of His plan, not just an observer. (WHAT!?!)

And God looks to me, and calls me warrior, and asks that I play a role in fighting the disease of hatred and brokenness that is infecting everything and everyone around me. ME! A suburban, white, intellectual situated in one of the most affluent cultures in the history of the world. ME! (You!)

How highly esteemed are we by God!!!

And to top it all off, this war I've been called to fight does not require me to hate, murder, or oppress anyone. I'm called to love, heal and serve.

How beautiful! How perfect!

What about you??? What have you been gifted to do? God has especially equipped you as well. You are no accident, but a warrior - esteemed by God, designed to fulfill His redemptive plan for this world. And I am so privileged to know you.

A Great Morning

I have had the most amazing morning with God.

I spent a great deal of time in scripture this morning and God talked to me about many of my desires and hopes. He also addressed some of my sins and hurts. I feel like there is too much to share it all! But I want to talk about one thing in particular, my sin.

As part of my Bible study today I was asked to consider the role fear has played in my life. Given that I have historically been a nervous nelly, constantly trying and failing to please others - I knew that it played a central role. But as a wrote, I started to realize something really profound about the role a specific fear has played in my life and in my faith walk. The fear of being wrong.

I am going to try to relay how this unfolded for me; because it's not like God spoke in an audible voice. Instead it went something like this:

First, I thought to myself - well of course fear has played a role. And immediately a thought sprang to mind, you are afraid of being wrong.

Continuing on, I spoke to myself "Yes, afraid of being wrong. And underneath that is my true fear - the fear of being hurt or disappointed." So I start to write down that I am afraid of disappointment. But about halfway through writing the sentence, I am stopped. You may very well be afraid of disappointment, but you are just plain afraid of being wrong. And now, though you know this, you're trying to lie about it.

"What!?" I think to myself. And I sit for a second and the feelings and fears I have about my marriage flash before me. Fears that my husband is unfaithful or a closet drunk or drug addict. And I hear myself saying, "But what really makes me upset about this idea is the thought that I don't know, that I would have been fooled."

Oh, there is such, such shame in being made a fool for me. I can feel its ache in my chest even writing this now. Don't let anyone see that you were foolish or naive.

For years, I had a problem with lying. Not lying in the big sense but in the little everyday sense. Like the "I'll emphasize this and leave out this" sense. And that was so about hiding wrongness, hiding any smell of foolishness.

I also let it hold me back from committing to God. I always wanted to leave room for error. I don't want to commit to Christianity too much, because "What if I'm wrong?"

That crappy question fuels more of my insecurity and the petty non-sense fights in my head. "What if I'm wrong about this, or that?" I'd better prove, over and over and OVER in my head that I am right. I am so sick of proving I am right.

And what God showed me was that faith cannot be about being right or being proven right. To the world, it is foolishness. By it's very definition, in the world's eyes faith is (equals) foolishness.

God wants to make a fool of me. Ha! Wow, am I gonna need some healing. Thank God I have a Merciful and Loving Father, a Beautiful and Anointed Son and Divine and Ever-present Spirit that are in the healing and redemptive business.

What I am Listening To: Brooke Fraser

On the right you will find a new "What I am Listening To" list.

I've decided to devote some time to Brooke Fraser because she amazing. All of the songs on the list are from the one album I am familiar with, Albertine. Here's my reasons for including each of them:

Albertine: It's about Brooke's obligation to speak out on behalf of those who have died or are dying in Rowanda. It reminds me of my obligation as privileged Christian to speak on behalf of the oppressed in this world.

C.S. Lewis Song: It's about the Truth that there is restlessness in our spirit, that screams 'it was not supposed to be this way!'. It is about the Truth that God is not satisfied to wait for us, but pursues us. "Hope is coming for me."

Deciphering Me: I interpret this song as about the process of understanding one another and holiness of this enterprise. How when we spend the time to get to know one another intimately we provide one another a glimpse of the knowing and being known of God.

Faithful: The pain and purpose of waiting for God. What is more profound?

Hosea's Wife: A concise and real understanding of Christian perspective on the purpose of life. "We are Hosea's Wife, we are squandering this life, using people like money and truth like lies."

Seeds: A image of parenting, of our role in growing and passing on wisdom to the next generation.

Shadowfeet: A description of the process of becoming who we were created to be. It reminds me that I am growing to fill in myself. I am becoming more myself as I draw ever nearer to God.

I hope you will take the time to listen.

Love you.

Why Jesus Christ was not a Terrorist

Our church is currently in a study exploring 1st Peter.

To provide some context, 1st Peter is a letter written by one the apostle's (Peter) to his scattered church, the 1st Church of Jerusalem, due the severe persecution of the early Christian church during that time. So, this letter was written to folks who were quite literally facing brutal death by the hands of their oppressors (typically the religious and governmental authorities) for their faith.

So this next part may sound strange; specifically, what we studied this weekend was about submitting to authority. That's right! Right at the beginning of a letter to a group of oppressed refugees, facing death at the hands of the religious and governmental authorities of their day is a series of passages on submission to authority.

Seriously! What up Peter?!? Shouldn't we be talking about revolution? Rebellion?

Nope... he says "Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every authority instituted among men." (1 Peter 2:13-25).

He goes on to talk about why this is important (I can imagine, because if I got that letter I'd need some justification for his position as well). He gives three major reasons:

(1) Authority is designed to be good for all (e.g., it's supposed to promote good and punish evil).
(2) Our role is to influence others by doing good (a.k.a., our role is not to punish corrupt authorities - that's God's job).
(3) Our divine role model for this is Jesus Christ.

This message spoke to me so, so personally. I think because one of the things that drew me to Christianity was it's place in changing the world. I want to be a part of something that lifts up the oppressed, that names evil, that undermines the structures which dominate and control the powerless. As a result, I think - in some way- I want to be a terrorist for God. In fact, one of the early Christian writings that drew me in actually used that metaphor but renamed terrorism with some other, nicer phrase (e.g., gorilla love mercenary or something like that).

And I am not saying that Christianity is NOT about changing this broken world or lifting up the oppressed, it is. But what this passage of scripture speaks to is our general methodology for achieving those aims.

Specifically, I am guessing that these early Christian refugees were likely considering some terrorism of their own, ya know. If I saw my daughter get dragged through the streets and raped or my brother beaten and murdered - I'd probably be thinking of strapping the equivalent of a bomb to my chest for Christ. And I'd feel pretty justified to - these were evil men, doing evil things! (I am not being facetious here - these men were doing evil things).

But Peter steps in and says, "No. Not that way. We do not work that way!" We work by "Showing proper respect to everyone. Lov[ing] the brotherhood of believers, fear[ing] God, honor[ing] the king." (1st Peter 2:15-17)

We work through love, service and submission. That's right, if the evil king wants to kill us because we believe in Christ - we don't blow him up, we don't hate him, we submit to his authority to kill us.

This is an incredibly challenging passage of scripture for believers, let a lone those who do not believe. Specifically, we are going to look like nuts to atheists.

In fact, I've got a Marxist, atheist friend of mine who pretty much thinks the new testament was written to prevent slave classes from uprising and killing their masters. And I can see why he thinks that. I mean our scripture says it - let them beat you, let them kill you, turn the other cheek, walk the extra mile, respect their authority, love them. It suggests a way that is a radical departure from rebellion or terrorism. Specifically, it say trust God to handle this and trust that His plan of Love to ultimately succeed.

I think this bears repeating: Trust God to handle this. Trust that His plan of Love will ultimately succeed.

Without faith, we should and do make no sense.

So I was challenged... Do I make no sense? Are my friends and family looking at me and saying, "she loves so radically - I don't understand her"? If not, then I am living this out wrong. I am still living as though I am of the world, instead of just passing through.

Another question, "Do I believe there is a God in Heaven who sees all and judges rightly?" If I do, there is absolutely no room to be a terrorist for Jesus. In this economy it is God (and only God) who can judge and execute fairly - thus, my judgment cannot be fully trusted. Just because it seems right to me to blow someone up (which, let's be real - sometimes this feels like a VERY good idea) - it does not mean I am right or I should.

God is very plain on this fact - as a child of God I serve, I obey, I love. Done. Servant attitude, servant heart. This plan will ultimately change the world for God, but not the way I've seen before and not necessarily in the way I would have it done.

Oh Happiness!

For those of you who don't know already, I am obsessed with this David Crowder Band Song, "Oh Happiness."

When you first listen to it, it sounds like a catchy pop song with A LOT of synthesizer action. And let's be honest, that's probably enough for me to get hooked on a song. (Oh heaven did I love "Stacy's Mom" - I love you Jackie Anderson!)

But Oh Happiness has an incredible depth to it, that most catchy pop songs lack. (They can't all be Mr. Jones you know?)

In all seriousness, I think to fully comprehend Oh Happiness, you need to first do some reflecting. First, I want you to think of the worst, most painful atrocities in this world. What do humans look like at their meanest and darkest.

Then I want you to think about the pains in your own life, the things you believe can NEVER fully heal. The things you've said to yourself, "I will never get over this. I will carry this around until I die."

Now listen to Oh Happiness (lyrics printed below).

Oh, happiness
There is grace enough for us
And the whole human race

From the full streams
Of Your care
All who come
Begin again

Hard or friend
Rich or poor
All who need
Need fear no more

Such a thing to give away

All regrets
Let go, forget
There's something that
Mends all of that

Such a thing to give away

Sound the church bells
Let 'em ring
Let 'em ring
For everything can be redeemed
We can be redeemed
All of us

This is the absolute heartbeat of gospel... we have NOT out sinned God's ability to love us or to redeem us. Everything can be redeemed - Auschwitz can be redeemed, Darfur can be redeemed, the time your father told you he wished he'd worn a condom the night you were conceived can be redeemed, the time you lashed out and told your friend they weren't worth your time can be redeemed.

Everything can be turned around, made right, made beautiful, made worth it. Beauty from ashes!

I imagine that there are some of you reading, who think "This is a fairytale, this is impossible. You cannot make Auschwitz worth it!" I know, I know! How could it ever be worth it, right? But the joy of Christianity is this, Full Redemption is EXACTLY God's promise and plan. She is singing join me! Hope in me! I will deliver you. I will redeem everything you hand me.

Redeemer God,

Your love and mercy is incomprehensible to me. I am awash in Your promises. I cannot fully understand them but thank You for bringing me to a place where I can believe them. Please do the same for those who cannot see past the atrocities of this world. Give them a personal glimpse of the hope You provide, a taste of the Grace that is Your very nature, of the true fullness of Your redemptive plan.

I love You so.

Weary of this world and its ways

Good morning my people.

I am writing to you feeling both tired and worn. I am feeling so sad and frustrated with this world and its ways of rejection and stereotype. I feel bombarded from all sides by in-groups and out-groups.

Let me explain. My faith walk is unique, in that God grabbed me out of place that is atypical- the world of academe or the intellectual. It is hard for me to imagine two worlds more at odds than the worlds of intelligentsia and religion. They are each others' favorite out group, with religious leaders frequently disparaging academic values and pursuits as "narcissistic" and "divorced from lived experience."Academics are no better, slinging the mud of "hypocrisy" and "willful ignorance" in the other direction.

And now, I am considered a part of each in group. I am a dual insider. Or a dual betrayer depending on how you look at it. Because my true allegiance belongs to neither, I believe in neither. I believe in, I put my faith in, I bow down to, I follow Jesus Christ alone.

"Wait!" you say, "Doesn't that mean you are religious? You must align with the religious side of the war?" No. I love and respect very many intellectuals. I understand their hearts, to fight for people who have been oppressed by religion. I respect their calling a Pharisee a hypocrite when there devotion to the Word becomes perverted into hatred of people. Because, you see, the Christian church without a clear and fixed eye on Jesus is no church. And religion with no God is just another country club.

"Well now it's clear your really an intellectual." No. I love many religious people and participate in religious ceremonies regularly. I understand that religion is intended to provide a sure path to God- the noblest of pursuits. That Pharisees become Pharisees out of devotion to God and devotion to an unswerving application of His word. I respect that religion names the false and empty meaning of pursuing knowledge for knowledge sake. Because, you see, without God intellectual pursuits are just another way to anesthetize our fear of death.

So I am out of the closet folks. You know where my true allegiance lies.

What Christ has confronted me with is this simple fact: Behind every stereotype I have is a person, who feels the way they feel for a reason. And the more I think I hate them, the more I need to love them - because they need me.

Dealing with Difference

This week at service we talked about my church family's association with a man in Uganda. Specifically, a man named Martin (last name was said but I don't remember it) has been a partner to our outreach arm in Africa. We've partnered with him out of admiration for his success in working against AIDS and out of a personal relationship with his family.

Apparently, there has recently been a bill (of which this man is a very public supporter) in Uganda related to homosexuality. The details of this bill remain unclear to me but I am guessing that it includes general laws against homosexual sex or (i absolutely hate this word) sodomy; as well as some laws against male-male pedophilia and sexual behavior when you have AIDS. Also, original drafts of this bill included the death penalty - though I am not sure for which of these behaviors (e.g., all of them, only pedophilia, etc). Thus, it hit the media as the "gay killing bill" and because our church is associated with Martin, our church is being associated with the "gay killing bill." Furthermore, there is apparently video circulating in which Martin says some pretty inflammatory (and I am guessing hateful) things.

Lovely!

So what do we do? Many other churches associated with Martin have cut ties with him. Shall we cut ties? Publicly denounce him? Our church leadership has chosen a different path - they chose to talk to him about it. About a month or two back they sat down with Martin and asked him about the specific offensive things he said and an understanding was reached. I was not at the meeting - I am not sure of the specific understanding that was reached. My pastor said that the relationship was sustained and that Martin has agreed to consider counsel from our church leadership.

This disagreement between Martin and Canyon Ridge has lead me to truly consider how I (we) deal with difference and offense in this world. What do you do, WHAT DO I DO, when someone I've respected, or someone I love does something I disagree with? What if this disagreement is over something really big?

Because it does not seem to me that Martin has cut ties with the bill nor does it seem to me that Canyon Ridge has decided that we support the bill - that means that a relationship has been sustained and cultivated when significant differences remain.

Furthermore, this has not come at some consequence to Canyon Ridge. Given the passion around this bill, we've been called to explain our "continued association" with Martin. As though the world expects that if you disagree with someone, the automatic and best option is to denounce them! And if you don't, you might as well be that person. To connect with a person is to identify with them fully.

I realize that on the national and political stage this is the norm, but I argue that this is a common, common pressure in our lives. You don't like what your sister believes about health care make sure you draw a huge boundary between her opinion and you. In years past, I've felt this pressure in my marriage! If David said or believed something I thought might reflect poorly on me, I would control the heck out of his public language or behavior.

In fact, I am CONVINCED, that if we starting cutting off every person with whom we shared significant differences we would one-by-one cut off every other person in our lives.

I also believe that Christianity, as a faith, speaks directly against this sort of thinking and behaving. The only things we are called to "cut off" are our sins. Throughout the New Testament we are called to reconciliation, restoration, and acceptance of difference.

Now some translate this as being spineless and not having any moral compass (e.g., acceptance = no difference, whatever is good for you is fine with me). NO! That is not accepting difference, this is cheaply (and quite often falsely) minimizing difference. Others translate this as acceptance of sin (e.g., acceptance = seeing evil running a muck all over some one's life and saying nothing). Again No! If you know someone and you sin/evil/poor choices ruining their lives we are called to step in and say something about it. What this is saying is that we do not accept the option of "writing someone off," or "denouncing someone"as Godly options. God seeks to reconcile, restore and build understanding. None of which are things that occur overnight, without sacrifice and without - in this world - misunderstanding or persecution.

This is a tall, tall order - is it not? A challenge I feel incredibly humbled by.

Lord,

Please give me the strength to love, to reconcile, to restore in a world that tells me to cut off and protect myself. You loved in this radical way first, let me follow your example. I am so incredibly humbled by you. I love you.

Amen.

She's totally got my number

So now that I am almost through dissertating (my defense is scheduled for next Wednesday - Hallelujah!), I am taking Mondays and Fridays off from work to stay home with my munchkin. We've had a great time together.

Today we got up and watched "LarryBoy and the Bad Apple." For those of you who don't follow Christian Cartoons, LarryBoy is a superhero who takes on the common sins of childhood (i.e., lying, spreading rumors, etc.) In "LarryBoy and the Bad Apple," Larry confronts temptation - or more specifically a Bad Apple who goes around tempting people into over-indulgence in vanity, video games, t.v. and chocolate.

Later this afternoon, while we were driving to go swimming at my folks house, Syd and I were processing the show. We reviewed which characters were tempted by which things (e.g., LarryBoy was tempted by chocolate, his butler, Alfred, by t.v.). Then, I asked her a probing question, "So Syd, what do you think the Bad Apple would use to tempt you?"

"Oh all of dose tings," she replied in her cute 4 year-old accent.

"What do you think she would use to tempt Mommy?" I asked, thinking this is a good opportunity to point out that Mommies and Daddies struggle with temptations too.

At first Syd responded, "I don't know," as I thought she would. I was just about to tell her what I thought I would be tempted by when she confidently announced, "Work... definitely work." And she was right! She was totally, totally right.

Our kids get us folks - at 4 years and 6 months my daughter totally has my number. I am so lucky to have her.

Creator God,

I don't know how you saw fit to place such an amazing, fearless, brilliant young girl in my care. I don't deserve her. Please make me trustworthy with her beautiful spirit. I promise, with Your help, to teach her what she needs to know. I also promise to listen to what she has to teach me. I love you, Lord.

Amen.

The Shame Game

OK - for this one I need to start with prayer:

Father God,

I feel like I have something very important to say, something I want others to hear. But I also know that the temptation to be prideful in this area is incredibly strong for me. There is no way I am going to get through this post without being a complete hypocrite, without direct intervention on Your part. Please give me the words to express an area that feels so vital to me while simultaneously keeping me humble. Dissolve my condemnation and judgment; provide Your illumination and discernment.

It is in the Mighty and Merciful name of Your Son, Jesus Christ, I pray.

Amen.

I recently experienced the full force of shame. I haven't felt that way in a very, very long time. I want to relay the story, but I also want to stay out of gossip. So suffice it to say, that someone I love very, very deeply was disappointed in me and I knew it. I let them down and was crippled with fear, doubt, and anxiety. I couldn't sleep. I felt like crying and throwing up all at the same time. I wanted to reach out to this person, to make amends, but it was in the middle of the night and I was going to have to wait. So I waited, restless, sad, tired and woefully ashamed. It was one of the longest nights of my life.

I am writing this because it brought - right into the center of my vision - the full force of the emotion of shame. It is an incredibly powerful motivator. I would have made the night day to have appeased this person. I would have become their slave to escape it. It was a terrible, empty void full of fear and regret. Something that awful will get you moving.

Thus, I understand why the world uses it so often to motivate people. "Paula, I can't believe you would treat your mother that way... you should be ashamed of yourself." "Paula! Are you smoking a cigarette! You should know better!""Did you see Paula eating that chocolate chip cookie, she's already gained 5lbs [implicit - she should be ashamed of herself]." It gets otherwise stuck people, acting in a way that is more appealing to us on the outside and possibly even healthier for them.

I do wish to say, however, that the Gospel is anti-shame. In fact, (I am not a Bible Scholar so please feel free to correct me if I am wrong) I am pretty sure shame is the enemy's game. It is and remains his great 'victory' (I use that term loosely, as any of his victories are hallow and short lived). He introduced us to the feeling when Eve took a bite of that apple in the garden. Shame covered her - so much that she covered herself to hide it.

We do the same crud now. Now instead of leaves, we use make-up or accomplishments or Lexuses to cover ourselves. We use masks and degrees and uniforms to cover it up. We stick drugs in our mouths, silicon in our bodies and botox in our faces to shut it up. But leaves, masks, or drugs cant make it go away.

Shame... yuck, yuck yuck.

I am also pretty sure that Jesus was about ending all of that. That part of the reason Christ Crucified is so meaningful is because we are reminded that: (1) God knows us - He gets it, ain't no hiding, He knows it all; and (2) He loves us anyway - He is not ashamed of us, He is not going to reject or abandon us, He loves us even in our messed-upness. Jesus was crucified (at least in part) to heal our shame by demonstrating His unending, unfailing love.

But what do we do now! Without shame, what will motivate us to end bad behaviors??? God suggests a new motivator - LOVE. And love, is the very opposite of shame. Shame motivates us to "Stick Something In Here!" to fill up a void, end a pain. Love, on the other hand, flows out because the hole is filled by our Lord and healed by His Grace.

I wish I could say I was writing this post to remind myself (and you too) of the Shame Game played by the world. That all our implicit "you should be ashamed of yourself stuff" came from secular movies and radio shows. But I've gotta say, I run into the Shame Game just as often (if not more often) in religious (yes Christian) circles all the time. For example, "Do you realize what you are saying about God if you can't find time to read the Bible everyday? [you should be ashamed of yourself]."

And I realize, I run the risk of actually shaming folks about shaming (the hypocrisy piece I was worried about earlier) so let me remove a plank quickly. I shame people all the time. Heck, I think I was shaming my husband for not putting my daughter to bed the way he said he would 5 minutes before I started writing this post.

But I am praying that I will recognize that this temptation to shame - is a quick and effective motivator for all of the wrong reasons. And I am not playing on Christ's team so long as I am using it.

We have to buy in folks. We have to buy in that shame (though it works in the short run) destroys in the long run. And though Love may be risky it is the only way.

God of Motives, God of Covenants

I was driving in my car a couple of days ago thinking about a disagreement I have with a handful of Christian friends with regard to our interpretation of the Gospel message. Specifically, a few of my friends (and I am pretty sure a large portion of Christian's generally) believe that a person can be "saved" out of a place of fear. Thus, if you scare people into believing in hell and that they are going there, you can convince them to say the sinner's prayer (out of fear) and then they will be "saved". Hallelujah. Amen.

I've always had trouble with this kind of reasoning. Mostly because it is typically accompanied by a contract version of Christianity. Specifically, God is really all about contracts and whether or not you've signed the right one before death. In my mind, this takes God from a merciful and loving Creator and makes Him into a fine print reader, basing decisions off of meaningless and arbitrary lines in the sand.

So I was thinking about this argument - as I often do. In my head I was making this very articulate point about the fact the most repeated command in the Bible is 'Do not be afraid." And of course God was eavesdropping (as He always is) and decides to chime in.

First, He quietly whispers: You are right, Paula, I am a God of motives. This initially increases my steam. "Yes! Yes!" I think to myself, "How many times does Jesus confront the Pharisees about their cup being clean on the outside but dark and dirty on the inside! Of course! God of motives!"

Then He says (a little louder): But I am also a God of covenants. This stops me. "A God of covenants? What does that even mean, 'God of covenants'?" Then God - knowing what I am thinking - reminds me of the story of Jacob and Esau. He points out how Jacob stole the paternal blessing from Esau (bad, bad motive) but that He honored it anyway (keeping His covenant). He then shows me the Israelites bowing down to that gold-cow (bad, bad motives) but that He stayed with them and showed them the promise land (honoring His covenant.)

I've been processing this exchange for a couple of days. Frequently thinking about it and what God was trying to tell me. I'm not sure I've got it all nailed down, but essentially I think he was pointing out a dynamic tension that exists between two aspects of His character: (1) That he cares more for motives and the condition of the heart, than for behavior and (2) He keeps promises even to people with bad motives.

It occurred to me that different Christians emphasize different aspects of this character. For example, I have historically landed squarely on the side of God of Motives (duh) but some (many) of my brothers and sisters land squarely land on the side of God of Covenants. I've also been thinking that our tendency to choose sides, rather than acknowledging the True tension that exists, acknowledging that God is bigger than we can understand fully at any side, dramatically limits our understanding of God (and causes us to in-fight rather than learn from one another). Anyway... just something I am thinking about

BTW.... just for good measure. I found out that my Bible Study (the one I'm supposed to help lead in the Fall) is Kay Arthur's "Covenant". Don't you love God - such a good sense of humor.

The Face of Love

I was moved to tears yesterday while I was driving home (well, actually to a BBQ at my Uncle's house - but that's not really relevant).

I was listening to radio and the song "The Face of Love" by Sanctus Real (check it out: here) came on. I've heard the song probably a thousand times (and sang along most of those times if you know me!). But I don't know that I've ever really listened closely to the lyrics until yesterday.

It articulates so perfectly a process that is happening to my heart and has been for the past few years. I am becoming increasingly enamored of Jesus Christ. It began as a fascination, "Wow! You know this guy had some pretty cool things to say. But man was he weird! What's the deal with spitting in mud to heal some one's eyes?"

And evolved into a deep respect, one that propelled me to dedicate my life to his purposes. "OK. This guy had some things very, very right about this world. He seemed to have his finger on the heartbeat of our brokenness and to be suggesting things that might actually heal it."

Next to awe. "There is no way this guy was just a great teacher. He never made a mistake. He never said one thing I can criticize or see through. He never once acted like a hypocrite. He was love 100% of the time. He is the Messiah, the Son of God."

Then to shear joy. This was the phase (for those of you closest to me) when I started saying things like - "Jesus is a radical!" And what I meant to express was my full joy and connection with his person. I would often think to myself "His teachings are full of challenge. There is no BS in Him. There is no placating in Him. He is ALL challenge and ALL LOVE. I've never seen anything like Him. I am blown away by Him."

Yet all of these things, were based on Scripture readings. Drawing near Him through the Bible and considering Him as He was then.

But yesterday, in the car, I realized something new. The growing love I have for Him is starting to loosen from stories about what He said or how He helped other people. Or even His vision and love for the World. It is starting to become about something much, much more personal.

There is a line in the song: "I may not know the shape of Your face, but I can feel Your heart changing mine. And Your loves still proves that Your alive." And when I heard that lyric I just felt every hair on my body stand up and tears sprang to my eyes: Jesus is here, He loves me and His love is changing me. And (here was the kicker) that proves something! If His love can change me nearly 2000 years after these stories were written, then He is alive. And not just in concept, in MY LIFE.

For a doubting Thomas like myself - this is HUGE. Something intangible is proof to me. And proof that is deeper and more substantial. I am changing.

The song ends with a prayer that I think is appropriate here.

Dearest Jesus,

You are the face that changed the whole world. No one too lost for You to love, no one to low for You to serve. So give us the grace to change the world. No one too lost for me to love, no one to low for me to serve. Oh let us see, let us be Your face.

I love you, Jesus. Amen.

Jackie's Wedding (Part II)

Now for a confession.

Jackie had been pretty bothered in the weeks preceding her wedding by the idea that it might rain on her wedding day. She predicted that it would and that she would be really upset about it. I kept telling her to quit prophesying gloom and doom but she was adamant.

So now, with overcast skies, I knew for sure what God's miracle was going to be. In fact, I had it perfectly scripted in my mind: It was going to drizzle all morning and then, just at the perfect moment, the clouds would part and Jackie and Seth would have their beautiful beach wedding. Yay God!

However, as the day drew on the skies grew darker and darker. And the rain, which began as a light drizzle, became heavier and heavier. I remember the first big droplets starting to fall as the bridesmaids posed for our first series of outside pictures. And in my head, I said to God "You better know what you are doing."

As the rain fell harder, the bridesmaids moved inside and the dark, gloomy atmosphere came in with us. A typically lively bunch of girls were quiet and melancholy. I was using my stern, mother voice with God, "What's wrong with You? You couldn't do this one thing for Jackie? You take both of her parents before her wedding day and you can't give her this one moment!"

And as the rain continued to fall, a deep sadness began to fill my spirit. I started to doubt, "Oh no, God is definitely not going to come through. It's going to pour and Jackie's going to have to get married in that stupid tent. What does this mean about you Lord?"

It was about this time that the bridesmaids were posing for pictures in a long hallway with windows looking outside. And with the bridesmaids busy in pictures, the set of three little flower girls lined up at the window and started singing "Rain, rain go away, come again another day." And slowly, like the beginning of wave in the ocean, each of the bridesmaids began to join in. And the mood began to shift. Looks were exchanged, hands squeezed. Something was happening, solidarity was forming. First it whispered "we will not accept this." And then it grew, louder and louder "We will Not accept This." And then it was shouting "WE WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS."

I remember the first bridesmaids to name it was this incredibly vivacious and fearless woman named Heather. "F$%& it!" she said, "Jackie, you love the rain. If you want to get married on that beach, I don't care if we have to stand in Lake Michigan's first tsunami, you're getting married on that beach!" And sea of "Yes"s erupted from the bridesmaids.

Then it hung there for a minute, like a question "Will she take it?"

And Jackie paused and said "You would do that for me? You're sure?"

And that was the end of it, we were one! All of us united. "We are getting married on that beach!"

Everything after that happened quickly. We were like a force of nature. Things just started happening. Some how one of the guests heard about the plan and went to buy out all of the umbrellas from Wallmart. The wedding planner made arrangements to play the music from protection of the tent. Suddenly, we were standing in a long hallway (hiding Jackie behind a wall) as a trail of guests made their way to their seats. It was on! We were doing this.

And before we knew it, we walking in a light drizzle down the long grass and then beach isle to the Camp-Anderson wedding site. Honestly it was beautiful, there was a sea of multicolored umbrellas and the lake was covered with a beautiful mist. And the realness and joy of the moment kept growing and growing, building and building. And the rain kept falling, harder and harder.

I remember arriving at my position at the front of the crowd and feeling the drops of rain get weightier, but this time instead of doubt I was filled with joy. Here I am, in a $300 dress, wet sand all over my feet, purchased make-up possibly running all over my face, staring to heaven as rain begins to pour down feeling elated!

And here comes Jackie, looking vibrant and beautiful, and the rain is pouring and she is laughing and smiling.

And we reach the point in the ceremony where the officiant asks "Who gives this woman away in marriage?" And the storm is loud and the drops are heavy. And she adds, "Let's all turn our eyes heavenward to hear her father answer 'Her mother and I do.'" And the storm reaches it's zenith. And for a few seconds hail falls from the sky; hitting the top of the chuppah and making what sounds to me like applause. And we all stand there, all of us (even the atheists in the crowd) knowing that something miraculous is occurring.



And then, it all stops, no more hail clapping, no more rain, no more drizzle. Silence.

And that silence screamed "You see now. I am in all of this. I am in the rain, the hail, the silence, the love, the wedding. I am."

And my heart lept for joy. For not only were two of the most amazing people I've ever known marrying one another. But my God, OUR God was faithful. So perfectly faithful.

Hallelujah and Amen.

More Like Falling In Love

This song and its story are really calling to me today.

There's a link to the right for the radio version (What I'm listening to), but here's Mr. Gray explaining and performing his song at home.

My favorite lines are "All religion ever made of me was a sinner with a stone tied to my feet. It never set me free," and "It's gotta be more like loosing my heart, than giving my allegiance. Caught up, called out. Come take a look at me now."

Brilliance, really.

BTW Part II of Jackie's Wedding will be out tonight. Just working on the dissertation like a fiend today.

Jackie's Wedding (Part I)

My best friends, Jackie and Seth (see meet the CampAndersons), got married this weekend. It was a beautiful ceremony (will post pictures as soon as they are available) on a Glorious Day.

It started with an 8:30 am call from the bride to meet for coffee at the cafe in the hotel lobby where we were staying. We (Jackie, our friend Sarah, the mother mother of the groom, Pat, the wedding planner, Stefanie, and me) sat and talked about the day ahead and the rehearsal dinner the night before. Then Jackie mentioned having a "nervous knot in her stomach." I knew, from earlier conversations that this was code for "I'm really sad and missing my Mom and Dad."

For those of you who don't know this already, Jackie lost her mother about 3 years ago to a freak infection and her father died a month ago from pneumonia subsequent to a two year battle with lung cancer.

So anyway, earlier that morning I heard God tell me to take Jackie for a walk on the beach to talk to her parents. I knew then, that now was the time to act. So I announced to the table that I would like to take Jackie on a walk for 30 minutes and then the wedding chaos could commence. Then, we left for a walk.

Let me tell you, the first part of that conversation felt very forced. Like I was trying to rewrite the script from a hallmark movie to fit the day. Everything felt stilted and inauthentic. There were moments where I thought to myself, "You sound like an idiot and should stop talking." But I knew I was getting at something real for Jackie, because she began to weep and talk about how hard it was to experience the day without her folks. And I took some comfort in the idea that Jackie was at least letting out emotions she was bottling up inside.

I could've been satisfied with that. I was satisfied with that. But another, small and gentle voice spoke to my soul. It asked me to challenge some of the things Jackie was saying. To challenge her to acknowledge her unspoken faith. To challenge her to risk asking something of God.

Ok - "Woa, Woa, Woa." I say to the voice. "This is a huge challenge. This is her wedding day, she's nervous enough as it is and you want me to ask her to put that all on the line - to take down her shield and admit that she needs you to do something here. What if you don't do anything? What if you don't show up? She'll loose not just her faith but her wedding day will be remembered as the day you failed her."

Miraculously, this is not what came out of my mouth. What came out of my mouth was the this gentle and certain challenge. "Jackie, ask what you want. Take down your sheild. You can't do this on your own. Here I'll pray with you."

Who is this! I am thinking to myself. But I go on, and Jackie comes with me, and we pray.

We prayed together for an obvious, undeniable sign from God that Jackie was not alone today. That she she could confidently take down her sheild and let God in. We prayed that she could actually experience joy on her wedding day in the midst of her grief.

I think we walked off that beach both feeling a a little anxious, a little doubtful and a little hopeful.

My Man

I am just feeling overwhelmed with gratitude for my man and I want to share it.

My man is a very, very good man. People frequently miss that about him - I think because he doesn't have a loud presence, you know. He's the type that will comfortably discuss the latest sporting event with folks but typically ducks out if talk turns to politics or religion. He's also somewhat of a peace maker, so if the conversation gets heated he might waffle a bit to try and appease everyone at the table. And so, in that way, I think he can become almost invisible to folks. He's the guy with the nice smile but you don't know too much about him.

But God has blessed me with the incredible privilege of seeing and knowing David. Specifically, David is the guy who quietly does the dishes while everyone else drinks coffee. He's the guy who is listening to what your saying and filing it away so that he can surprise you with something thoughtful for your birthday.

For example, David knows exactly what all of my friends like to drink. Not because they told him, but because he watches. And, if that wasn't enough, without being asked goes to the grocery store and has it waiting for them if they are coming to dinner. Does he mention buying it just for them? Nope. Just lets them assume it's always there.

What kind of man does that?!? My man.

David loves in this sincere. quiet way and people totally overlook it and take it for granted (one of those people is me sometimes!), but he keeps on loving them (us) anyway! I have such an incredible amount to learn from him.

Thank you God for putting David in my life. I love him so. I love you, too.

Fasting or Dieting?

God totally has my number. Isn't it freakin' nonsense that He can see right down to your tippy-toes and you can't get away with anything!

So I've been abstaining from meat for the last 4-5 days. Specifically, as part of my study of the book of Daniel we were asked to choose something from which to abstain. To say no (on a fairly regular basis) to an overly indulgent world. Beth suggested meat (I am guessing because she lives in Texas and that's like saying I'm going to give up air there). And I immediately thought "I am going to do that too! I want to do that!"

I should have known, right then and there, that I was not sacrificing for the right reasons. I think some part of me did. But, I went on and have successfully abstained from meat for several days.

Today as I am sitting, drinking my coffee and enjoying the Word, I was asked to appraise the part of our culture that has indoctrinated me the most successfully. Not knowing what was to come, I honestly said this: "I am most indoctrinated by the belief that appearance is everything. I am not sure why. I think my mother and father place a very high premium on beauty and I never felt very beautiful. Smart... but not beautiful."

Then comes this sentence "In the coming weeks, we will perform some honest appraisals of our levels of integrity in this vastly enticing world." To which Parakletos replies "So Paula, why exactly did you give up meat? For me? Or for beauty?"

And I sat... caught! I was not giving up meat for even close to the right reasons, I was giving it up because on some level I hoped it would make me thinner and more beautiful. Yuck.

So this is wear I am sitting now. I've prayed for healing and offered to give-up, giving-up meat if that is what He has called me to do. But so far, I feel as though I am to stay the course - looking to God to transform my broken heart into a healed one; my broken motives into righteous ones.

Father God,

I love you Lord. Thank you for always seeing me, and always knowing just the right thing to say to wake me up. I am yours. Mold me, change me. Lift me out of brokenness. I want to worship you and not approval and beauty.

It is in the Gracious name of Jesus Christ I pray,

Amen.

A Prayer for the Blog

So this blog was conceived at the celebration ceremony for my Bible Study group last week (beautiful ladies pictured right!). As we were saying good-bye, I just knew I couldn't really say good-bye. I wanted and needed these women to keep walking beside me, even if we weren't going to be meeting every week.

One of the ladies, Theresa (2nd from the left), had already inspired me with her blog devoted to her family (4 gorgeous and well mannered kids!). So I thought "Okay, I'm going to keep these women in my life. I will start a blog devoted to my faith walk."

I had also been recently challenged by God to make my mornings about Him. To rise and spend my first morning coffee in the Word. It was about day two , when I realized that my sad, pre-coffee brain was not going to be able to effectively connect with God without some structure. So I decided to pick out a Bible study for the summer.

If you know me well, you know that my favorite Bible Study teacher is Beth Moore... so I immediately go to lifeway.com and start poking around. After an afternoon of looking through potential videos I decide on Beth's 12 week study of the book of Daniel (pictured left). Turns out Daniel did a lot more than survive the lion's den - he survived Babylon, an empire not unlike our current American culture. Specifically, in the first session Beth identifies Bablyon's cultural motto as "I am; and there is none besides me." translated "It's all about me."

It struck me as non-accidental that God would both prompt me to start a blog and remind me that it is not all about me in the same week! These blogs can become so self-indulgent and narcissistic. So I think it's appropriate to start this whole thing out with a prayer:

Adonai,

Please be with me as I begin composing this blog. You are my King and I am Your servant. Keep my heart humbled and honored by these Truths: that You are The Vine and I am a branch (apart from you I will wither and die); that every good and perfect gift comes from You (not me); and that You are faithful to complete the good work you started in me (and often don't need my help to do it).

Make this place about sharing my authentic faith walk (failures, doubts, and triumphs). May your Spirit guard my heart, challenging me to be honest and humbling me if I should become prideful. In short, this blog is about You not about me - and so long as it stays that way it will be Good.

I love you, too.

Amen.